Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Too cute ~ I picked up my daughter from preschool today and her teacher wanted to tell me the latest enjoyment she had recieved (apparently my youngest has some entertaining sharing pretty often). Apparently when one of the kids at school said "God is King," Rose said "My mom says that my dad is King."

The teacher told me that she then explained that dad was king in the home, but God was King of everyone. I thought she responded quite well, and thanked her for this. I'll have to share wtih daddy when he gets home. :-)

Ten Things

Kim challenged me to write ten random things ~ since I am already up late doing very random things, I thought I would indulge...

1. I just completed an online application for financial aid for a private institution where I work, to allow my daughter to attend pre-school there next year while I "attend" with her, working nearly full time ~ after being sure I would be a stay at home mom soon...all in God's timing, I suppose.

2. My fourth grader just came home with three A's on her report card. I am so proud of her ~ she has never pulled this type of report card. She is also pretty proud. It is a testament to how hard we have been working for several years to get various things under control (focus/ADHD/learning problems). She is even grinning as she sleeps. Go girl!

3. I don't lie, either ~ it is extremely difficult for me to do (Kim never lies) ~ however, I have stretched truth at times, so I can't say "never." Sometimes I wish I could lie, other times I yearn to not even have propensity to stretch truth...

4. I was born in Norway. My mom was at her folks while my dad was on TDY in Vietnam. I got my first passport at 6 weeks old. I still have it.

5. I am very close to my family. I have a brother and sister-in-law fairly local, a sister and brother-in-law in Chicago, a dad and stepmother (mom has died) in Iowa, and an Aunt whom I am close to in Colorado, several cousins in Norway and an aunt, uncle, godfather, and great aunt in Norway. My grandparents and other great Aunts have all died (though two great Aunts lived to 101 and 98 so we have some good genes on my dad's side). My stateside family tries to see each other when possible. We traditionally spend a week each summer and a week each Thanksgiving all together (siblings, dad's family, and kids). My Colorado Aunt joins us sometimes.

6. I have two half-sisters who are 6 years old. My youngest sister is 37. That is 31 years between my dad's kids.

7. We got a Wii for Christmas from my brother. I never thought I would own a Wii. My kids are thrilled, because they never thought so either. :-) I even blogged about Wii this past summer while visiting my sister. My sister-in-law decided to give it to the kids as a family gift this year after she saw how much fun we had playing in a family "tournament" while at the beach one evening last summer (my dad and I against my brother and nephew started it) :-)

8. I just ordered Comcast cable internet...I am excited about it. We have been avoiding it to save money and using dial up for years. Dial up comes due for annual renewal next month, and we found a great "introductory rate for six months" before the full fees kick in. When the full fees kick in, since I will be working so much more (okay, I am being whiny) we will be fine to budget it in. This is a blessing since I do a lot of research for nutrition and health, among other things, online.

9. I love my house. My children sometimes ask me when we are going to move into a "bigger house," and I always tell them that our house is perfect, and if they moved they wouldn't enjoy it because it is all in their minds what they are missing. I find cozy to be nice. I love larger houses. Everyone else in my family owns one (actually, quite larger), but I really have grown to find peace and joy in ours. A rambler suits me just fine. Besides, we have great neighbors and an awesome view out back.

10. I love photography. I am an amateur (very) photographer. God has given me a sense of frame for photos. It is truly a blessing. I have been taking pictures since I was a kid. My mother-in-law keeps trying to get me to submit photos to contests. I just do it for fun. I don't even know how to work a fancy camera or adjust lenses/distances, etc. I play with things till they look right but have no clue. I would love to take a class one day. I probably will when the kids are grown more.

Okay, that is ten. Wow, that was easy (I thought about the big read button they sell at Staples as I wrote that). My mind does wander. :-) Blessings on your day.

Joy!

