As I have continued to recognize my impurities (see prior post) and seek more deeply to listen to the incredible joys the Lord desires to share with us, I have been coming out of my fogginess. I am still fatigued,but seeking ways to combat that more consistenly (more vitamins, going to bed earlier when possible, getting going more slowly on the mornings I can do so...). In the process, our loving Lord and Daddy has been bringing some great things to my attention...things He began in me long ago that had been shelved for lack of pressing~ness in my life. I have been really enjoying recognizing His hand and His work in me as He has unveiled a few mysteries...

Years ago (likely twelve or thirteen), I was taking a 9 week class that used a 12 circuit labyrinth for meditation and focus ~ the church I belonged to at the time had a labyrinth on their grounds and it was a very peaceful place to wander. Learning to wander along the path, praying "to God" in in the form of questions or musings as the circuitous directions took me away from center more times than toward (e.g. no quick prayer or ability to focus upon the end), then resting in the middle, while standing or kneeling in one of the clover leaves, supplicating myself and trusting Him to respond...eternally grateful that He even cared, let alone specifically for me...then returning on the path while "listening" for inner promptings of His Spirit's response ~ was good discipline for me regarding not just talking to God in prayer, but waiting on Him as well.

One of our weekly lessons focused upon what God's name for us might be. In the Bible, God often renames His people when he imparts His breath ~ His very purpose for creating them ~ more directly their lives - Abram, Sarai, Jacob, Simon, Paul... We were studying this aspect of God and then given the opportunity to explore that with Him in the labyrinth. I was at a difficult time in life related to my marriage and I really wanted to matter to God. I was hoping for something that would illumine me and make me feel good (of course, this was not God's plan, but I thought He might indulge me). God did respond to my prayers that day ~ and He gave me the word "Honor." While I argued with Him about this (it didn't make sense to my limited mind and didn't seem "important" related to my life and the great things I wanted to do for Him). I know that sounds silly to anybody reading this, as it is an amazing word ~ but at that time, given my circumstances, it was not what I wanted to hear.

However, I did take it to heart (somewhat reluctantly) and began exploring the "what" about Honor; how to honor others more fully with His heart, and how I might be dishonoring Him with choices, activities, and thoughts. That experience soon worked its way out of my perceptual lens as life went on and I continued to treat our precious Savior as if he were my co-pilot more often than I thought about Him as Lord.

In my desperate pursuit to understand what He has been working in my life ~ for what purposes and why...as well as what I am missing in my learning (it seems I keep coming to the same darn areas of sin and challenge) and what I can be doing to grow faster and better embrace what He is trying to teach me (ha ha, I am way too intellectual often and just really want to get off this roller coaster at times)...He has recently blessed me beyond measure. My season of wilderness is coming to a close (Hallelujah!!) and I am seeing the fruit He has been forming as I look back over the years of struggle ~

God has shown me that He still wants me to learn "honor" toward everyone in my life. He worked honor through me as a child ~ toward parents, friends, those in authority and those whom others did not consider "worthy" of respect or attention. I had many instances in my younger years where I was the lone person standing up for the spark of goodness in others. I went to bat for the "underdog" so often, and saw the possibilities rather than the failures in the lives of those around me. It was as natural to me as breathing and I really couldn't jump in with the alternatives. I just didn't know then that it was God working through me creating and allowing this vision of my heart. And I didn't understand why others couldn't see things this way.

As I progressed toward independence and into adulthood, I continued to see the good in everyone. I honored where they were, where they had come from, and the divine in their spirit. I trusted that everyone had a purpose and nobody was better than anybody else. I had such a wide variety of friends, many of whom would not be caught in the same location let alone the same room. People were so interesting to me, and there was so much wonder to capture when choosing to see through their eyes for a moment. I loved the many experiences I had and things I discovered during that time. I didn't embrace the realities of all of my friends, by any means, but I enjoyed learning about them.

In the last fourteen years, I have been challenged to honor those who dishonor me by their choices and actions as well as have been challenged to step up and honor those who dishonor themselves either flagrantly or more passively. As I grew in God's strength with this very important talent, He continued to refine me and take me deeper into awareness of His sufferings for His very own who live such dishonoring lives (myself included) as well as His great and incredible love and forgiveness for them. He has given me new opportunities in the last few years to learn how to honor, with His love, those who actively seek to hurt and dishonor me. He has shown me how He was preparing me for a "time such as this." I am still ill-equipped and highly imperfect, but He is showing me a deeper place of intimacy with His heart for us...a place that loves us completely despite our imperfections, hatreds, evil thoughts and disputes with His purity and holiness. He is working with me in learning how to reflect this to everyone in our world. What an incredible privilege ~ to share the heart of God ~ isn't that what we are all called to do? Thanks be to God, our Father and Lord...Glory to Him on high.

