A Wonderful Night

On Sunday night this past weekend, we took the kids to see "The Living Christmas Tree. "This event is put on by the church my husband and I met at in town. It is the seventh season; and surely was the "perfect" production this year.

This is a very tall (several stories high) board, garland and light, tree which has tiers of persons standing within, singing the story of Christ's birth. The music and lights were phenomenal. This year's musical selection was my favorite thus far (we have been several times). In the past, the pastor of the church had read from Luke throughout the performance, accentuating the songs and carols. This year, the scripture was put to music and taken from not only Luke but also John, Isaiah, Psalms and others. What an incredible blessing of praise and joy and thanksgiving to our Lord.

I am so grateful that the Methodist Church in our community has offered this each year. I was working at the church the year the idea was pitched and the costs were discussed. It involved tremendous investment up front, but the fruits have more than been worth it. What a blessing to our Lord ~ orchestra, band and song all wrapped up in praising Him hour after hour, day after day. Thank you, dear sweet participants, for your gift of time and love. We were blessed.

Star or Angel??

Growing up, we had a tinsel star atop of our Christmas tree. I remember the anticipation each year after we had finished dressing the tree, my dad would get out the star topper and place it up high. We then would turn all the tree lights on and ooh and aah at our masterpiece. As we children got older, my dad continued to be the one to place the star upon the tree ~ pointing the way to Bethlehem (well, at least that is how I like to see it now, back then it was just "the star").

When I was single, I couldn't find a star I liked as well as the one I had growing up. They had become plastic and commercialized in such a way they didn't feel right to me. I decided to go wtih an angel, who held in her hands a string of white lights on garland. She was beautiful and I truly enjoyed her - especially as she lit up and matched the other lights on our tree. During my first marriage, we continued to use this little angel. She was simple in a world of over the top, and I loved that.

Fast forward to marriage number two. My husband did not have a tree separate from his mother's house or girlfriends prior to our marriage ~ he did not take any of the ornaments from his first marriage and his kids did not know of any specific traditions that they needed to maintain. He had used angels in the past, but was not bent upon this tradition. We used my angel the first two years, but I began to sense it was time for a change. With new marriage, there should be new traditions. Our blended family needed to have something special that reflected us ~ something that was new for us and unifying.

Two years ago (we are now celebrating our fifth Christmas together), we stopped using my angel. We considered many options but none really jumped out as "the one." That year the tree top remained bare, though the tree was still lovely and filled with ornaments that have such meaning and are treasures. The topper was not missed; as personal as our tree is, using something "just because" would have been wrong. We left it for that year.

Last year, I again went seeking angels or stars to see what might fit our family tree. I brought a few home, only to be returned as not quite right. My husband was not as worried about this as I was, but I just wanted something to top our tree. I finally took a large purple bow (I had bows throughout the house), ribbed in gold, and placed it atop the tree. To me the bow represented the gift of Christ, His royalty and His Majesty. The gift we can unwrap whenever we so choose. It was pleasing to me then. It fit last year's theme in our home ~ unwrapping Christ in our lives.

This year, as we decorated the tree ~ I again was seeking that perfect star or angel that we could use. I had forgotten the bow in the time between seasons. As I looked at our completed tree which the kids did most of the decorating on this year, it was beautiful. I even enjoy the three ornament per branch surrounding the base of the tree, courtesy of our youngest two. I was touched again by the simple beauty of things that last ~ family ornaments, kid made ornaments, nativities and crosses, angels and white house ornaments ~ a beautiful arrangement of blessing. While I was enjoying the tree, my husband went seeking ~ he pulled out the purple bow and placed it at the top of the tree. He reminded me that we had done that last year and he had liked it ~ Praise God...a new tradition. Who would have thought a simple inspiration would bring blessing year after year.

From our home to yours, Merry Christmas ~ May the gift of our Savior, His incredible sacrifice of emptying Himself of godliness to take the form of child in a world of sin and ugliness, warm your heart and bring peace and joy to your spirit through this season.

The Power of Prayer~

God has been taking me on an incredible journey over the past few years, increasing His wisdom in my life related to the awesome privelege and power of intercession and prayers of the saints. He has been growing me in understanding and using me in many ways that have been so incredible to witness. He has called me deeper into Him that I might understand the source of power in our lives, the truth of His vision (versus ours which is oh so limited), and the incredible LOVE He has for each one of us, wherever we are upon the path toward accepting His gift of righteousness....I have witnessed healing miracles following prayer, I have seen incredible transformation and redemption drivin by the Holy Spirit for those whom I thought may never know Him...it has been breathtaking and awe inspiring.

Over Thanksgiving, He gave me the privilege of sharing this experience with my husband. My daughter had awoken Thanksgiving morning with a stomachache and a fever that was spiking to 103.2. She had come barreling into our bedroom crying; she was supposed to go to her dad's that morning and hated feeling so sick. I immediately began praying for her healing and God prompted me to go get my husband (he was tending to the other ten people who were living in our home that week). Wherever two or more are gathered, in agreement with God, amazing things can happen ~ (I believe amazing things happen, anyway, but God was teaching me this day about his power of two) ~ I told my husband what God had spoken and he came and began praying over his stepdaughter. As we laid hands on her in prayer, the fever began to break. We sang a couple of praise songs over her (He always gives me a song after prayer for healing; I am not sure why, but I love it) and in a few moments, she was transformed to health again. Praise Him for His mighty works!

Of course, the great ending was my husband experienced such grace and amazement, and her father was given the truth of the morning (he is not a believer). May the seed He has sown continue to work in my former husband's heart and not be cast away. Amen? Hallelujah. God is so good! To Him be the Glory forever and ever ~

Thanksgiving

What a glorious week! I just LOVE Thanksgiving. Each year we get together with my side of the family (dad, stepmom and their two young kids; brother, sister-in-law and their two kids; sister, brother-in-law and their four kids and us with our five) ~ usually at our home as hosts due to the blended nature of our family (so different kids come and go at different times, while the rest of us stay put). My dad's and sister's families take turns staying with my brother's and ours (we both live in Virginia). This year my sister's group was with us. I love spending time with her. My brother's household joined us here on Wednesday (pizza party night, no major work) and Thursday, then we joined them at his home on Friday (and capped the day off with a wonderful dinner at Brion's American Grille in Fairfax...what GOOD food they had! Everything was very tasty and incredibly reasonably priced ~ very recommended for simple American fare in a collegeiate pub-like setting as the owner is a George Mason University alumnus and strong supporter).

To cap off this week ~13 kids, many quite young ~ running through the house each day while the 8 adults assisted, rested, ate, watched sports, chatted and played many different board games with the children (we had great games that worked for all ages). It was such tremendous FUN! I am ever so grateful for our family and our love of being together. My simple home is none the worse for the wear, though I believe my sister was thrilled to be back in her own bed last night as two of her children strongly (and loudly) resisted sleep each night so she got very little herself. Bless her heart, I remember those days and am grateful for their passing, though understanding in her challenges.

As I was reflecting this morning upon our week ~ I felt God's peace so fully. He is so incredibly good to us. I started a new tradition this year; rather than just sharing at dinner what we were thankful for (which I had always enjoyed doing), we wrote our thoughts in a spiral notebook, to be saved and looked back upon as long as God continues to allow us life here on earth. My thoughts were as follows...

1) God ~ His sovereignty, His grace, His mercy
2) Jesus ~ our LORD and Savior; His sacrifice and incredible love for us as He intercedes on our behalf.
3) Holy Spirit ~ my convicter, sustainer, friend and comforter.
4) My immediate family ~ husband present and past, children, and stepchildren
5) My extended family, and all this encompasses ~ we are so blessed to have such fullness
6) Our home, our jobs, our finances ~ God's provision in our lives
7) The incredible beauty and gift of His creation ~ and our ability to share in that in our yards.

It is my continual prayer that all whom I know will come to understand this amazing gift ~ life everlasting.

God Bless you all this holiday season ~

The Blessings of Halloween...

I can't believe it is already November. I am feeling a bit disconnected to "time" these days and lose track, then am amazed. :-) I love this time of year with the beautiful trees displaying their turning leaves...Fall is gorgeous in the East.

Halloween was yesterday - what a holiday filled with energy. I have very mixed feelings about Halloween. I don't like its origins, I am very grieved by the uses of the day to promote witchcraft and evil in our country, but I do enjoy watching a bunch of children who know nothing about the spiritual ramifications of the holiday get dressed up and play ~ it is precious when the young ones are so excited by their costumes and parties. I love their eagerness and pure unadulterated joy. My rules at home have always been "only costumes that are playful, not horror related" in addition to having a cut off age 0f last year being fourth or fifth grade.