So, we had this nice long purging...God and I ~ I think it ended up being nine or ten pages in my journal, mostly me talking this time, with Spirit gently prodding . What an incredible blessing. Until I could put to words my thoughts, I couldn't organize or make sense of my blockage...My posting helped me shift into another perspective. I knew there was a reason to write about this past challenge. Usually I avoid writing things like that, but this time I was compelled to sift through it all ~ writing it allowed me to do that objectively, over and over, until it made sense. God is so kind and tenderhearted toward us. Bless Him.

He was leading me forward toward thanksgiving...the missing link. It wasn't forgiveness I was in error on (though the idol of self was surely available), it was a lack of willingness to give thanks in all circumstances. We are commanded to give thanks ~ and God reminded me that I was getting too short sighted. He turned over to my mind my self-preservation, my self-righteousness, my irritability, and my loss of focus on what was really important. He reminded me that my path is not supposed to look like anybody else's, and if I wanted to have it like others, I'm not actually serving Him but serving myself. Ummm...yeah. He is always so clear. Praise Him.

So, as I was pouring out in repentance, humbled and expressing my willing desire to be in service to Him alone, seeking God to purge all that was not facing Him, or about Him, and redeem it in my life, reaffirming my heart's true position, joy returned ~ Hallelujah. We are amazingly blessed to have a God who loves us so, and patiently teaches us to seek Him alone for answers and Truth. Thank you, Jesus...

And I am reminded of the song that always brings me to tears when we sing it at our weekly home fellowship group Jesus Thank You ~ the words that never fail to draw me to this place of deep gratitude are..."Once your enemy, now seated at your table, Jesus, Thank You" ~ Bless you, Lord. Amen.

The Wall

I hit a wall this past weekend. I can't even put it to words. It was an abrupt, screeching halt to continuing on in life as it has been. I could not muster the desire, nor strength, to move forward ~ I was completely exhausted. Not spiritually exhausted, Praise Him...but mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. Nothing left to pour out. Desperate for refueling. Desperate for change.

I know how this happened, I have been under every form of stress imaginable for several years. With my pollyanna heart challenges (I tend to live in denial of truth about hurt, ugliness, and evil ~ preferring to see the good in everyone and all things), I had gone over the top of taking things on and letting them roll. God has been so good to me, teaching me so much and carrying me through many events as well as filling my heart and mind with renewal over and over again, but sometimes the speed of depletion overtakes the ability to sit with Him and refill (though I sit with Him every day, refilling has often been just enough for the next hour/day/week)...

It was, and has been, an empty place. I have not lost my contentment in God, nor my peace (if I fall away from it for a moment, I can easily find it again) ~ but my joy and simple faith have been deeply challenged, and my body's ability to withstand pressure has been severely strained. I went to sleep Sunday night in my socks, jeans, turtleck and cardigan ~ almost too tired to get up and shut off the bathroom light before tucking in ~ and I slept all night. It was deep and nearly comatose. It spoke to my level of fatigue; not once did I experience any discomfort from, or even awareness of, my clothes. I didn't want to get out of bed Monday. I wanted to stay right where I was for another day...but, my older girls had dentist appt.s and my youngest had a birthday. It turned in to a fun day ~ I got away with minimal effort with lots of happy moments for the family. God has provided me this often lately as well (minimal effort, with great impact). Less is more in many ways, especially for keeping me healthy.

For those who have also suffered the pain of unrequited abuse, betrayal, deception, bullying, loss, rejection, hatred, contempt, and slander, I can affirm to you that God is still good. He LOVES us fully and completely ~ no matter what it appears or feels like, He is in control. He has the master plan. He will bring all things to victory in Christ. AMEN! However, I can also say that, unless we turn to Him daily, seeking His face and His heart toward us and those who are hurting us, we can easily fall into traps of deception and even become, at times, like those persons being used against us. It has been an incredibly difficult learning curve for me ~ discovering things in myself that never became evident during past challenges.

