Today was "Donuts for Dad" in my daughter's kindergarten class. I was early in pregnancy with this daughter when her dad and I separated. Her teacher needed three moms to come in and honor the dads by serving. I was one of the volunteers. I had a few people question me ~ why do they question genuine caring? I fear our world is so mixed up about priorities. Why wouldn't I serve my former husband? Why wouldn't I show my daughter how important her dad is to our family? Why wouldn't I encourage him to participate first, before asking her stepdad if he had been unavailable? The good news ~ my daughter did not even question my being there in the slightest. She didn't know I had voluteered, so she was surprised and excited to see me; it didn't cross her mind that this was odd. It was natural and comfortable for her ~ as it should be. When they took pictures for the kids memory books, I was happy to stand in with her and her dad when she asked. I then quietly stepped out and asked that they take another with she and her dad alone (since they were planning on giving the dad's copies as well as putting a copy in the kids end of the year memory books).
I pray daily to have a good relationship with my kids and their father. I pray that one day there will be even more fluency between us than we have now. My kids muse about how wonderful it would be if their dad and stepmom lived next door on one side and my husbands kids and thier family lived on the other side. I join in that musing with an "absolutely ~ that would be awesome!" And I mean it...at least in the same neighborhood; maybe not right next door. :-)
I would love to have everyone live closer. It would provide a stronger foundation of support for the children, alleviate some of the challenges with "switching homes" related to hurts when leaving, etc (especially for my step kids who get time in big chunks versus regular weekends) and teach us all to grow through things in a better way. I think they should mandate this type of relationship, if at all possible. It should be a law that all parents will try to love one another despite differences and difficulties that led to divorce. Our children, and our culture, desperately need this. I pray even more that families would consider all avenues of counsel, self-assessment and ownership of 1/2 the difficulties, etc. before ever moving forward with a divorce.
We are a product of our own selfish desires run amuck in society. We need to start looking at the big picture...and, if we know God ~ thinking eternally and trusting Him for the outcomes versus taking them on ourselves. I've learned my lessons well, I pray I can stop some people from making big mistakes and encourage them to see the truth for what it is. We do so need a change.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The Big D
Divorce...I ran into an old acquaintance at the pool over the weekend. We had seen each other twice in the same week (and I really have not seen her for years). I knew her when I was previously married. We decided that we were supposed to catch up a bit since this was highly unusual. The discussion turned to divorce/remarriage as she asked me "what is your last name now that you are remarried and don't go by Willard any more? A simple question that reflects so much about where society has gone.
I am not proud to be in the category of "divorcees." I am certainly not one who condones divorce. I read recently that most people who have divorced encourage their friends who are considering separating to go ahead and do so. I was appaled! The study went on to state that people who are divorced feel like hypocrites if they advocate against it so they don't, and they feel like they are "right" about what they have chosen so they want to defend their own position. I say give me a break!! I really encourage everybody I know who is "considering" that option to throw it out completely as it is not the answer to anything. I did divorce, yes. I had several very good reasons, yes. God even freed me to go ahead and finalize the papers...but it was still a VERY DIFFICULT DECISION and most people I speak with don't have near the "stuff" happening in their marriage that was in mine. Not that I have an excuse, I am just saying that I am amazed at the "reasons" given by people ~ they all come down to one thing (once again...sigh) ME ~ my *needs,* my *rights,* etc. WE are so incredibly self-centered.
I don't have a full week go by that I don't notice the impact of divorce upon my children or my life. I pray daily that my children will be fully blessed by family and all that it means, despite divorce. I go out of my way to love and encourage my former husband and his wife, as well as my husband's former wife and her husband - no matter what. We have taken the "high road" so many times when it would be so easy to react and respond in ways that promote ill will. We have been in court (having been taken in or forced to go) a few times related to my stepkids (this only in the four years I have been married, my husband has been much more) in situations where we could have turned the tables or pushed the envelope to "win" much. But the kids would lose. Why would a parent ever want to do that?!