Anyway, the day neared and my kids were caught up in the excitement of finding costumes (we usually use ones that are already in our dress up clothes at home) and trying things on each evening. They loved dressing up our youngest (she is three) and taking the teacher role for the holiday (her first year to celebrate). It was fun to see them all working together, looking forward to their celebration.

The greatest blessings, however, came on Halloween day. My fourth grader had lost her privilege to go trick or treating (she has been very challenged lately) and had been miserable, especially since her dad has always come to take her around our neighborhood. Blessedly, he came early to spend some time with her first. So, Michelle (fourth grade) had decided to make the most of it and dress up to hand out candy; at the end of the night she reflected that it really had been fun to chat with the kids who came to the door and to see the cute costumes on many of the young ones. Her dad, who was taking her sister Kari (first grade) around, also took our daughter, Rose (3 year old), out with them. I was elated. My very prayers for improvements in our "family" relations to support the children's emotional needs are being answered. Praise Him...He is so good.

Thank You, LORD ~

This month has been a long and frustrating one for me, by many accounts. No need for details, here ~ no earth shattering challenges (honestly, I sometimes do better during those ~ does anybody else experience this??), not many specific "I can put my finger on it" problems...normal everyday challenges more than anything. Lack of sleep many nights, troubled sleeping without clear causes (I have sought the Lord and found little much of the time, clarity at other times), body aches and pains and fatigue, disheartening episodes with children, adjustment to some of the inevitable disappointment in daily desires. You know ~ Life ~ but God always responds when we start to get to our end (well, what we call our end, I have been so much further "down" than currently, that I know I am not even close to really "in a bad place," but it sounds good when I am mired in self) ;-)

The other day God woke me early in the morning and I could tell He had an agenda as my usual "hello God, I am too tired, can I go to sleep again ~ I really am short on sleep...can we just talk in the morning" was ignored not only by Him, but even by me. His Spirit was definitely in charge. I got up and began praying; I use my journal to pray during these times because it keeps me connected to Him. While I was praying, He brought a specific person to mind who lives in another state, and whom I had not prayed for in awhile. I lifted her up and submitted her life to His tender hand, when He began speaking words to her, through me (if you have not experienced this, I cannot explain it, but He does this with me sometimes...). I began writing what I was "hearing" in my spirit. When finished, I was compelled to go to my computer and type her a note, sharing my prayers and then His words through me. I then prayed in my mind that she would not think I was nuts, and was released to go back to sleep.

A few days later, I recieved an email back from her. She thanked me for my prayers and the perfect timing of the message. She then relayed a beautiful message about how God had really met her and blessed her through the words I had relayed. The words I transcribed were word for word, in many parts, what she had been praying for three months for her mother. As I wrote what He spoke, it didn't make sense to my natural mind from what I knew of her, and I figured she must be going through a very odd and difficult time given what she was seeking, but I trusted what I heard...when she shared with me a bit about what had been going on, and how God had assured her with His words, I was so incredibly blessed! God is so good it is beyond understanding or measure.

The kicker was ~ not only was she assured and comforted, but I was, too. At that time this month, I was in a place of self-doubt, questioning the validity of my connection with Him and my faith (basically, questioning my value and usefulness to His kingdom...I so want to be His ~ to magnify and glorify His name!) I had been judged and condemned by several in the recent years as not true or faithful in my love for our LORD, and this past month the inaccuracies had come to a point of grief in my heart. God spoke volumes through very little, allowing me to be used as His servant in the process. I am so incredibly humbled and grateful that He is such an awesome God who loves us so incredibly much. I can't fathom the depth of His love and mercy ~ His tenderness is such a comfort and joy. I pray that each time any of us are in a "dark" area of our life, we recall His compassion and faithfulness to us ~ and that we experience that assurance that only He can provide. Bless you all.

A Tribute to Laura...

I have a very dear friend from college, whose sister struggled her entire life with the limitations of cystic fibrosis. She wrote a book about her journey while an adult which was incredibly inspiring and transparent. She passed on last November after nearly 40 years of life. She lived fruitfully in many senses of the word, and loved to experience her life versus be a bystander as many of us tend to be. My girlfriend had much to carry as a sister who loved deeply and sacrificed, as well, on many levels. Following the funeral, I wrote this poem ~ I had not looked at it and edited it until recently. It is my heart for my girlfriend Julianne, her brother Sean, and their sister, Laura. Bless all who have ever lost a family member to a slow progressing illness...

The burden falls on family
of children “born to die,”
encumbered with their suffering ~
Helpless, yet close by

The heaviness of dis-ease
is but for One to bear.
Heavy-laden, tortured hearts
haunt all close by who care.

Joyousness loses ground;
Walls are built up high
Somehow it isn’t fair to live;
One loved will surely die.

Sharing, laughing, fun together,
Always finding time…
Within our hearts; constant thoughts
What is purposed, Thine?…

Then the “what if” dreams of joy,
so many thoughts of trade…
Gladly we’d give a day, or more
to see our sister saved…

How fair is it for one to struggle ~
So young and innocent.
How fair is God, who says He’s love,
Yet allows such pain, we vent…

But God knows best, His mighty plan,
that we aren’t blessed to see…
The way our sister touches those
whose lives are not in He…

Dear Laura lit a way for some
who never would have known…
Our Savior died to rescue us,
and now sits on the throne.

Spirit tells us He is real;
He wields a mighty hand.
The days we live are not for us,
His love has greater plan.

He seeks redemption of all men,
He seeks our hearts for His.
If more were saved by Laura’s grace,
than this is why she lived.

Unsettled...

Does anybody else feel somewhat neurotic with pain when their children are floundering in the wrong directions??! I am broken down and resting in God's mighty hands daily right now with my heart heavy with the burden my children are walking through. It is not my walk, of this I am aware, but my heart hurts with their hurts. I long to take them in my arms and will away their struggles...I pray God comforts, convicts, supports, and empowers them each day...which I am most certain He does in His own way and plan, but I see and hear their pain and my heart grieves.

My three oldest children have walks of challenge ~ different, yet similar. Each struggling to find his or her identity, each struggling to feel valued and competent. I PRAY (oh, how I pray) that they will find their El Shaddai...and turn to Him for restoration and renewal, but they linger at the waters of the world, and fall into the pits of frantic behaviors alternating with anger and acting out. My step children, I cannot help physically but can always pray (and I KNOW how powerfully God's Spirit can move, so I don't feel hopeless)...I just long to comfort them and be more continually supportive to their needs. But, they live in another state, with another set of parents and a different set of circumstances than we live with here. I am deeply sad that I grew up with such wonderful family life and can't share that with children I love on a daily basis...I know it makes a great difference in the willingness to trust our hearts to our Maker...El Roi...The One who sees all...It feels so unfair for them my heart breaks at times...I long for them to know family the way I do...

My oldest daughter from my first marriage is struggling with her own set of anger issues related to a multitude of things; I am not quite sure she even understands them or knows from whence they came. We have prayed together and sought the Lord's understanding and comfort, but this is such a process, and I can't walk it for her as it is her learning for His glory...His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Of His plan for her, I know little. She stuggles with learning many conceptual type things ~ My husband and I are convinced she has a learning disability of sorts, but it isn't something the school would test for since she functions competently (e.g. A's and B's on report cards mostly). However, she is my brightest child; quick mind and fast learner since birth , but cannot synthesize and process information quickly nor grasp concepts without a lot of help and varied learning approaches (most of which we do at home after school each day).

What takes most kids twenty minutes to learn often takes her an hour or more ~ she feels frustrated and "dumb" ~ she "knows" she should know how to do it as her mind is quick but confused. I wish I could find that magic button for her. She has struggled with ADHD since birth. Organization, planning, sitting still, listening...all require tremendous energy for her. The higher she goes in school, the more exhausted she is when she gets home (and the more homework she must embrace after school). We can't even let her play before working because she gets too tired to think by after dinner...it is a catch 22.

So, I work with her ~ try to encourage, get frustrated at the fights to focus and apply to homework (she'd rather forget it exists most of the time), get frustrated that I can't just agree with her and send her outside with her sisters, wish I could do more, and at the same time wish I didn't have to do so much. A fine tightrope we walk...

This week with my children's struggles in Florida to stay focused, want to apply themselves to learning and to feel like their life really matters, coupled with some really bad days my gal here had in school late last week and again last night and this morning (lots of acting out last night and this morning), I am tired.

Lord, I trust You with my children. I know You alone can raise them the way you have laid out for them. Lead me Oh Lord, in my walk alongside each child. Prompt and guide me in what I should say and do... direct my spirit and quiet my heart as I seek to love my children Your way, in Your power, with Your tenderness and mercy...and also Your strength and discipline. Bless you, Yeshua ~ the Anointed One...anoint me in this journey of motherhood. Amen.

Crock Pot Mom...