Again, I believe God protected me during childhood to provide the foundation that would be necessary for me to grow through some incredibly horrible things in adulthood. Each classroom has been more fiery as the heat has been turned up in many ways to purify my inner being. Despite the immense pain, I have been blessed with some incredibly deep and tender moments of connection and communion with God. I have grown in my faith journey by leaps and bounds as I have persisted to trust Him and seek Him. I had been studying and reading the bible weekly, but did not have the depth of illumination God desires for us. It was an intellectual understanding of the Word, though a heartfelt faith in Jesus. Over the past few years, I have searched the corners of God's letter to me ~ seeking assurances, promises, and truths to hold me intact when I thought I couldn't bear it any more. I have become "sold out" for Christ as I have learned over and over again that He is the only One whom I can trust will never be used against me. He is the only One who will always be there with waiting arms to provide rest, stability, and loving assurance. It is an amazing lesson.

I wouldn't wish my journey upon anybody. I would be quick to state that I haven't always walked with faith that was needed to succeed through trials; I have often cried out to God for deliverance from the evil. My attacks have come from those whom I have trusted deeply, from those whom I have loved completely, and from those who have known me very little...I have been allowed to experience so many facets of evil. A couple of times I have sat on the edge of my bathtub, depleted and despairing, asking God to take me home if He was going to continue to allow the persecution. He never did, :0) but always did He respond in love. Once when I asked Him "why" about some really awful experiences I was going through, He told me "you were willing." Oh, to be so bold before we know ourselves. Much like Peter, I had a gift of faith that was real, but not yet tested and refined. God has allowed the testing to bring me to a much more mature faith in His truth.

I still don't like the hurt. I still struggle with much of what I have been allowed to experience, longing for someone to "know" and understand the "unfairness" of it all. However, God is so good to me. He reminds me that it really doesn't matter except in the "feeling" and self-pity part of my heart. One of the things He has been working with me on for years is to let go of my desire to be liked by those I am close to. That, too, must be erased if I am to truly serve God with all I have and all I am. I am willing to let go of self-pity and a desire to be known, but it is so hard to stay relinquished all the time. We were designed for relationship, and somehow this feels like it goes against all my heart rightfully desires...but the relationship that we were truly designed for is our relationship with Him. I know He loves me, and I know He knows my heart ~ I pray that He will give me the strength and ability to fully submit in this area. He is so able, and so pleased to answer such a humble request. I must always remember; of myself, I can do nothing that is godly and pure. It is not expected of me apart from Him.

I must also remember that I am physically human, and my body can become burnt out, even when seeking God each day. I must do better with rest and find more balance. I have dissolved many commitments, but the emotional challenges of recent months have evidently not yet been healed. I think that I must not have given it all to Him as I had believed I had done. I sense I am fearful to give total forgiveness, desiring not to be set up for hurt again and again...but I must forgive, as I have been forgiven. I am seeking God for conviction and guidance. He is my hope, in Him I have not shame nor sorrow. I have learned yet another lesson ~ sometimes when we truly believe that we have given it all to Him, we may have missed some pieces which continue to leak His Spirit out, rather than shine from within. Praise God for His faithful walk with us, growing us in Him as we allow and desire. He is so good, so incredibly tender ~ Bless Him, Almighty God. Amen.

An aside; I just reread the above. I found that I used the word "must" quite a bit. I looked it up in the dictionary to see if I was using it incorrectly, sounding as if I was condeming myself inadvertantly. One of the definitions I found is "new wine, fresh"...Amazing!
He will pour new wine into new wineskins ~ Glory to God on High!

On Death...

Our pastor's mother died recently, having been unexpectedly diagnosed with stage IV cancer this fall. God was gracious to her, taking her to His kingdom before she had to endure the agonizing aspects of the cancer battle, but it was still, from many a human perspective, untimely and unexpected. She was a true warrior for Christ, from what our Pastor shared in his blog . Doesn't it feel "wrong" with most who dies this way, save the death of one who has been languishing in a Nursing Home for years. When I worked in the nursing home, death seemed a blessing for many of the residents. Somehow it seems "right" to die at the end of our lives, but "wrong" when we are still in our younger years (which, in and of itself, is open to familial interpretation ~ my family lives to late nineties and 100's, my former husband's family felt "old" at 70).