This whole mode of thinking started by this conversation at the pool was related to a comment my friend made. She fairly accurately stated that separation isn't even to work things out anymore, it is just a legal step toward divorce. This came up because her brother-in-law had just announced his imminent separation, and she and her husband (the BIL's brother) were shocked. They didn't even know there were problems in the marriage. Her husband's response to his brother was "What??? How can you do that? You have not shared any difficulties or struggles between you all...how can this be out of the blue?? (They are pretty close) You have not been seeking support to grow back together; you have not tried any counseling; you have not given it all efforts...what are you thinking?!" Praise God some people still do believe in commitment. Wish we all did.
I am not proud to be in the category of "divorcees." I am certainly not one who condones divorce. I read recently that most people who have divorced encourage their friends who are considering separating to go ahead and do so. I was appaled! The study went on to state that people who are divorced feel like hypocrites if they advocate against it so they don't, and they feel like they are "right" about what they have chosen so they want to defend their own position. I say give me a break!! I really encourage everybody I know who is "considering" that option to throw it out completely as it is not the answer to anything. I did divorce, yes. I had several very good reasons, yes. God even freed me to go ahead and finalize the papers...but it was still a VERY DIFFICULT DECISION and most people I speak with don't have near the "stuff" happening in their marriage that was in mine. Not that I have an excuse, I am just saying that I am amazed at the "reasons" given by people ~ they all come down to one thing (once again...sigh) ME ~ my *needs,* my *rights,* etc. WE are so incredibly self-centered.
I don't have a full week go by that I don't notice the impact of divorce upon my children or my life. I pray daily that my children will be fully blessed by family and all that it means, despite divorce. I go out of my way to love and encourage my former husband and his wife, as well as my husband's former wife and her husband - no matter what. We have taken the "high road" so many times when it would be so easy to react and respond in ways that promote ill will. We have been in court (having been taken in or forced to go) a few times related to my stepkids (this only in the four years I have been married, my husband has been much more) in situations where we could have turned the tables or pushed the envelope to "win" much. But the kids would lose. Why would a parent ever want to do that?!
This whole mode of thinking started by this conversation at the pool was related to a comment my friend made. She fairly accurately stated that separation isn't even to work things out anymore, it is just a legal step toward divorce. This came up because her brother-in-law had just announced his imminent separation, and she and her husband (the BIL's brother) were shocked. They didn't even know there were problems in the marriage. Her husband's response to his brother was "What??? How can you do that? You have not shared any difficulties or struggles between you all...how can this be out of the blue?? (They are pretty close) You have not been seeking support to grow back together; you have not tried any counseling; you have not given it all efforts...what are you thinking?!" Praise God some people still do believe in commitment. Wish we all did.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Summer is Approaching
Each year I enter into summertime with excitement and trepidation. Only moms in blended families can understand the incredible joy and challenge of mothering children who are not part of your history and belong to another mom. Each year I think, "okay, this year it will be easier ~ we are further along the journey, we have grown so much together..." but then my heart belies my anxiety about how things will go. I hate to experience this feeling. I like to think myself not one to buy into the worries, but my stomach has already begun knotting up...knowing that there is a daily struggle ahead to walk through.
My heart yearns for my stepchildren to know they are loved fully and completely. My heart desires to protect them from some of the things in their lives that I have no rights over. My heart breaks at some of the ways they do not recieve what I consider absolutes for children ~ and because of this it also hesitates; I know there will again be challenges in adjustment to our family's life versus what they are used to. When I first married their dad, the kids lived locally and we saw them very often. Once per week one of them would stay the night with us, as well as every other weekend, a few weeks here and there, and some extended time in the summers. That changed three years ago when their mom decided to move to Florida (not a great reason given - she and her husband just wanted to retire and move). Their dad didn't fight the move, with the reasoning that she was retiring, so they would get more of her than they had recieved before (she traveled a lot for work). He was also trying to keep them out of what would have been an ugly battle.