A few people have asked me "What on earth does 'crock pot mom' mean?" I had one gal tell me she visited my site because she thought it would have recipes. I guess I could post recipes, but my crock pot ones that I use when at work are not that exciting...

When I was deciding upon an "identity" and had been given so many warnings about not posting names online (this was a couple of years ago when I first began blogging), I tried to find a name that best reflected who I was ~ as God would name us. Honor is the name God gave me years ago when I was meditating upon what He would rename me. That one is a tough one, and I am not yet walking fully within it, plus I struggle with being judged still and don't want to add to the ammunition possible by people who float on by...

Regardless, at the time I selected the name, I was fairly immersed in major struggles with blending families with my husband. We were in the fiery furnace and didn't see freedom anywhere close...but I trusted God with all of my heart that in the midst of the heat, something fabulous would emerge, glorifying HIM fully.

When merging families, often the blender effect is chosen - all pieces get thrown together and shaken, sliced/diced and forced into a creamy mixture that resembles a wonderfully smooth drink. Any who have made smoothies know that sometimes what it appears to taste like (e.g. good, sweet, refreshing) is quite the opposite once all the parts have disappeared into "oneness." That is not the best answer for families. I believe this can lead to a sour mixture as well ~ though surface may look great. Microwaving is also an option - just put everything in and cook from the inside out. That is when we expect everyone to change their interiors to match what we want to be outside...but it is forced and harsh. Leaving a bit of a rubbery stamp upon the full effect...tougher to chew on and drier to taste...

In the crock pot, all parts are placed in and allowed to stew together slowly, simmering at the rate required for each piece...slowly, over time, a wonderful blend of indgredients emerges into a satifsying meal ~ with each piece playing a specific part. As the cooking is happening, things are added or subtracted easily to adjust the "flavor" and "texture" for a dilectable final masterpiece. I believe that God has our family in His crock pot...tendering us each in our own time, knitting us together in His master plan ~ adjusting flavors and amounts as needed ~ for a divine creation. I trust Him as Creator of all the best things, and I believe as we submit to his loving "cooking" we can become far more than we would have imagined.

Bless you all as you undergo the fires of purifying our Lord provides...enjoy the ride ~ it is an awesome privelege and experience~

The Rain Has Been Good To My Yard...

My absolute favorite flowers are Shasta Daisies. They have such joy, purity and brightness about them. :0) I wish I could grow them; these in the pic are ones I bought. I have yet to be successful with this type of plant. However, my other plants are doing well. I have returned today to continue to share the beautiful photos of my flowers. I took some more yesterday after the rain. Everything is so vivid after rainshowers. God is AWESOME.

Because these each stand alone so well, and I took several different angle pics of my morning glories (which have a really neat/unique center design), I am going to post a "morning glory day" in the future. Be prepared for more joy. Below include a zinnia, tiny blue and purple flowers whom I cannot name at the moment (I have forgotten; they are new this year), blackeyed susan, coleus, and purple coneflower.

In my previous post, because the pics are mid-sized, you can't quite see the spider at the center of my cosmos. However, it is a neat shot - a white spider on the inside left...see if you can find it. :-) If you click on the cosmos, you can get it up close (and even see the neat star design of some of the pistils). Be blessed today in His creation!

Beauty Unveiling...

Okay folks, here they are...as promised...actual photos of my current flowers, in bloom...

The rosebud is first, as they are still budding and blooming thankfully. :-) Next the bachelor buttons and cosmos...

Okay, my kids need me now so I will have to finish this post later. Enjoy the starter pics. :-)

Ray of sunshine

I love the centers of flowers, so I take many pictures of them ~ there is something beautiful about the way a flower is developed from bud to blossom. This pic was taken awhile ago and as I was sifting through some pics trying to find a blank disc to take some photos thsi morning, I decided to post it ~to remind myself that even the delicate flowers grow in our area. I am currently reworking my garden, cutting many dead flowers and nurturing what remains, hoping to eke out a few more weeeks of color. We are in the difficult time in Virginia; plants are either scorched for a couple of days by indian summer heat, or covered in frost through the night never to recover from the cold...I pray as the plants adjust to the varying temperatures, their growing time returns a bit. What blessing it always is to sit and visit Creation in one's own front (or back) yard. Be blessed today. ;-)

First Birthdays

Okay, this is an old picture, but the first one I grabbed in my stacks of "to save to cd so I can use the floppy again" ...I am archaic in what I use. I am trying to indulge my nine year old's desire for my page to be more interesting.

This is Rose at her first birthday (Jan 2005) eating her "rosebud" cake (well, banana bread with a rosebud iced onto it). Now I can officially say I have posted a photo. :-)

Easy on the eyes

I am playing with my template background - I found the other quite boring and not as easy to keep eyes upon. My daughter, looking at it with me, commented on the lack of pictures. I WILL get pictures posted as my life evolves forward. I have a few things to do before I figure this out...I used to be fairly blog literate, but have forgotten much of what I had learned when running my other sites in the past (if we don't use it...). Anyway, I was trying to play with the colors a bit - was unable to be exactly what I liked - but thought this was pretty good. Let me know what you think!

Questions and Answers

I was weeding through my old document files, cleaning up my computer a bit, and I came across this Q&A from my previous blog (this was two or three years ago, but answers still apply). I had fun with it then, and thought it might be enjoyed again now ~ my friend Wendy had a blog (she says she has not been on it in nearly a year so I won't link to her) and she had a time where she asked questions of her blog friends to have them answer on her site - fun and thought provoking questions based upon what she knew about each person. Some of you reading have asked me a few questions, so I thought sharing this might be helpful. :-)

1. Your life is rooted in your faith in God. What are 3 things that lead you here?

We are all seeking to fill that "empty space" (that God created within us which longs for Him). In seeking fullness, we try relationships, satisfying or validating work, drinking or other drugs, sex, busyness, adrenaline games, toys...all sorts of things - but each of these, even the best relationships, are not fully filling and do not lead to peace and contentment in all circumstances. I have filled myself with many of these “addictions” to find meaning. They all eventually led to a feeling of isolation at some point. Authentic faith in God (e.g. a relationship with Him) never has. I know this now as I have been full circle.

I have explored all angles of new age beliefs, various religions, metaphysics, healing modalities, psychic pathways, etc. Not one of them were rooted in truth that held firm through all circumstances, nor did they effectively provide me with absolutes, life changing answers, or ways out of difficult times. The only thing that has truly effected lasting change from the inside out, which I can access any time when I truly desire to, has been Christ, his Spirit, and His truths. I have grown peaceful, joyful, and more content since beginning to deepen my Christian faith walk in such a profound way that even the worst events in my life, which have been many, have proved to be character forming and beneficial. I am truly grateful for them all.

Finally, I will have to say (and I never thought I would say this, but it is so true) that studying/reading God’s Word has been the most profound aspect of my final “conversion” into absolute sold out Christianity. After taking classes in so many areas (disciple classes as well as classes in new age venues), I have learned the truth about the “living Word” – the Bible has been trialed by fire and never disproven. Historically all of what is written has been documented and now I have even seen evidence of the Old Testament stories that always seemed so far fetched such as the parting of the Red Sea, the burning of the top of Mount Sinai and all of the events in the desert during the Exodus. I have also seen irrefutable evidence of Christ’s life and the history in the New Testament. Aside from these “intellectual things” – the more I read and study, the more meaning the words take on for my life and the more sense it all makes…hence the truth behind what is written. (John 3:33 "Those who believe Him discover that God is true" NLT)

2. You went from having 2 beautiful children to 5 in a matter of months. What advice do you have for those who are starting second marriages and blending families?

The greatest advice is to center your lives upon God – each person seeking a relationship with God first, partner second. Aside from this absolute, place your partner above your children (very hard when blending as there is a protective mechanism that kicks in amazingly fast when children are concerned). Even if it means sacrificing something you think the children “need” to be normal/okay/not screwed up by your mistakes/etc. In time God will bring you together on the issues, and your stability in front of the children is worth far more for their well being than your protecting their daily emotions from events or differences between you and your partner.
God is in the business of relationships and healing. He can do these things for you and for the kids.

Also, make time for yourself as a couple a regular priority (alone time). Allow time for parents to be alone with respective children as well as full family gathering times. Expect the full blending process to take about five to seven years before there is true peace/harmony (according to what I have read, we seem to be going faster but I do attribute that to God), and enter into the relationship with a “crock pot” mentality (hence my blog). Do not microwave the relationship in an effort to prove to others (e.g. former spouses, nay sayers, etc.) that it is working or else it will explode in your face. All people must enter in as they are at that moment, and SLOWLY stew together until there is a tasty blend. Respect differences. Finally,
absolutely honor all extended family (including ex-spouses)at all times but LEAVE and CLEAVE (from parents/siblings/well-meaning friends). It is far more complicated than first marriages and too many people in the mix destines the situation for destruction. Make a pact to stay it through as the times are tough, keeping each other covered from the outside world rather than taking issues outside. It will come full circle.