Going Deeper

I have been in a bog (kind of like "blah" and "fog" combined) over the past several months and struggling in my relationship with God ~ I experienced a feeling almost like a big wet blanket has been laying on me, keeping me somewhat inert, and I had not been able to find the source to remove it...I had many times where I felt connected and in sync, but just as many more where I felt almost beaten down...I think the over-arching experience I have been having is one of pure and deep bone weariness, and when I am tired, I tend to not spend as much time in prayer or Bible reading...I tend to be more of a drifter from idea to idea, option to option, book to book. I pray ~ but not as consistently nor as deeply. I read, but not as long, nor as focused. Boy, does that mess with hearing clearly and knowing God's will...I also experienced my first year since 1999 where I was not involved in a formal bible study ~ I really missed it, but wasn't able to work one into my schedule as I embraced home schooling and other kids' activities and needs. That probably had something to do with my sense of detachment ~

However, lately I have been getting glimmers of that sweet fellowship again. Boy have I missed it deeply. I want to sit and drink it in, alternating with begging for more and praying not to lose it again. Last night God took me to two different dates in "My Utmost for His Highest" to read. I think it showed me a bigger work that has been in effect in my life ~ it was really cool. I wanted to share that here ~ I figured if I typed it, I would recall it even better and be able to look back and read it in another six months as well :-)

The first was:

July 26 The Account with Purity

"Out of the heart proceed..." Matthew 15:19

We begin by trusting our ignorance and calling it innocence, by trusting our innocence and calling it purity; and when we hear these rugged statements of Our Lord's, we shrink and say - But I never felt any of those awful things in my heart. We resent what Jesus Christ reveals. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme Authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust His penetration, or do I prefer to trust my innocent ignorance? If I make conscious innocence the test, I am likely to come to a place where I find with a shuddering awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I shall be appalled at the possibility of evil and wrong in me. As long as I remain under the refuge of innocence I am living in a fool's paradise. If I have never been a blackguard, the reason is a mixture of cowardice adn the protection of a civilized life; but when I am underessed before God, I find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis.

The only thing that safeguards is the Redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will hand myself over to Him, I need never experience the terrible possibilities that are in my heart. Purity is too deep down for me to get to naturally: but when the Holy Spirit comes in, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was manifested in the life of Jesus Christ, viz., Holy Spirit, which is unsullied purity.

Right after, He led me to June 3:

The Secret of the Lord

"The secret (friendship, RV) of the Lord is with them that fear Him" Psalm 25:14

What is the sign of a friend? That he tells you secret sorrows? No, that he tells you secret joys. Many will confide to you their secret sorrows, but the last mark of intimacy is to confide secret joys. Have we ever let God tell usany of His joys, or are we telling God our secrets so continually that we leave no room for Him to talk to us? At the beginning of our Christian life we are full of requests to God, then we find that God wants to get us into relationship with Himself, to get us in touch with His purposes. Are we so wedded to Jesus Christ's idea of prayer-"Thy will be done" - that we catch the secrets of God? The things that make God dear to us are not so much His great big blessings as the tiny things, because they show His amazing intimacy with us; He knows every detail of our individual lives.

"...Him shall He teach in the way the He shall choose." At first we want the consciousness of being guided by God; then as we go on we live so much in the consciousness of God that we do not need to ask what His will is, be3cause the thought of choosing any other will never occur to us. If we are saved and sanctified God guides us by our ordinary choices, and if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check, and we must heed. Whenever the is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say "I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying- "Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"

God is reminding me that He is working all things for good in My life ~ He is with me, He is guiding me, and I don't need to keep worrying about every little step I take or move I make (I was beginning to be bogged down by fear that I was not walking in His will, or would miss His prompts by stepping forward, but it has been all that my heart has cried out for for so long that I realize I shouldn't fear this as I am not giving Him enough credit in communication :-)) He first had to break me free from my ignorance of innocence to place me firmly on His path, and not my own. Praise Him that He loves us so ~