Well, they moved, she retired, and promptly began working full time again. Some things can't be changed...anyway, that is not my big heart issue. My big issue is how they float in and out of our lives, and how our influence is important, but not consistent. Their dad struggles daily with not being able to provide a home environment for them that he would prefer they have, and not being able to encourage their mom to consider some of his concerns. It is difficult at times, heartbreaking at others. We don't have the same challenges on my former spouse's side thankfully, but that doesn't mean I feel any better about the fact that my kids even have to adjust to two families.
My stepchildren have been parented in such a way that they are becoming the kind of kids I don't necessarily want fully influencing my children. I love my stepchildren passionately. I often fight against my urges to mother them as I would naturally do; I must relinquish that fullness since it goes against what works for their mom and causes conflict. They want to do well and are good kids overall ~ but they are not used to many things we have here such as schedules, parents overseeing their every plan, as well as other rules. They are also now 11 and 13, being raised like they are about 15 and 17 in their freedoms and adult interactions. This causes some adjustment conflicts each summer when they arrive for an extended "visit" (this year is nine weeks, usually it is 7-8).
The three to ten day visits throughout the year are a bit easier as they truly are "visiting" those times. Sliding kids in and out of our daily lives, incorporating them and embracing them, and then letting them slip back home for many weeks between shorter visits is very difficult emotionally as we miss them so much, but it is not as disruptive in the family dynamics... I can't even put to words the challenges of incorporating kids in to a totally different environment than their regular home life when they spend at least 75% of their time at their regular home. It doesn't work this way in my mind, but the actuality is always something that pulls at the hearts and emotions in them and us...how do you compartmentalize life? It is totally unfair. I know why marriages are intended to be forever.
Anyway, with their return fast approaching, I am preparing their rooms and clothes, connecting with my husband about summer plans, and discussing what might be done differently related to some things this summer as compared to last ~ as well as affirming with one another what has been good overall. In the interim, as this time where their mother must relinquish them draws near, I am getting verbally berated by *interested parties* about how I care about the kids and try to support them. I have been flat out told that I need to butt out of their lives and not worry about anything they are dealing with and not try to help them with struggles they have in school or challenges they have with other things because it is "none of my business." I have been attacked for things I have done with them in the past that they "didn't need and never would have had" if it had only been their dad caring for them. (Course, if he was still single, they wouldn't be able to come visit for most of the summer so there would be differences there anyway.) I am overall being challenged to "realize that I am not their mother (uh, yeah, I know) and therefore I have no *rights* to parent them (unless it is something their mom asks me to do, according to this person). Their dad continues to be treated as a prop in their lives. It is truly amazing to me. The anger being directed toward me is not my husband's perspective, but he is not yet able to support me in these instances. It is truly HARD. I feel drained after these encounters, and discouraged as well.
As these interactions have been amping up again, and as the kids have continuously been taught and encouraged to judge me as inadequate and a bit crazy; not necessarily someone that they need to respect or listen to unless their dad is telling them to, I am praying steadily that God will again work miracles through me by keeping me from reacting to the strains from the actions that come from this teaching... keeping me steady in trusting that I can do all things through Him alone. Last summer was better, as was Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break - we only had a couple of real struggles this past year...but...life is life, and that means it is undpredictable.
Ultimately as I sit here and type this, I know it will be okay. We have had some wonderful visits. I am just on edge because of the need for "perfect" behavior in order not to be judged as lacking and reported upon to others. It feels like a fishbowl effect. Any dispute that arises between my husband and myself (which happens a bit more during the transition times as the anxiety is there based upon the lack of control my husband has for what he prefers for them and what he wants for them...) is grounds for reporting more about our "terrible marriage" to their home. Any challenge stirred up late in the day that is between the kids and I is also an area of contention as the splitting efforts begin and my husband's guilt/protective instincts kick in against me given how much he has had to fight against his former wife to keep his time with the kids. This, of course, often gets blown out of proportion. It can be very provocative and stirring in our home. My stepkids have been taught that "normal families don't argue" and if you argue "there is something wrong with you." I really have no idea how their home life works, but it appears that there must be much disconnection, and I don't ever want that in my family. I know you won't argue if you continue to go your own way and do your own thing...but what kind of intimacy would that breed?