3. You've had a myriad of jobs over the years from SAHM to Cranio-Sacral therapist. What has been your favorite thus far? Why? Do you hope to do something else as your children get older and more self-sufficient?

Gosh, this is a tough one…I have really enjoyed all of my jobs for so many reasons. I loved starting up the rehab facilities and shifting around/developing programs as a director of rehab/therapist with the nursing homes, but at that time I really missed working with the kids. Doing private practice was awesome in many ways, but high burn out for the intensity.

Being a SAHM is incredible and there are days I long for this still, but I would need to be involved in outside activities and probably home schooling if I weren’t working some as I become a bit tunnel visioned in focus with the children and our home. Actually, I have considered home schooling several times…God has not led me there yet.

I do love manual therapy (cranio-sacral stuff) and wouldn't mind doing this full time from home or near home, but wouldn’t want to be self-employed so it would have to be a unique position as most who do this are self-employed. I loved the pastoral work God called me to for a season, but didn’t feel equipped enough for moving it forward so was glad in a mixed way when he called me out again (I was still young in my Bible studies/faith journey). I also was having difficulty balancing time for my children (as I was involved in this while single parenting) as many of the youth activities were weekend oriented and weeknights involved bible studies and church administrative meetings. I was called out of it right after I was called to marry my husband (and then became pregnant almost immediately), so obviously God had bigger plans for my ministry. :-)

My current job, teaching is probably my favorite at the moment. I am free to do my therapy type things, while working with all ages of kids, and still having a reasonable schedule and summers/holidays off to be with my family. I really can’t beat that. I also am able to practice some manual therapy at home for/with friends and acquaintances who need help so I get to enjoy some of my favorite "traditional" therapy work as well.

I actually think I may write some day when the kids are older, or work as a family or high school guidance counselor somewhere. God has given me gifting in these areas. We will see where it plays out. I think I would enjoy anything along all of these lines (maybe He will place me in a career that blends it all!)

4. You are asked to write a eulogy for your friend who does not believe in God. What would it say?

Since a eulogy is about sharing what was good about someone, I would absolutely lift up the life of my friend first and foremost. I would also stay firm in my belief that God wants all of His children to be reconciled to Him and He invites them, even at the last hour, to accept the truth about His Son or to reject what He has offered. If this is a friend of mine, I would imagine it would be someone who is relatively friendly and open minded, so when confronted with the experiential truth of God’s love while dying (which I most certainly would have been praying for), I would pray that they had accepted Christ, and that they are at that moment experiencing the incredible joy and peace of oneness with our Creator. If they had died in a sudden accident, I would be grieving their lack of faith tremendously, especially since they were a friend whom I would have been sharing the truth with all along. I would most likely be more passionate about exhorting the persons I was delivering the eulogy to about their need for a personal relationship with Christ and the heartfelt desire they all KNOW where they will be when they die.

5. You have the opportunity to develop your own reality show. What would it be? How would you audition? What is the grand prize? (no fair saying you hate reality shows).

This is a tough question…I guess I will stick with the same vein I have been dialoguing on – Christianity. I would develop a show called Challenging Your Christianity (there is so much false religion, it is no wonder people who are non-Christians don’t get the truth). Auditions would be for families (adults are the main players) to submit their resume’s of “why they believe they are faith-filled, authentic Christians.” They would be placed in a mission field of some sort (maybe national e.g. inner-city or way out in areas without running water and electricity, or international with more “typical” mission regions of third world countries) and followed for thirty days. The family/adults that maintained their walk faithfully throughout the challenges of the new environment, while bearing witness of “fruits” of their labors, would be awarded a set amount of money (100,000 maybe) 3/4 of which would go to the mission organization, and 1/4 to the family.

Total Lunar Eclipse

Last night at 4:50 a.m., while most were sleeping, the moon was being totally eclipsed. My former husband called me to let me know it was happening (he knows that I rarely listen to the news) so that I could share it with our girls if I was interested. I chose to make it a special time between myself and my nine year old daughter as my six year old needed more sleep (so I believed) before school, and my nine year old deserved some one on one as it has been hard to come by lately.

I snuck into her room at 4:45 a.m., woke her up, and told her I wanted to show her something. I suggested she grab her bathrobe or blanket and come with me. Mystified, she followed me upstairs to the back deck where we sat snuggled together on our loveseat rocker watching the event. It was a beautiful evening. Bright with the full moon, mild temperatures, though a few clouds. I was initially disappointed in the cloudiness, thinking we may not get to observe the changes, but I prayed that God would bless us.

And what a blessing it was! We spent forty minutes together, watching the sky, talking about the clouds, and noticing how the moonbeams crept out from behind the clouds. It was beautiful and, as always with Creation, amazing. She had never noticed the beams of light before - and not even considered them possible from the moon. Even more fun, the moon was "erased" in an unusual pattern ~ being shadowed from top to bottom. It kind of reminded me of a pacman guy going uphill (for those who remember pac man). We had been talking about the rays of the moon's brilliance sneaking out from behind the clouds in an upward pattern when the eclipse began. Though we didn't fully witness the start we noticed the rays begin to disappear from above the clouds. It was a wonderful opportunity for dialogue about the beauty and majesty of God's gift of creation.

What a blessed morning. Thank you, Steve, for calling me to let me know...and Thank you, Lord, for the fun and interesting moments You have chosen to share with us ~ You who hung the stars and the moon ~ and set the sun on its course ~ none can fathom. Bless You.

Book List

A few people have asked me about my book list. I am a voracious reader. I love to read and often have six or seven books going at a time. I tend to read mostly Christian Books, but not always. I actually just read (in one evening - as it was like candy) a "Christian Romance" double book (e.g. two in one) from the "Love Inspired" line. I did not list it, but it is the most recent bundled one, you can pick it up at Wal Mart. If you are at all into light romance, these are fabulous. I actually used to dislike romance books, preferring mysteries (author Sydney Sheldon) or Action/Drama (Robert Ludlum) as well as Fantasy (Lord of the Rings style). However, as I have gotten busier in life, my light reading has ebbed and my reading for learning (which I love to do) has been my priority.

So, I am posted a recent/current book list should anybody wonder about books I have read or am reading. I would love to hear about your experience with these books, or your questions about them. I would also love to hear from you about what you have read that you think I might enjoy. Our wonderful pastor (blog here) had suggested I read Dallas Willard after I spoke to him about author Henri Nouwen whom I had read this spring. I took him up on this and started reading a Willard book (was actually able to get my covenant discipleship group to read it together which was even better). This book is The Divine Conspiracy. I have thoroughly enjoyed it, but it has been a tough one to get into and chew on. He is very deep and packs a lot of information into each paragraph. I find that this one I cannot read at night when I am tired.

I have just edited my list to star the ones currently reading (you can encourage me to complete them if you have read and liked them). I am good at starting books, but finishing often takes longer. Actually, one of my goals this summer was to finish a few books (which I met, thanks be to God and his provision of time), and I will be posting fewer as the school year progresses. I finished a couple of the ones on my list this past week, and hope to finish the others mid-fall. I will also remove ones that I have read more than four or five months ago as I continue this blog.
Anyone looking for an interesting take on finding Christ, that reads fairly easy, would enjoy Blue Like Jazz. It is about the author's journey toward God and clarity of what being a Christian is all about and I found it really centered in truths about today's culture.

Thanks to everyone who has commented to me about this blog site. I will try to answer questions in my posts as I go. I should have a bit more time to post as the year moves forward, but can't promise anything. My family always comes first in the priority cycle of free time. I look forward to more of your input ~ I love interaction and if I can encourage in any way, I am priveleged. Bless you all ~ and Happy Reading. :-)

Goodbye, Little One

I made the heartbreaking decision to put my dog to sleep this week. He has been a faithful part of my life for the past fifteen years...before either of my marriages were even a thought. I am going to miss the little guy.

Rowan came to me when I was running a rehab department at a nursing home. One of the head nurses brought he and his brothers to work one day to distribute them to people who had offered to take them. The young gal who was supposed to take Rowan had a change of heart, and he was left without a "home" to go to. Being the softie that I am (I had NEVER wanted a dog prior to this, mind you, I lived alone in a small townhouse with two cats and was gone much of every day), I took him home. He came home in a shoebox, and didn't even fill it.

Sweet little thing used to travel with me everywhere and anywhere. He laid on my sports bag at soccer games, dutifully watching until we finished playing. He accompanied me on many trips around the area to visit friends, and, while I was working, he managed to get me to come home a few times per day to potty train him when he was young (he accomplished this by persistently showing me his frustration with my being gone). He was a smart dog and knew well how to communicate with me. Many times I could almost swear he understood every word I said.