In the past few months I have been witness to grief of several friends and acquaintances ~ it would seem that at my middle age status, this is the cycle we are entering. Rather than births, we are seeing deaths of parents and grandparents. Each death has been uniquely reflective of the sanctity of life, as well as the brevity. We are humans living in mortal bodies ~ only our Spirits are eternal.

It has been said that death is no respector of persons. All the circle of influence of the deceased are affected. Even if just a portion of their heart is affected, which only God can see, they are changed by the finality of passing. We cannot speak to our loved ones again. No more can we find them where we expect to see them. No more can we pick up the phone or write and expect an answer from any but our Maker. We are all on the same page. Void of one special to us in some way. I remember when my mother died quite unexpectedly 11 or so years ago ~ it was a time of many emotions and feelings. My father, being fairly young, remarried within the year. A year later, my best friend's mother died; my "second mom." Her father, in similar status, too remarried fairly quickly.

However, my mom's best friend lost her husband when they were in their forties. She never felt she could replace him., nor wanted to. She continued to live a beautiful life, raising competent and loving daugthers, managing a home business, and spreading love wherever she went. She found her purpose outside of the intimacy of marriage. Perhaps she was intimate with our Savior ~ I believe so but didn't see her much after my mom's funeral. She passed on the week my best friends' mother died ~ a blessing for her to finally return to her husband ~ but, because she was still young (middle aged) she left behind two daughters, who, though in their twenties, felt a great void in their lives. That same week, my grandmother died as well. Three funerals in three different locations in the U.S. I made it to the two closest to me family ones, my sister attended for "us" the third. I had several opportunities to smile that week, though. It was Valentine's week, and I thought this was appropriate that God would call His sweethearts home...

I have found my grief often mixed with frustrated anger when death comes to the young versus adult. I used to think how unfair it was that this child did not have the opportunity to grow and experience all that life can offer. I experience deep compassion for the parents who face such a difficult loss. Some never recover ~ others recover by the grace of God alone. Even Christians can lose their joy, and their faith, over something as devastating as loss of a child. If they continue to pour out to God, pressing in with all their hearts and raw emotions, I have seem amazing things over time ~ but it takes a willful desire to let go. That can be so hard.

One summer, as I left the third funeral for a child under two in a six month period of time, I was experiencing a variety of emotions. The funeral was amazing; very vocal and worshipful, adoring God. I was humbled and blessed having been a part, touched by the celebration and reverence. I was also angry for this young mother' s loss, and fatigued from the emotional drain that connection in times of grief can bring. I made the decision that I could not keep participating in life and death so close, so frequently. I decided to change jobs and begin working with children over three who were more physically stable in their various bodily challenges. I believed that would relieve me of the frequency of tragedy and emotional pulls. In many ways it did ~ though my heart for families and kids did not change.

God has allowed me to experience so many forms of grief as an adult. He spared me from so much as a child. He gave me a cocoon of safety and security in my family ~ to build absolute trust in Him, I suppose, before opening my mind and eyes to the difficulties of life. I recall one fall in my early thirties; first a dear friend, 36, died of a massive heart attack in his best friend's arms. He had just been sitting on the back of his pick up truck after finishing a a soccer game. He left behind four children who were no older than 12. We all thought he was fit as a fiddle. Apparently God knew otherwise. A few weeks later, another soccer friend of ours (who coached as well as played) died in his sleep at the tender age of 42, leaving behind two young sons and several cousins whom he mentored to become more than his culture had encouraged when they were young. Following these two eerie experiences (you really feel your mortality when friends are dying in succession), the colleague of a young gal I was mentoring in my profession, died in front of her at work ~ early forties, heart attack as well. This string of deaths occured just prior to my grandmother, best friend's mom, and mom's best friend dying that February. My lesson that year was on trusting God in unexpected death. I never forgot it.