So, I enter in to the homestretch of preparation. Much time being spent shoring up coparent values, preparing my heart for submitting when it goes against everything in me, and trusting that God will lead us through ~ not just "making it", but loving one another triumphantly. He has brought us so far...our family unity can only continue to improve as we grow together and individually under His tender love and mercy. It is times like these I especially Thank God HE is God and I can rest in Him.
My heart yearns for my stepchildren to know they are loved fully and completely. My heart desires to protect them from some of the things in their lives that I have no rights over. My heart breaks at some of the ways they do not recieve what I consider absolutes for children ~ and because of this it also hesitates; I know there will again be challenges in adjustment to our family's life versus what they are used to. When I first married their dad, the kids lived locally and we saw them very often. Once per week one of them would stay the night with us, as well as every other weekend, a few weeks here and there, and some extended time in the summers. That changed three years ago when their mom decided to move to Florida (not a great reason given - she and her husband just wanted to retire and move). Their dad didn't fight the move, with the reasoning that she was retiring, so they would get more of her than they had recieved before (she traveled a lot for work). He was also trying to keep them out of what would have been an ugly battle.
Well, they moved, she retired, and promptly began working full time again. Some things can't be changed...anyway, that is not my big heart issue. My big issue is how they float in and out of our lives, and how our influence is important, but not consistent. Their dad struggles daily with not being able to provide a home environment for them that he would prefer they have, and not being able to encourage their mom to consider some of his concerns. It is difficult at times, heartbreaking at others. We don't have the same challenges on my former spouse's side thankfully, but that doesn't mean I feel any better about the fact that my kids even have to adjust to two families.
My stepchildren have been parented in such a way that they are becoming the kind of kids I don't necessarily want fully influencing my children. I love my stepchildren passionately. I often fight against my urges to mother them as I would naturally do; I must relinquish that fullness since it goes against what works for their mom and causes conflict. They want to do well and are good kids overall ~ but they are not used to many things we have here such as schedules, parents overseeing their every plan, as well as other rules. They are also now 11 and 13, being raised like they are about 15 and 17 in their freedoms and adult interactions. This causes some adjustment conflicts each summer when they arrive for an extended "visit" (this year is nine weeks, usually it is 7-8).
The three to ten day visits throughout the year are a bit easier as they truly are "visiting" those times. Sliding kids in and out of our daily lives, incorporating them and embracing them, and then letting them slip back home for many weeks between shorter visits is very difficult emotionally as we miss them so much, but it is not as disruptive in the family dynamics... I can't even put to words the challenges of incorporating kids in to a totally different environment than their regular home life when they spend at least 75% of their time at their regular home. It doesn't work this way in my mind, but the actuality is always something that pulls at the hearts and emotions in them and us...how do you compartmentalize life? It is totally unfair. I know why marriages are intended to be forever.
Anyway, with their return fast approaching, I am preparing their rooms and clothes, connecting with my husband about summer plans, and discussing what might be done differently related to some things this summer as compared to last ~ as well as affirming with one another what has been good overall. In the interim, as this time where their mother must relinquish them draws near, I am getting verbally berated by *interested parties* about how I care about the kids and try to support them. I have been flat out told that I need to butt out of their lives and not worry about anything they are dealing with and not try to help them with struggles they have in school or challenges they have with other things because it is "none of my business." I have been attacked for things I have done with them in the past that they "didn't need and never would have had" if it had only been their dad caring for them. (Course, if he was still single, they wouldn't be able to come visit for most of the summer so there would be differences there anyway.) I am overall being challenged to "realize that I am not their mother (uh, yeah, I know) and therefore I have no *rights* to parent them (unless it is something their mom asks me to do, according to this person). Their dad continues to be treated as a prop in their lives. It is truly amazing to me. The anger being directed toward me is not my husband's perspective, but he is not yet able to support me in these instances. It is truly HARD. I feel drained after these encounters, and discouraged as well.