Rowan accompanied me through many changes, and did not complain when he was ousted by marriages, moves, babies, added children...each change he adapted to and welcomed after a period of adjustment. Three years ago he allowed our new kittens to pounce upon him and play with him ~ and would even offer a bit of play in return, ambushing them on occasion when they came around a corner~ treating them as if her were a grandpa and knew his role was important. His siblings had died (two other cats I had when he arrived to our family) and the new cats were much younger and friskier, but he was indulgent and tolerant despite his age. It was sweet to observe.

Rowan was a social dog. He always greeted everyone with a smile (often mistaken for a snarl), and loved to make a round of the immediate vicinity, visiting our neighbors each day before retiring to his bed. Rowan always protected our family and home first and foremost, and I will hold many fond memories of his standing guard positions...Once he was released by me that all was well, he shifted into a happy social dog again. My former husband used to say, how can a dog who is small enough to step on scare people?? But, he did - his bark and growl were ferocious when he was protective, and if someone were at the door who didn't know him, they expected a very large dog to accompany me when I opened. Instead they got a tiny dog (yorki pooh) who ran out the door, tail wagging, jumping up in greeting. Quite a dichotomy.

I found myself yesterday looking to prevent him from running out to greet the family walking their dog (which was always accompanied by my shout "Rowan, come back here!" and his making a loop, being sure to extend his greeting first) ~ totally unaware of how startling he was to people. If I were to sum up his temperament, I would have to call him Jekyll and Hyde to most people who knew him; "Rowan one and Rowan two" as a former landlord who watched him used to say...but to me he was always sweet Rowan. He trusted me, and in his last days he barely left my heels in his insecurity at his body discomfort.

God bless you, little one. Thank you for the many years you gave faithfully of your love and care. You will be well missed by those of us who knew you.

Wii fun...

While I was visiting my sister in Chicago, she purchased her husband Nintendo's new "Wii" game system for his birthday. Being a reticent gamer already (I got rid of the original Nintendo just five years ago and we have a Playstation... first version), I wondered what the draw was of this newer, selling like hotcakes, set up. I am not against video games (I personally can spend hours playing solitaire type games on the computer, and used to be highly addicted to Nintendo's Dr. Mario...) but I do notice how isolating they are, and I try to keep a limit on my children's time spent staring at the screen playing in parallel lives versus interacting.

Well, Wii has changed my perception a bit. Not only is it fabulously fun to create the faces and bodies of each family member (I have to tell you, some of the characters were such close caricatures), but it is actually interactive! Truly a great shift from the current norm. I watched the boys and their dad play before leaving Chicago, but didn't get a chance to experience the gaming fully since it arrived the day before my departure. However, my sister brought it to Hilton Head and we all got a turn in the fun.

The game comes with a sports program - golf, tennis, baseball, bowling. You are actually holding the remote and swinging arms and legs in the way your character needs to move to create the hit/bowl/pitch/swing. There is more physical movement than just fingers and thumbs - it is a standing, full body game. We rotated sports and players - up to four per game - so everyone in our family old enough (e.g. five and above) got a chance. Eleven kids (three were too young), two college students, and eight adults played at various levels. I bowled against my dad and brother and had a blast. Of course, smoking them helped me laugh through the experience, but I think I would have been delighted regardless. It was truly FUN. We had a cheering section, a coaching section, and lots of laughs and encouragement of one another. I have never previously experienced this type of interaction with video games.

Am I going to purchase one for my family?? No, probably not. I will continue to be the "mean and boring mom" who prefers my children to play outside, tromp through the woods, build forts, use imagination, and stay off the television...but I will say that I can easily see the draw and would enjoy playing if we owned one. The addiction compulsion and bickering about playing is still there - whose turn, who gets to choose, etc. This is something I have always steered away from with the kids, but the interaction and semblance of sportsmanship and teamwork is great. The only drawback I can see is that now that the game is so popular, Nintendo has decided to go ahead and evolve a mature rating game to participate on this system. See plugged in online for details. Too bad. This one is a great opportunity for clean family fun; it didn't need to dive into our immoral culture. But, that is our world's capitalism, I suppose...What a shame.

Family Time

I am in the suburbs of Chicago visiting my sister and her family. It has been fabulous to be able to hang out, meet her new baby (how tiny she is!) and get to know her growing toddler who is just starting to become a separate personality within the home. The older boys are terrific as well, but I must say that the little ones tend to draw more of my attention since my visits with my sister are so sporadic and the changes that occur between visits are dramatic with the younger kids. My nephew is finally of age to be interactive with me, and I delight in getting to know him.

As I have spent time in reflection this week, I have begun to observe the similarities and differences between my sister and myself. Several little things that we have laughed about together when noticing how we are becoming like our mother in many little ways. Other things one of us does but the other does not are also fun to observe. I am more "Norwegian" in the way I prepare meals (our mother was Norwegian and moved to the U.S. after marriage), she is more like our mom in the way she loves her shoes. We both find weeding flower beds to be relaxing and were grinning this morning when discussing how we used to hate helping with our grandmother's beds each summer in Norway. It seemed so unjust to have to spend a few hours or a couple of days at their house in the town tending the gardens when we would much rather have been at "our" house on the beach playing...the silliness of self-centered youth. Gosh we were so spoiled then. :-)

In my musings I kept realizing how at home I feel with my sister. It is like putting on a favorite old shirt that is soft and comforting. Walking into my sister's life is a homecoming of sorts each time we get together. The familiar patterns and relationship, the comfort of unconditional love ~ knowing there is no pretense or competition between us ~ the joy of celebrating each other and supporting one another's burdens...This all comes so naturally to us after the years of growing together.

This legacy is one I pray to pass on to my kids. We all need people who really know us well and really love us anyway. Black or white, we belong. Isn't this what God intends for our relationship with Him? The ease of familiarity, the joy of return, the comfort of knowing acceptance, and the awesome power of transforming love. Though God expects obedience, it flows naturally from this form of love. I naturally want to do for my sister whatever she needs, I naturally want to serve her and support her while I am here...isn't that how we feel when we are really visiting with God versus just passing through? Resting in Him, talking with Him and listening to what He has to share? Seeking His input, sharing familiar past history, delighting in the present while musing about the future. It forms in me a desire to spend even more time getting to know Him ~ inside and out ~ to have spent enough time and become so familiar that He truly is family in the deepest sense of the word. Innate experiential knowing that I belong to Him versus a head knowledge that He is my Father.

As I typed that section, it occured to me that this is kind of like when I was getting to know my youngest nephew here...I had a tough time the first two years of his life really "knowing" him. I often dropped him off my radar when visualizing my sister's family in a quick thought, I had not spent enough time with him or his family, and when we were together at our annual gathering, he was so young that he was less "visible" among the many kids in our family (12 kids, 8 adults until our recent 13th addition). Lack of time together, lack of phone time discussing the kids, busy separate family lives ~ all led to less familiarity than I had known with the other kids.

Isn't this the same with getting to know God as He longs to be known? As we prioritize spending time with Him, the more familiar He becomes. As we spend more time daily reading His word, talking with Him in prayer, listening to Him in silence, the easier it is to know Him intimately and the more easily we shake off desire for independence. Praise God for His grace, mercy, and tenderness that makes this relationship possible. Thank you, Jesus, for your incredible sacrifice of love!

Gazing at my Garden

This year has been a wonderful year for my front yard gardens...each year more and more volunteers come up to join ranks with the perennials I have planted and spread the joy of color and texture. I love the blends. I could sit for hours just gazing at the intricacies of the different plants and critters that invade them. I share some of my hosta, azaleas and bulbs with the deer, but have found a new spray that will discourage snacking which has allowed for more blooms...I am blessed.

I spent an hour the other day taking snapshots of caterpillars, beetles, moths, bees, and other (unknown) critters visiting my plants. I had to laugh as I used an entire role of film and could have taken more...it just delights me so! I was using a regular 35mm camera, but am eager to get a memory stick for my ancient digital camera ~ I have always used a floppy disc, but those are not as easy to come by any more and I do need to become more techno savvy~ then I can take pics to my heart's delight. Plus, this camera has an amazing way of zooming in on plants that is sometimes breathtaking. I have several of my photos framed in my office and they bring me refreshment when I desire to look away from the mess of papers and computer screen.

I leave tomorrow for a week with my sister (playing with my newest niece and my nephews!). I am blessed to be going and eager to see her, but today I started wondering how my gardens would be when I got home. It is the time when the sunflowers are bowing their heads in submission to another end of their growing season. The birds are delighted as the seeds will soon be dropping (all of my sunflowers were volunteers this year ~ it was amazing and wonderful to see so many come up on their own after thinking they would be annuals!). My zinnias have just peaked as well as the blackeyed susans and echinacia and cosmos. I have about twenty five rose buds about to burst into bloom, and creeping pansies going wild. The coral bells are shedding, and various annuals are in full bloom...I am only waiting on my bachelor buttons which got a late start this year, and my grassess that are a reddish color and the coleus that was a bit dry before the rains. I think I may return to another color scheme and design. I am hopeful...