I guess what He has shown me is that we must always be ready. We must always "know" what our future holds in death. We must know Him first and foremost as our time is limited on earth and He is the only one who holds the keys. We should strive to keep a short list so that, should we pass, there is no unfinished business. I have seen so much heartache in families who didn't have things resolved, didn't have assurance of our Lord, or didn't have a sense of worth separate from the loved one they lost. I have seen healthy grief, and wonderful tributes, celebrations, and memories in the families who knew their loved one was with the Lord, and had no unfinished issues to reconcile. Grief is real for all of us, but how it plays out is between us and God.

Blessed be our God and King ~ He is the author and perfector of our faith. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. If He takes a child, He spares that child the strife that life on earth begets ~ blessed be His name. If He takes me soon, I pray that my house is in order, that my children know how much I love Him, and that they know He is the only way. If He gives me many more years, I pray that they are filled with my service to Him, in His plan and His way, that the fruit might be longstanding whether I am here or not. I pray that no matter what may come, My heart and my actions will bring blessing to our Lord. Praise Be to God Most High. Hallelujah. Amen.

Do Christians Scorn God?

Turning over and over in my mind today; Even if we love God desperately, with all that we understand, do we inadvertantly scorn Him? (Is this one of the themes in Job?)...

I was given a word for someone a couple of weeks ago. I know this person to be very passionate about our Lord and, while most of what I was receiving was not provocative, at one point I heard "you scorn my love..." Even while writing it in my journal, I was asking myself if it was correct. I didn't have time to stop and revisit the word, as words were coming quickly (as fast as I could write) and my kids were stirring more loudly. I could have easily been off on this as I am human, not nearly close to perfect, but it was what I heard at that moment.

I am very concerned about misleading people, as I don't want to misspeak for God, so when I gave the word to this person, I asked that it be read in the Spirit as well, and interpreted based upon their Spirit's resonance with God's. However, it has been playing back in my mind, along with some other teaching that God has been thumping me on the head with, so I decided to pursue the learning opportunity.

Since I can't recollect seeing "scorn" in the Bible, I started in Webster's New World Dictionary of American English. The word scorn, in the verb tense, means "to refuse or reject as wrong or disgraceful." I went to disgraceful, and saw "1)The state of being in disfavor because of bad conduct. 2) loss of favor or respect; public dishonor; ignominy(loss of reputation); disrepute; shame. 3) a person or thing that brings shame, dishonor, or reproach."

I then went to Vine's Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words. Under SCORN it said "For SCORN see LAUGH." I looked up LAUGH. It said "LAUGH TO SCORN; Katagelao "denotes to laugh scornfully at, and signifies derisive laughter, Matthew 9:24, Mark 5:40 and Luke 8:53" (when Jesus entered the synagogue ruler, Jarius's house and told the crowd to go away as "the girl is not dead, but asleep" and the crowd laughed at Him).

There was also another word used for derisive laughter in the Bible, which I can't figure out how to type here properly without html, but roughly is ekmukterizo which is not mentioned in the New Testament, but means "The laughter of incredulity, as in Genesis 17:17 and 18:12" (when Abraham and Sarai both laughed at the idea that they would bear a son in their old age).

If the father of our faith and his wife could scorn God...surely we, too, are suspect. Do I believe myself and my limited vision over what God has promised at times...yes, I must say that I do. This means that I, subconsciously, reject the authority of His word. I scorn Him here... Do I find myself thinking that what I have sensed God telling me couldn't possibly come to pass, or I must have mis-heard Him because of all the factors that need to be worked out, that don't seem to be being worked out?? Unfortunately I do this more often than I would like to admit in one particular area of my life. No matter what assurances God has given me at one time or another (e.g. not recently, necessarily ~ but goodness, Abraham waited many years for God's plan to come to fruition, even trying to work it out himself, questioning his understanding and looking with human eyes at Sarah's ability to bear children. Perhaps even thinking Sarah's body problems were preventing the promise from being fulfilled), I can be "sure" (in my senses) that I "know" it isn't possible. How utterly contemptable of me!