As these interactions have been amping up again, and as the kids have continuously been taught and encouraged to judge me as inadequate and a bit crazy; not necessarily someone that they need to respect or listen to unless their dad is telling them to, I am praying steadily that God will again work miracles through me by keeping me from reacting to the strains from the actions that come from this teaching... keeping me steady in trusting that I can do all things through Him alone. Last summer was better, as was Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break - we only had a couple of real struggles this past year...but...life is life, and that means it is undpredictable.
Ultimately as I sit here and type this, I know it will be okay. We have had some wonderful visits. I am just on edge because of the need for "perfect" behavior in order not to be judged as lacking and reported upon to others. It feels like a fishbowl effect. Any dispute that arises between my husband and myself (which happens a bit more during the transition times as the anxiety is there based upon the lack of control my husband has for what he prefers for them and what he wants for them...) is grounds for reporting more about our "terrible marriage" to their home. Any challenge stirred up late in the day that is between the kids and I is also an area of contention as the splitting efforts begin and my husband's guilt/protective instincts kick in against me given how much he has had to fight against his former wife to keep his time with the kids. This, of course, often gets blown out of proportion. It can be very provocative and stirring in our home. My stepkids have been taught that "normal families don't argue" and if you argue "there is something wrong with you." I really have no idea how their home life works, but it appears that there must be much disconnection, and I don't ever want that in my family. I know you won't argue if you continue to go your own way and do your own thing...but what kind of intimacy would that breed?
So, I enter in to the homestretch of preparation. Much time being spent shoring up coparent values, preparing my heart for submitting when it goes against everything in me, and trusting that God will lead us through ~ not just "making it", but loving one another triumphantly. He has brought us so far...our family unity can only continue to improve as we grow together and individually under His tender love and mercy. It is times like these I especially Thank God HE is God and I can rest in Him.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
A Word of encouragement..
This came this morning from a group I belong to...I thought it uplifting and appropriate for my current positioning with God ~ He is so good at encouraging us.
This word is submitted by Yolanda Ballard [roarnworship@cfl.rr.com]
------
When The Enemy Comes On Strong
If you are living in the war zone, be of good cheer. It is because the enemy knows he has lost the battle! Otherwise, he would be keeping his identity totally hidden and remain dormant so that he can keep control of things. But because he is coming on strong, it shows that he is panicking and doing all he can to put up a fight to try to wear us down. But every time he shows his ugly head, he gets blasted by us, and more and more he is losing his grip on matters. Soon he will be cast off once and for all.
So if we weren't such a threat to his kingdom, he would be leaving us alone. So you see, we are valuable to the Lord, and the enemy knows it!
What the enemy means for harm is working for our good. All things work for our good. So you think the enemy would have learned by now that all he is doing is causing us to be strengthened in the might of the Lord and causing us to draw even closer to our Lord and Savior.
Yes, what we are going through is not comfortable. Dying to self is not fun, but God's resurrection power is surging through us every step of the crucified life. If we haven't gone through what we have over the years, we would not be ready for what is right around the corner. If we can't run with the footmen, what would we do when the horses come? So rejoice, the victory is ours, and the enemy knows it. He knows he has lost the fight, and soon he will be on the run.
If he knew the outcome of what would happen when Jesus died on the cross, he wouldn't have done it. Everything the enemy is doing is working against him, and working towards the culmination of God's perfect plan and purpose. Glory to the Lamb who sits on the throne, the King of kings, the Mighty Lion of Judah, and He reigns sovereign Lord of all! He's a big God and on our side. We rejoice in His victory and rest in His faithfulness.