How gracious God is to provide such a variety of growing seasons for plants. We can be blessed with colors and leaves throughout the year. Those like me who love plants and color can slowly add blooms and varieties to their gardens to maintain some kind of life all year long. I enjoy the winter time when most are dormant except the evergreens and some rather hardy plants, but my delight is in the profusion of colors, textures and scents...I think if there were not that period of dormancy, I wouldn't appreciate as fully the new life each spring, summer and fall...what an awesome God we have ~ "Look how the wild flowers grow. They don't work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn't as well clothed as one of them. God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. He will surely do even more for you!" (Matthew 6:28-30)

Little Things

I have been so busy with my God-ordained role of mommyhood this summer that so many cool insights I have had have been passed by...I have journaled some of them during my prayer time (so if I am really on top of things this fall, I may revisit them), but have not taken the time to actually sit online to type. I generally try to limit my computer time when the kids are home.

Anyway, I had another fun moment during my girls' cotillion classes. As I was driving off one day another mother flagged me down to say "I really like your license plate...I saw your van last week at the grocery store and started to think about what yours said and how I represented something totally different." Her license plate read "2 Stinkrz" (or something like that, I can't recall the spelling but that was the jist). My license reads CR8 LV. When I had originally gone with a vanity plate I sought every option for "Be Grateful" as well as gratitude and thanksgiving themes. Create Love was the only option that could be found in a vein of what I wanted to encourage while driving (and I have thought often about my driving while displaying this, such as when I am feeling impatient ~ how can I drive one way and speak another?? What a hypocrite! It has been good for me.)...

In sharing with this mom, I talked about why I wanted to focus on what God could do within our lives versus what my perception was at times, and how I felt that my kids were reflected in her license as well at times, but I did not want to have that as their label and encourage it, but to have another aspiration to encourage. She spoke of a feeling of conviction/contrition when originally seeing my license and left saying maybe she needed to think about changing hers... How incredibly awesome that moment was! I was thrilled at our Heavenly Father's use of my simple efforts to convict and encourage another mom. It reminds me, once again, that as we continue to walk in love and share that love in small ways, God can be blessed and He then can work in the opportunity to be a blessing to others. He is so cool!

Thoughtful people

My kids had their first swim meet of the summer last night. We got just past halfway when the skies broke open, shortly thereafter the lightening started so the meet ended. I was somewhat grateful as I was responsible for timing the swimmers the second half and was becoming very chilled by the cold rain (I had not dressed for cool, nor rainy, weather). However, I was also blessed during this time at how quickly folks at our pool stepped up - one of the lifeguards/swim coaches came to find me and offer me her sweatshirt (off her back). She was holding my six year old, trying to keep her encouraged and comforted while I was unavailable, and came to find me to offer more support. She was just heading for my car to get our beach umbrella when the meet was called.

I can't even begin to say what a wonderful blessing that imparted to my heart. Another lady in my group of timers immediately ran to get pencils when the rain became worse in order that we could record the times on the swimmer's cards in a way that "worked" since our pens were no longer able to write on the very wet cards we were being given. She did this between swimmers, and we were on a very "tight" schedule with the head as he was trying to get as many in as possible before the meet ended. I was blessed by her thoughtfulness as well.

I pray each day that I, too, can be this light to others in our dark world.

A New Niece!

God is so cool!! My sister, whom I absolutely adore, was due with her fourth child at the end of June (June 27, to be exact). :-) She has had difficult pregnancies each time, and this one, while filled with horrible nausea and such (per usual) was a bit different in that she did not end up on bedrest at any point. I celebrated each week she was closer to the "no bedrest needed" date of 35 weeks. Each week beyond that has just been icing on the cake...though I kept hoping that maybe she would have the baby early, so she could share a birthday.

So, last night I get a call - it was my sis, and she was in the hospital. They had decided to induce labor because they did a sonogram and noticed that there was no amniotic fluid visible in the sac. Frightening. She had gone to see the doc (not too tough since she is an OB herself) because she had felt really crummy all day while seeing patients. She was concerned, apparently rightfully so, and they decided to get her baby into this world. I was praying that she would wait until today to deliver since today actually is her birthday (I still wanted that neat twist for her)but didn't think it was too sensible since this was seven and 1/2 hours after the induction started (and fourth babies seem to know how to go faster than the first three)...just like perfection, at 12:05 a.m. the little tyke arrived.

Now, the best part. My sis is a boy machine (I am a girl machine...we just work that way). :-) She was sure it was another boy, but didn't "find out" (which is actually true of her other pregnancies as well). I was sure that God would, in His infinite love and grace, bless her with a girl. When she called about her induction, I was certain He was orchestrating a rich blessing (I had it in my mind that this would be the crowning glory of her beautiful season of birthing babies, and that she would be tremendously blessed by such a neat ending)...God did just that. My sister was just that - blessed beyond measure. He is so neat in the different ways He delights in bringing us joy.

My sister absolutely, unequivocably LOVES and ADORES her sons, please may nobody reading misinterpret. She is a fabulous mom, has a great husband, and he is a great dad tp the boys as well. Many would understand "family" in a greater depth if they spent time with my sister's...but they are both tickled to bits (as are the boys) to have a girl amongst the gang. I am just so excited for them I cannot quit smiling. I keep looking up to our maker and thanking Him for His incredible love for us and willingness to shower us at times with the desires of our hearts. How cool... My sister, she keeps looking at her daughter's bottom side, sure that it might change. :-) How funny.

To Alexandra "Lexie," my new niece ~ may God become the mainstay of your life, may He bless you richly and guide your every thought as you grow older. "May the Lord Bless and keep you, May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you, may the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace" Numbers 6:24-26. Lexie, I pray that you learn to depend upon and trust your loving parents in such a way that transferring that dependence to your heavenly Dad is a natural and graceful evolution...may you bless all whom you meet and be richly amazed by the joys of life in your family. We love you. Welcome to our world.

The "Better" Divorce...(is there one??)

Today was "Donuts for Dad" in my daughter's kindergarten class. I was early in pregnancy with this daughter when her dad and I separated. Her teacher needed three moms to come in and honor the dads by serving. I was one of the volunteers. I had a few people question me ~ why do they question genuine caring? I fear our world is so mixed up about priorities. Why wouldn't I serve my former husband? Why wouldn't I show my daughter how important her dad is to our family? Why wouldn't I encourage him to participate first, before asking her stepdad if he had been unavailable? The good news ~ my daughter did not even question my being there in the slightest. She didn't know I had voluteered, so she was surprised and excited to see me; it didn't cross her mind that this was odd. It was natural and comfortable for her ~ as it should be. When they took pictures for the kids memory books, I was happy to stand in with her and her dad when she asked. I then quietly stepped out and asked that they take another with she and her dad alone (since they were planning on giving the dad's copies as well as putting a copy in the kids end of the year memory books).

I pray daily to have a good relationship with my kids and their father. I pray that one day there will be even more fluency between us than we have now. My kids muse about how wonderful it would be if their dad and stepmom lived next door on one side and my husbands kids and thier family lived on the other side. I join in that musing with an "absolutely ~ that would be awesome!" And I mean it...at least in the same neighborhood; maybe not right next door. :-)
I would love to have everyone live closer. It would provide a stronger foundation of support for the children, alleviate some of the challenges with "switching homes" related to hurts when leaving, etc (especially for my step kids who get time in big chunks versus regular weekends) and teach us all to grow through things in a better way. I think they should mandate this type of relationship, if at all possible. It should be a law that all parents will try to love one another despite differences and difficulties that led to divorce. Our children, and our culture, desperately need this. I pray even more that families would consider all avenues of counsel, self-assessment and ownership of 1/2 the difficulties, etc. before ever moving forward with a divorce.

We are a product of our own selfish desires run amuck in society. We need to start looking at the big picture...and, if we know God ~ thinking eternally and trusting Him for the outcomes versus taking them on ourselves. I've learned my lessons well, I pray I can stop some people from making big mistakes and encourage them to see the truth for what it is. We do so need a change.

The Big D

Divorce...I ran into an old acquaintance at the pool over the weekend. We had seen each other twice in the same week (and I really have not seen her for years). I knew her when I was previously married. We decided that we were supposed to catch up a bit since this was highly unusual. The discussion turned to divorce/remarriage as she asked me "what is your last name now that you are remarried and don't go by Willard any more? A simple question that reflects so much about where society has gone.