I also realize that, as with Webster's definition, I often view myself as wrong in God's eyes. I know in my heart when I am disrespecting Him by my behavior, and feel that I am a terrible witness and shame Him. Rather than trusting His word (no condemnation), I presume a loss of favor with Him. Even when I am repentant, I will still don't fully recieve His forgiveness, finding myself "not measuring up" to His expectations. It is so hard for us to receive! How wrong of me to be so limited in mind and heart! The truth is so clear in His word! He LOVES US with passion and purity, and knows we will fall. If we keep in mind His truth that we can do nothing apart from Him, and all that is good in us is His anyway, we will realize the issue is one of separation before performance and has nothing to do with failing. God knows I am hopeless without Him. I just need to accept that truth into the depth of my bones.

Oh, Lord Jesus, Forgive my wayward heart. Forgive my scorn of your truths. I see in so many ways how I doubt what you have planted in my heart as I see circumstances, or people, or time as something that could prevent You from fulfilling what You have shown me to be Your plan. Let me always remember that YOU ALONE are sovereign, YOU ALONE are holy, YOU ALONE ARE GOD ~ and I can do all things through You; nothing apart from You. Lord, Thank You that You love us, so. Thank You, that you desire only the best for Your children. Thank You that nothing can thwart Your plans. Oh, let me honor You with my mind and heart. Let me not scorn You with my thinking. Renew my mind and transform my heart that I might be a living testament to Your love and power. Bless You, Oh Lord, You are Almighty, Ominipotent, Most Holy GOD.

Wanted to share ~

I recieved this email today, and found it particularly touching. I think I am tender these days toward many things, but still was blessed by the Spirit of love and good that still dwells in our world.

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service. Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died
yesterday and is with you in Heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog, even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to
play with balls and to swim. I am sending you a picture of her so that when you see her, you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, "To Meredith," in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,



Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me, just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter, and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day, and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am easy to find, I am wherever there is love.


Love,
God

Be Still My Anxious Thoughts...

I am currently in one of those "zones" ~ feeling disjointed from most things in my life, not sure what my role is, what my purpose is, what value I possess in my daily routine for God...what I am supposed to be doing for and with my children, what I am supposed to be doing for the next school year (I have to make decisions in the next couple of weeks)...it is a sad time, though not scary as it may have been years ago ~ just strangely empty. He is dissolving ties to all things but Himself.

I know God is preparing a new thing ~ I wish I had a handle on which direction I should face (yes, I am facing Him, but He is not sharing right now re: His plan). I continue to amble along in my daily routine, seeking the Lord's joy in each moment. Seeking to rest in Him and hold thought and speech until it is necessary (I do this better at home, when I get around people I find that I talk more; I am feeling pretty lonely/disconnected from other women in this season).

I am finding more and more passion for reading my Bible. I am finding more more time devoted in prayer. These are wonderful changes that God has wrought which I have been praying for for some time, but am still experiencing anxiety and shifting heart thoughts. I know this is a growth process; God creating in me availability for Himself to fill those spaces I used to fill with other things, but it is not comfortable. I pray He moves quickly, but then again, I know that when He has transformed my moments, I will scarcely remember how "long" it took. He is so gracious to us.

My greatest stumbling block right now has to do with my children. For years I have wanted to be a stay at home mom. God has been moving me closer and closer to that ideal in the recent years; shifting me from 25 hours per week to 18 to 9 this year. It has been my heart's desire since I was a child. My mom stayed home and it blessed me so. Though I am working only during the hours my kids are in school (and I am so grateful for this), I find that it pulls me in so many directions. With the schedule demands I am more tapped out than I prefer, and cannot be the home mom I experience desire to be, nor the worker I could fully be...a bit of me for everywhere. This year has been best at home, though most confusing at work, with the changes. I have enjoyed voluteering at my kids' schools, and bible study time with other ladies ~ as well as keeping our home a bit better and beginning to bake and experiment more in the kitchen.