_______________________________________________________________________
Post to: Prophetic-word@godspeak.net
This word is submitted by Yolanda Ballard [roarnworship@cfl.rr.com]
------
When The Enemy Comes On Strong
If you are living in the war zone, be of good cheer. It is because the enemy knows he has lost the battle! Otherwise, he would be keeping his identity totally hidden and remain dormant so that he can keep control of things. But because he is coming on strong, it shows that he is panicking and doing all he can to put up a fight to try to wear us down. But every time he shows his ugly head, he gets blasted by us, and more and more he is losing his grip on matters. Soon he will be cast off once and for all.
So if we weren't such a threat to his kingdom, he would be leaving us alone. So you see, we are valuable to the Lord, and the enemy knows it!
What the enemy means for harm is working for our good. All things work for our good. So you think the enemy would have learned by now that all he is doing is causing us to be strengthened in the might of the Lord and causing us to draw even closer to our Lord and Savior.
Yes, what we are going through is not comfortable. Dying to self is not fun, but God's resurrection power is surging through us every step of the crucified life. If we haven't gone through what we have over the years, we would not be ready for what is right around the corner. If we can't run with the footmen, what would we do when the horses come? So rejoice, the victory is ours, and the enemy knows it. He knows he has lost the fight, and soon he will be on the run.
If he knew the outcome of what would happen when Jesus died on the cross, he wouldn't have done it. Everything the enemy is doing is working against him, and working towards the culmination of God's perfect plan and purpose. Glory to the Lamb who sits on the throne, the King of kings, the Mighty Lion of Judah, and He reigns sovereign Lord of all! He's a big God and on our side. We rejoice in His victory and rest in His faithfulness.
_______________________________________________________________________
Post to: Prophetic-word@godspeak.net
Monday, May 21, 2007
Growing Through Anguish
I've been spending much time lately growing in places once left unchecked. I have come to understand how much of a good thing this is (though it feels to be an unbearable experience while walking it out). Psalm 51:17 reminds me "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise"...I am in the best company I could possibly have ~ I can remember this if I keep my eyes upward.
A couple of weeks ago, I "lost" my faith/hope/trust in my ability to walk the path God has me on. Deep inside, I knew that He could walk me through anything He allowed, but I chose to look at my outer circumstances. In my anguish and tribulation I felt desperate for escape and frightened for myself. Once again, "me" was rising with vengeance. I spent an entire evening crying while praying ~ pouring out heartbreak and despair to God. I knew that He was lovingly listening to every thought and heart cry, but I was not ready to accept that He would allow me to experience this suffering over such a prolonged period of time. After sitting with Him and spending much time resting in His graceful mercy, reading a Psalm aloud over and over with a choking voice and heart, I fell asleep peacefully. Thinking I was coming out of the abyss, I awoke refreshed and ready to embrace a new day ~ only to discover that my heartache was still very much present.
I started my day with my devotional time, I played my favorite worship cd while getting the kids ready for school, and was feeling peaceful when a wave of sadness overtook me again. It was darker than the night prior. I was knocked off my feet. Praise flew out the window of my mind ~ "I" took center stage. My needs, what I deserved, what I didn't deserve, and the unfairness of my condition. I succumbed to the pity party and complaining ~ this time dumping all of my heartache on God; seeking to have Him miraculously transform my feelings into gratitude, joy and peace.
A couple of weeks ago, I "lost" my faith/hope/trust in my ability to walk the path God has me on. Deep inside, I knew that He could walk me through anything He allowed, but I chose to look at my outer circumstances. In my anguish and tribulation I felt desperate for escape and frightened for myself. Once again, "me" was rising with vengeance. I spent an entire evening crying while praying ~ pouring out heartbreak and despair to God. I knew that He was lovingly listening to every thought and heart cry, but I was not ready to accept that He would allow me to experience this suffering over such a prolonged period of time. After sitting with Him and spending much time resting in His graceful mercy, reading a Psalm aloud over and over with a choking voice and heart, I fell asleep peacefully. Thinking I was coming out of the abyss, I awoke refreshed and ready to embrace a new day ~ only to discover that my heartache was still very much present.