I am not proud to be in the category of "divorcees." I am certainly not one who condones divorce. I read recently that most people who have divorced encourage their friends who are considering separating to go ahead and do so. I was appaled! The study went on to state that people who are divorced feel like hypocrites if they advocate against it so they don't, and they feel like they are "right" about what they have chosen so they want to defend their own position. I say give me a break!! I really encourage everybody I know who is "considering" that option to throw it out completely as it is not the answer to anything. I did divorce, yes. I had several very good reasons, yes. God even freed me to go ahead and finalize the papers...but it was still a VERY DIFFICULT DECISION and most people I speak with don't have near the "stuff" happening in their marriage that was in mine. Not that I have an excuse, I am just saying that I am amazed at the "reasons" given by people ~ they all come down to one thing (once again...sigh) ME ~ my *needs,* my *rights,* etc. WE are so incredibly self-centered.

I don't have a full week go by that I don't notice the impact of divorce upon my children or my life. I pray daily that my children will be fully blessed by family and all that it means, despite divorce. I go out of my way to love and encourage my former husband and his wife, as well as my husband's former wife and her husband - no matter what. We have taken the "high road" so many times when it would be so easy to react and respond in ways that promote ill will. We have been in court (having been taken in or forced to go) a few times related to my stepkids (this only in the four years I have been married, my husband has been much more) in situations where we could have turned the tables or pushed the envelope to "win" much. But the kids would lose. Why would a parent ever want to do that?!

This whole mode of thinking started by this conversation at the pool was related to a comment my friend made. She fairly accurately stated that separation isn't even to work things out anymore, it is just a legal step toward divorce. This came up because her brother-in-law had just announced his imminent separation, and she and her husband (the BIL's brother) were shocked. They didn't even know there were problems in the marriage. Her husband's response to his brother was "What??? How can you do that? You have not shared any difficulties or struggles between you all...how can this be out of the blue?? (They are pretty close) You have not been seeking support to grow back together; you have not tried any counseling; you have not given it all efforts...what are you thinking?!" Praise God some people still do believe in commitment. Wish we all did.

Summer is Approaching

Each year I enter into summertime with excitement and trepidation. Only moms in blended families can understand the incredible joy and challenge of mothering children who are not part of your history and belong to another mom. Each year I think, "okay, this year it will be easier ~ we are further along the journey, we have grown so much together..." but then my heart belies my anxiety about how things will go. I hate to experience this feeling. I like to think myself not one to buy into the worries, but my stomach has already begun knotting up...knowing that there is a daily struggle ahead to walk through.

My heart yearns for my stepchildren to know they are loved fully and completely. My heart desires to protect them from some of the things in their lives that I have no rights over. My heart breaks at some of the ways they do not recieve what I consider absolutes for children ~ and because of this it also hesitates; I know there will again be challenges in adjustment to our family's life versus what they are used to. When I first married their dad, the kids lived locally and we saw them very often. Once per week one of them would stay the night with us, as well as every other weekend, a few weeks here and there, and some extended time in the summers. That changed three years ago when their mom decided to move to Florida (not a great reason given - she and her husband just wanted to retire and move). Their dad didn't fight the move, with the reasoning that she was retiring, so they would get more of her than they had recieved before (she traveled a lot for work). He was also trying to keep them out of what would have been an ugly battle.

Well, they moved, she retired, and promptly began working full time again. Some things can't be changed...anyway, that is not my big heart issue. My big issue is how they float in and out of our lives, and how our influence is important, but not consistent. Their dad struggles daily with not being able to provide a home environment for them that he would prefer they have, and not being able to encourage their mom to consider some of his concerns. It is difficult at times, heartbreaking at others. We don't have the same challenges on my former spouse's side thankfully, but that doesn't mean I feel any better about the fact that my kids even have to adjust to two families.

My stepchildren have been parented in such a way that they are becoming the kind of kids I don't necessarily want fully influencing my children. I love my stepchildren passionately. I often fight against my urges to mother them as I would naturally do; I must relinquish that fullness since it goes against what works for their mom and causes conflict. They want to do well and are good kids overall ~ but they are not used to many things we have here such as schedules, parents overseeing their every plan, as well as other rules. They are also now 11 and 13, being raised like they are about 15 and 17 in their freedoms and adult interactions. This causes some adjustment conflicts each summer when they arrive for an extended "visit" (this year is nine weeks, usually it is 7-8).

The three to ten day visits throughout the year are a bit easier as they truly are "visiting" those times. Sliding kids in and out of our daily lives, incorporating them and embracing them, and then letting them slip back home for many weeks between shorter visits is very difficult emotionally as we miss them so much, but it is not as disruptive in the family dynamics... I can't even put to words the challenges of incorporating kids in to a totally different environment than their regular home life when they spend at least 75% of their time at their regular home. It doesn't work this way in my mind, but the actuality is always something that pulls at the hearts and emotions in them and us...how do you compartmentalize life? It is totally unfair. I know why marriages are intended to be forever.

Anyway, with their return fast approaching, I am preparing their rooms and clothes, connecting with my husband about summer plans, and discussing what might be done differently related to some things this summer as compared to last ~ as well as affirming with one another what has been good overall. In the interim, as this time where their mother must relinquish them draws near, I am getting verbally berated by *interested parties* about how I care about the kids and try to support them. I have been flat out told that I need to butt out of their lives and not worry about anything they are dealing with and not try to help them with struggles they have in school or challenges they have with other things because it is "none of my business." I have been attacked for things I have done with them in the past that they "didn't need and never would have had" if it had only been their dad caring for them. (Course, if he was still single, they wouldn't be able to come visit for most of the summer so there would be differences there anyway.) I am overall being challenged to "realize that I am not their mother (uh, yeah, I know) and therefore I have no *rights* to parent them (unless it is something their mom asks me to do, according to this person). Their dad continues to be treated as a prop in their lives. It is truly amazing to me. The anger being directed toward me is not my husband's perspective, but he is not yet able to support me in these instances. It is truly HARD. I feel drained after these encounters, and discouraged as well.

As these interactions have been amping up again, and as the kids have continuously been taught and encouraged to judge me as inadequate and a bit crazy; not necessarily someone that they need to respect or listen to unless their dad is telling them to, I am praying steadily that God will again work miracles through me by keeping me from reacting to the strains from the actions that come from this teaching... keeping me steady in trusting that I can do all things through Him alone. Last summer was better, as was Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break - we only had a couple of real struggles this past year...but...life is life, and that means it is undpredictable.

Ultimately as I sit here and type this, I know it will be okay. We have had some wonderful visits. I am just on edge because of the need for "perfect" behavior in order not to be judged as lacking and reported upon to others. It feels like a fishbowl effect. Any dispute that arises between my husband and myself (which happens a bit more during the transition times as the anxiety is there based upon the lack of control my husband has for what he prefers for them and what he wants for them...) is grounds for reporting more about our "terrible marriage" to their home. Any challenge stirred up late in the day that is between the kids and I is also an area of contention as the splitting efforts begin and my husband's guilt/protective instincts kick in against me given how much he has had to fight against his former wife to keep his time with the kids. This, of course, often gets blown out of proportion. It can be very provocative and stirring in our home. My stepkids have been taught that "normal families don't argue" and if you argue "there is something wrong with you." I really have no idea how their home life works, but it appears that there must be much disconnection, and I don't ever want that in my family. I know you won't argue if you continue to go your own way and do your own thing...but what kind of intimacy would that breed?

So, I enter in to the homestretch of preparation. Much time being spent shoring up coparent values, preparing my heart for submitting when it goes against everything in me, and trusting that God will lead us through ~ not just "making it", but loving one another triumphantly. He has brought us so far...our family unity can only continue to improve as we grow together and individually under His tender love and mercy. It is times like these I especially Thank God HE is God and I can rest in Him.

A Word of encouragement..

This came this morning from a group I belong to...I thought it uplifting and appropriate for my current positioning with God ~ He is so good at encouraging us.

This word is submitted by Yolanda Ballard [roarnworship@cfl.rr.com]
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When The Enemy Comes On Strong

If you are living in the war zone, be of good cheer. It is because the enemy knows he has lost the battle! Otherwise, he would be keeping his identity totally hidden and remain dormant so that he can keep control of things. But because he is coming on strong, it shows that he is panicking and doing all he can to put up a fight to try to wear us down. But every time he shows his ugly head, he gets blasted by us, and more and more he is losing his grip on matters. Soon he will be cast off once and for all.
So if we weren't such a threat to his kingdom, he would be leaving us alone. So you see, we are valuable to the Lord, and the enemy knows it!
What the enemy means for harm is working for our good. All things work for our good. So you think the enemy would have learned by now that all he is doing is causing us to be strengthened in the might of the Lord and causing us to draw even closer to our Lord and Savior.
Yes, what we are going through is not comfortable. Dying to self is not fun, but God's resurrection power is surging through us every step of the crucified life. If we haven't gone through what we have over the years, we would not be ready for what is right around the corner. If we can't run with the footmen, what would we do when the horses come? So rejoice, the victory is ours, and the enemy knows it. He knows he has lost the fight, and soon he will be on the run.
If he knew the outcome of what would happen when Jesus died on the cross, he wouldn't have done it. Everything the enemy is doing is working against him, and working towards the culmination of God's perfect plan and purpose. Glory to the Lamb who sits on the throne, the King of kings, the Mighty Lion of Judah, and He reigns sovereign Lord of all! He's a big God and on our side. We rejoice in His victory and rest in His faithfulness.
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Post to: Prophetic-word@godspeak.net

Growing Through Anguish

I've been spending much time lately growing in places once left unchecked. I have come to understand how much of a good thing this is (though it feels to be an unbearable experience while walking it out). Psalm 51:17 reminds me "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise"...I am in the best company I could possibly have ~ I can remember this if I keep my eyes upward.