Christmas break was such a joy that this is hitting me more strongly now. I did not want to go back to work after the holidays; it felt like a foreign imposition. It was like pouring ice water on my routine and comforts. I have been giving that back to God to find His purpose in my work, as He called me to it this year ~ but I am even feeling an outsider at my job as well. Because of the limited time there, I am not connected nor fully engaged in what is happening and what is needed. It is a bit confusing, though I have found some ways that work.

The biggest challenge I face right now is planning for next fall. My almost four year old will be in her last year of preschool. We have the option of keeping her where she is, adding Fridays to her routine. This would continue to allow me a day at home by myself for devotional time, errands, and housework. Her preschool runs 9-2 and I work roughly 9:15 - 1:45. I take her to school shortly after my older kids get on their bus, and then try to leave work in time to get her (often I am late picking up, even if I leave right on time; it is about 1o miles). If she attended there next year, I could still be income providing, working three or four days per week, but would have at least one day at home available for volunteering with the other girls, house stuff, etc. The only problem with this option is that we are not certain it is the best spiritual environment for her, and the programs locally which we like only run 9-12 which does not allow me to work (not that I mind that, but economically this would be a stretch; right now half of what I earn pays for preschool).

Our second option, which my husband prefers, is to have her attend preschool at the private school where I work. While the curriculum and environment are good, the cost is very high. If I were to work Monday through Friday, within the hours of their preschool program (8:45-1:15), I could be qualified as "full time" and then she would get a 75% tuition break. We would then be paying roughly what we are paying now for her school. The only major challenge would be on my emotional and physical stress in increasing my work hours so dramatically. God can fill me where I am challenged, I know...I just don't really want to be on this type of demanding schedule. It is very selfish of me, and I am working on letting my desires go.

The looming issue that colors these decisions is my oldest daughter's need for more support and structure. She currently struggles with many things. Next fall she has to change elementary schools due to rezoning, then middle school begins in the fall 2009. I am strongly inclined to home school her through these years of insecurity and incredible challenge in order to respond to her needs, let God build her back up and help her stabilize. Her dad (my former husband), though not for home schooling, has not refused the idea when I have mentioned it to him. This, in and of itself, is amazing. But, I don't know if this is God's plan.

I guess I really just want to be home full time, and this is where I am stumbling. I am double minded, which God calls us not to be. I feel obligated to my work, and do know how helpful the talents and wisdom God has given me are in this environment. I serve and support many children and families. I do enjoy my job when I am actively working in it...but I enjoy my family so much as well. I have sought His face, but hear little about next year (which isn't surprising, as He tends to give me today or perhaps next week at the most when I ask).

This anxiety began when my boss called me last Tuesday evening to ask if my youngest could be tested at school on Wednesday for the preschool entry. I had been praying for God's direction. I had discussed the possibility with my boss (she has been trying to get me to come full time, full hours, and bring all three kids for awhile), but hadn't been pushing the issue. Now the decision time is near. I am wondering if this is God working, or if it is not. Discernment eludes me.

While I have full faith in our awesome Creator, and trust Him to fix anything I might choose to do out of His will (as He promises in Romans 8:28) I am too close to this issue to hear well (or perhaps too wishful for what I want to listen). I have asked my husband to bear the burden of decision. I have let him know how that I have not been able to discern anything because of my emotionality and would prefer if he would just tell me what he believes God is calling us to do. This has taken the burden off of my mind, but not my heart. I pray for God's peace in my heart. I still struggle at times about this, confused as to what desires God placed in my heart, and what desires I came up with on my own. I know He desires us to be mothers and help mates first, but each of us are on a differing journey tailored to share His light and glory with others. His plan may be for me to work. I am okay with this if I can just find the peace of knowing it is Him...I will absolutely fully embrace whatever is decided, but in the time of preparing and seeking guidance. I so desperately don't want to miss hearing His call.