I started my day with my devotional time, I played my favorite worship cd while getting the kids ready for school, and was feeling peaceful when a wave of sadness overtook me again. It was darker than the night prior. I was knocked off my feet. Praise flew out the window of my mind ~ "I" took center stage. My needs, what I deserved, what I didn't deserve, and the unfairness of my condition. I succumbed to the pity party and complaining ~ this time dumping all of my heartache on God; seeking to have Him miraculously transform my feelings into gratitude, joy and peace.
It is times like this when I kick myself to pray actively for more faith as well ~ where below all the mental chatter I KNOW God is real and with me and I KNOW this blip on my map will be used to His glory if I will just Submit and Be Still. I just don't want to submit to the experience. There, that's the truth...who in their own mind would want to submit to such pain?
ME, ME, ME...that is all that was on my mind at that moment. "What about Me??!"
Blessedly, our Savior will not leave us in this state of unrest. He so kindly took my hand that day and walked me forward in one of the most tremendously gentle and caring ways. He uplifted me and showed me a glimpse of the incredible love He has for us all. As I sought to join myself with Him and allow Him to help me out of the pit, for a brief moment I experienced "one Spirit;" it was indescribably AWESOME..."The one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17
God then showed me that the power of sin is equal to the power of unbelief. When I am being pushed to despair by our enemy, things will be magnified and problems will be falsely interpreted which makes the burden appear too heavy to bear. But if I am empathizing with others or myself, and holding that burden in my own heart, I am in sin. No form of compassion ~ for self or others ~ is helpful if not translated to God's Spirit support versus our self (get that? Self again...). We are the subject of God's great compassion, but we must not choose to subject ourselves to our own compassion ~ or to hold compassion for others in pain without seeking God to carry that burden. I must choose to walk in complete assurance that God knows all, sees all, and has the matter fully under control.
When I began to ask God to frame things for me, from His point of view, He blessed me by reminding me that the more I suffer, the deeper my opportunity to really experience true fellowship with Christ's heart. It briefly allowed my heart to experience a glimpse of understanding of the INCREDIBLE love that was poured out for us...how He chose to suffer voluntarily in so many horrific and longsuffering ways...so that we, sinners and enemies of God, might be saved and redeemed. It was too moving and deeply convicting for my helpless words to describe here.
So, as I was singing "Jesus, Thank You" with all of my heart, I burst into tears...
"The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end
Lover of my soul
I want to live for You"
(by Pat Sczebel)
Praise God!~ He restored me; bringing me back to the only reality I need focus on. I got the "me" out for the moment and the "He" back in to right relation...I am so incredibly blessed.
ME, ME, ME...that is all that was on my mind at that moment. "What about Me??!"
Blessedly, our Savior will not leave us in this state of unrest. He so kindly took my hand that day and walked me forward in one of the most tremendously gentle and caring ways. He uplifted me and showed me a glimpse of the incredible love He has for us all. As I sought to join myself with Him and allow Him to help me out of the pit, for a brief moment I experienced "one Spirit;" it was indescribably AWESOME..."The one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17
God then showed me that the power of sin is equal to the power of unbelief. When I am being pushed to despair by our enemy, things will be magnified and problems will be falsely interpreted which makes the burden appear too heavy to bear. But if I am empathizing with others or myself, and holding that burden in my own heart, I am in sin. No form of compassion ~ for self or others ~ is helpful if not translated to God's Spirit support versus our self (get that? Self again...). We are the subject of God's great compassion, but we must not choose to subject ourselves to our own compassion ~ or to hold compassion for others in pain without seeking God to carry that burden. I must choose to walk in complete assurance that God knows all, sees all, and has the matter fully under control.