A couple of weeks ago, I "lost" my faith/hope/trust in my ability to walk the path God has me on. Deep inside, I knew that He could walk me through anything He allowed, but I chose to look at my outer circumstances. In my anguish and tribulation I felt desperate for escape and frightened for myself. Once again, "me" was rising with vengeance. I spent an entire evening crying while praying ~ pouring out heartbreak and despair to God. I knew that He was lovingly listening to every thought and heart cry, but I was not ready to accept that He would allow me to experience this suffering over such a prolonged period of time. After sitting with Him and spending much time resting in His graceful mercy, reading a Psalm aloud over and over with a choking voice and heart, I fell asleep peacefully. Thinking I was coming out of the abyss, I awoke refreshed and ready to embrace a new day ~ only to discover that my heartache was still very much present.

I started my day with my devotional time, I played my favorite worship cd while getting the kids ready for school, and was feeling peaceful when a wave of sadness overtook me again. It was darker than the night prior. I was knocked off my feet. Praise flew out the window of my mind ~ "I" took center stage. My needs, what I deserved, what I didn't deserve, and the unfairness of my condition. I succumbed to the pity party and complaining ~ this time dumping all of my heartache on God; seeking to have Him miraculously transform my feelings into gratitude, joy and peace.

It is times like this when I kick myself to pray actively for more faith as well ~ where below all the mental chatter I KNOW God is real and with me and I KNOW this blip on my map will be used to His glory if I will just Submit and Be Still. I just don't want to submit to the experience. There, that's the truth...who in their own mind would want to submit to such pain?

ME, ME, ME...that is all that was on my mind at that moment. "What about Me??!"

Blessedly, our Savior will not leave us in this state of unrest. He so kindly took my hand that day and walked me forward in one of the most tremendously gentle and caring ways. He uplifted me and showed me a glimpse of the incredible love He has for us all. As I sought to join myself with Him and allow Him to help me out of the pit, for a brief moment I experienced "one Spirit;" it was indescribably AWESOME..."The one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17

God then showed me that the power of sin is equal to the power of unbelief. When I am being pushed to despair by our enemy, things will be magnified and problems will be falsely interpreted which makes the burden appear too heavy to bear. But if I am empathizing with others or myself, and holding that burden in my own heart, I am in sin. No form of compassion ~ for self or others ~ is helpful if not translated to God's Spirit support versus our self (get that? Self again...). We are the subject of God's great compassion, but we must not choose to subject ourselves to our own compassion ~ or to hold compassion for others in pain without seeking God to carry that burden. I must choose to walk in complete assurance that God knows all, sees all, and has the matter fully under control.

When I began to ask God to frame things for me, from His point of view, He blessed me by reminding me that the more I suffer, the deeper my opportunity to really experience true fellowship with Christ's heart. It briefly allowed my heart to experience a glimpse of understanding of the INCREDIBLE love that was poured out for us...how He chose to suffer voluntarily in so many horrific and longsuffering ways...so that we, sinners and enemies of God, might be saved and redeemed. It was too moving and deeply convicting for my helpless words to describe here.

So, as I was singing "Jesus, Thank You" with all of my heart, I burst into tears...

"The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me

Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You

By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end

Lover of my soul
I want to live for You"
(by Pat Sczebel)

Praise God!~ He restored me; bringing me back to the only reality I need focus on. I got the "me" out for the moment and the "He" back in to right relation...I am so incredibly blessed.

But Not Broken...

My title ~ my blogspot account page ~ originally I thought it to be a fluent "Fallen, but not broken" but now I see this phrase in a different light. I picked it for something "easy" to remember for me when I was typing the address, but it is not totally accurate from my heart's perspective when I read it as an "outsider" looking in. I feel prompted to clarify my thoughts for God is way too good to me for me to consider myself fallen, and He is far too wonderful for me not to be broken...I actually want to be broken...I want to be poured out. I want to be everything of God and nothing of me...It is my heart's desire to daily experience a form of unbroken community with our Most Holy One.

My original musings were that I was "not broken" in an unfixable way, though I am born of fallen man...I have been made alive and righteous in Christ...I am a child of the Living God. No longer am I fallen as I have been born anew into an incredible spiritual family with a Head of the House who is greater than any could fathom...Wow!! It fills me with incredible gratitude and joy to even write that truth!

Webster's Dictionary defines Broken 1) split or cracked into pieces; splintered, fractured, burst, etc. 2) not in working condition; out of order 3) not kept or observed; violated 4) disrupted, as by divorce 5) sick, weakened, or beaten...

So, I actually want to be the first definition, and it has been my heart's desire for many years (believe me, God has taken me at my word on this! He has given me oh so many opportunites to be split and cracked and splintered ~ I am nearly burst into pieces...but this is oh so glorious!)
Where I am "but not broken" is in the rest of the definitions. God has given me strength in my weakness, righteousness and order in lieu of my ugliness, union despite my selfishness, and health...He has blessed me beyond measure and daily proven He is there. He is the vine, I am a branch. My sustenance comes from Him ~ my Joy is only real when it is based in Him, and my life is never "out of order, violated, disrupted, sick, weakened or beaten" in any true sense of these words when I keep my eyes on His truth and His promises. ~ Amen? Hallelujah.

May He Reign!

Ice Storm

Walking forward last week, anticipating much time of reflection, prayer, refilling, and focus...then the icy rains. Four days (Tuesday through Friday) with all the kids home, and inside because of ice rather than snow. All plans for "getting things organized/done and resting" cast out the window with school closings. The blessing? I was able to be home with the kids since where I work was closed on the two days I usually go in as well (the other two days being my usual "days off" with some time to get housework done in the afternoons after volunteer stuff and bible studies in the mornings).

One child's birthday on Friday night (sleepover, seven girls, not so big house, LOUD but fun) ;-)
Stepchildren arriving on Friday night for extended weekend. Chaos ensued. Did I get anything I wanted to do completed?? No. Did I get done all that was important? Absolutely. Where do "I" fit in to this equation? That is the point of where God has me growing right now. "I" don't fit in. I, as His servant, do.

This is a tough lesson for me. While I love to serve, I desperately seek "me time" to revive, rest, and organize or just read. I have had to forego this more than I prefer, though I have had some opportunities I realize as I type this. God has repayed me richly today as it is an unexpected day off from my work due to power lines down and water main breaks that shut down our facility. Praise Him, Hallelujah! I can use today to rest, rejuvenate, and realign my priorities and self. Especially with three more birthdays to celebrate in the next week and 1/2. I have read from His word, and begun to prepare an offering of encouragement to the ladies of our old church ~ for the retreat I am speaking at next month. This also was something I needed "time" to prepare. Thank you that today is the day.

I find myself humbled...who am I but a servant who wishes to do the will of my Master. I am broken beyond measure; I just ate 1/2 a bag of m&m's while reading a devotional book. My stomach cravings belie the truth about what my body needs and my self-control is not so good these days (e.g. my stomach is now sick, but I am not yet repentant). I love my Lord and Savior, but cannot honor His purity in my own strength. Teach me, Oh Lord, your ways.

Thank God He is Almighty, wonderful Lord. I am so grateful that He loves me so! He is working with me on other things right now - so many areas I need cleansing and righteousness. I am so thankful that I do not have to do anything on my own, but have access to purity through the blood of His Son alone.

The ice storm showed me my selfish heart. The fun we had all week and weekend with family showed me how important it is to order my days according to His will. The freedom today reminds me again about how much He desires that I be blessed. He has a storehouse of blessings for us all, we need just ask. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for all You do. Thank you for the ice storm that we were blessed with home time, "snow" this year, and joy of family. Thank you that you remind me that relationships are top priority over work and daily home activities.
Thank you that you give time for what is important to your kingdom. May your Kingdom come here in our home. Thy will be done. Bless my speech writing ~ may it reflect your words and heart and touch those who need to be freed.

Bless you.