When I began to ask God to frame things for me, from His point of view, He blessed me by reminding me that the more I suffer, the deeper my opportunity to really experience true fellowship with Christ's heart. It briefly allowed my heart to experience a glimpse of understanding of the INCREDIBLE love that was poured out for us...how He chose to suffer voluntarily in so many horrific and longsuffering ways...so that we, sinners and enemies of God, might be saved and redeemed. It was too moving and deeply convicting for my helpless words to describe here.
So, as I was singing "Jesus, Thank You" with all of my heart, I burst into tears...
"The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end
Lover of my soul
I want to live for You"
(by Pat Sczebel)
Praise God!~ He restored me; bringing me back to the only reality I need focus on. I got the "me" out for the moment and the "He" back in to right relation...I am so incredibly blessed.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
But Not Broken...
My title ~ my blogspot account page ~ originally I thought it to be a fluent "Fallen, but not broken" but now I see this phrase in a different light. I picked it for something "easy" to remember for me when I was typing the address, but it is not totally accurate from my heart's perspective when I read it as an "outsider" looking in. I feel prompted to clarify my thoughts for God is way too good to me for me to consider myself fallen, and He is far too wonderful for me not to be broken...I actually want to be broken...I want to be poured out. I want to be everything of God and nothing of me...It is my heart's desire to daily experience a form of unbroken community with our Most Holy One.
My original musings were that I was "not broken" in an unfixable way, though I am born of fallen man...I have been made alive and righteous in Christ...I am a child of the Living God. No longer am I fallen as I have been born anew into an incredible spiritual family with a Head of the House who is greater than any could fathom...Wow!! It fills me with incredible gratitude and joy to even write that truth!
Webster's Dictionary defines Broken 1) split or cracked into pieces; splintered, fractured, burst, etc. 2) not in working condition; out of order 3) not kept or observed; violated 4) disrupted, as by divorce 5) sick, weakened, or beaten...
So, I actually want to be the first definition, and it has been my heart's desire for many years (believe me, God has taken me at my word on this! He has given me oh so many opportunites to be split and cracked and splintered ~ I am nearly burst into pieces...but this is oh so glorious!)
Where I am "but not broken" is in the rest of the definitions. God has given me strength in my weakness, righteousness and order in lieu of my ugliness, union despite my selfishness, and health...He has blessed me beyond measure and daily proven He is there. He is the vine, I am a branch. My sustenance comes from Him ~ my Joy is only real when it is based in Him, and my life is never "out of order, violated, disrupted, sick, weakened or beaten" in any true sense of these words when I keep my eyes on His truth and His promises. ~ Amen? Hallelujah.
May He Reign!
My original musings were that I was "not broken" in an unfixable way, though I am born of fallen man...I have been made alive and righteous in Christ...I am a child of the Living God. No longer am I fallen as I have been born anew into an incredible spiritual family with a Head of the House who is greater than any could fathom...Wow!! It fills me with incredible gratitude and joy to even write that truth!
Webster's Dictionary defines Broken 1) split or cracked into pieces; splintered, fractured, burst, etc. 2) not in working condition; out of order 3) not kept or observed; violated 4) disrupted, as by divorce 5) sick, weakened, or beaten...
So, I actually want to be the first definition, and it has been my heart's desire for many years (believe me, God has taken me at my word on this! He has given me oh so many opportunites to be split and cracked and splintered ~ I am nearly burst into pieces...but this is oh so glorious!)
Where I am "but not broken" is in the rest of the definitions. God has given me strength in my weakness, righteousness and order in lieu of my ugliness, union despite my selfishness, and health...He has blessed me beyond measure and daily proven He is there. He is the vine, I am a branch. My sustenance comes from Him ~ my Joy is only real when it is based in Him, and my life is never "out of order, violated, disrupted, sick, weakened or beaten" in any true sense of these words when I keep my eyes on His truth and His promises. ~ Amen? Hallelujah.
May He Reign!
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