If you have the mind to pray for me, please pray that my mind and heart be available to His will in this situation, and for clarity, truth, and peace to resound. I want to be a servant to my Lord alone, and not to the wills of my heart. Thank you, may He bless you abundantly ~

The Nativity Story

I was blessed to finally watch "The Nativity Story" on New Year's Day. I had purchased it before Christmas, with visions of snuggling in with all five kids and my husband to view it Christmas Eve. Since we opted to attend a Church service that evening, I had it on anticipatory hold. Next year I hope we can all watch it together for Christmas...it is worthwhile.

What an incredibly touching visual commentary. To know the story of Christ's descent into humanity through Mary, as recorded in Luke's gospel primarily, is good head knowledge. To see the characters in light of ourselves, and bear witness to their possible struggles, fears, emotions and thoughts... it was deeply moving.

While I don't know that the writer's words and emotional typecasts were fully accurate, they certainly could not have been too far from real. In the birthing scene, after Joseph had searched frantically for a room, there lay Mary in agonizing pain amidst hard rocks, animals and darkness...the cry of life and light entered ~ my whole being was touched by the simplicity, yet sacredness of it all. What humility and grace ~ knowing that God did this for me. Knowing that Mary bore this for me (her words in the movie to Joseph after Jesuse was born went something like "how do you think we will know when it is time? Will it be a word, a certain look in His eyes..."). I have often pondered what may have been her heart's thoughts and cries, this movie gave light to many angles I had never considered. Joseph's comment "I don't know if there will be anything I can teach Him"...speaks to the wonder and helplessness of us all in light of God's magnificence and holiness.

When the movie ended, I was deeply humbled. I went into my bedroom, fell onto my knees, and wept profusely. There I remained for many minutes continuing to cry while pouring out prayers of supplication, gratitude, and adoration for all that our Lord is and all that He has done for me ~ Oh, that I could only be blessed to be called His servant ~ may I be all that He intends...

If You Are Not For Me...

You are against me...

This has been resonating in my mind and heart so much lately. Not so much about myself, though I do see parallels in my own life that suggest this may be true in many arenas...but in God's domain it absolutely carries weight.

I have been taken on an ever deepening journey these past few weeks. I have been led to read many books by prophets, visionaries and intellectuals (books of the Bible as well as Christian books interlaced with much scripture). I am finding more and more that there really is only One Truth. On top of that, I am clearly seeing God's justice and mercy as the two edged sword of His Word. As I am coming to a clearer undestanding of His truths, I am sensing how easily we can grieve His Spirit; we are in constant rebellion - especially in the little things. I find myself seeking God all day long, much more naturally and without cognizant planning, but as I draw nearer, I am finding more clearly how quickly some of my choices can take me away from hearing, or even desiring to listen and obey. Even simple choices, like when to stop eating the sweets and treats that have surrounded me during the holidays. I am a sucker for junk food, and tend to be quite disciplined by the grace of God alone. When I start eating sweets, I lose that discipline so quickly; once I begin to feed my fleshly appetites, they rear up with boldness.

God has been speaking to me about His Majesty ~ His Almighty, Everlasting, Beyond our Imagining, POWER, GRACE, LOVE, MERCY. I have become saddened by how we so often fail to give Him the reverence He desires and deserves. We so quickly limit who God is and box Him in to fit our own vision or understanding. HE is so much more than we can grasp! We are often complacent, even as faithful Christians, in our faith journey...picking and choosing what we will listen to from His Word rather than seeking His Word for all things in our lives. Before I sound legalistic, I want to say that I do understand that we are called to listen and follow God's plan for our inner transformation as He has the timing and purpose of each step; this is not what I am speaking about. I learned my lesson long ago that He needed to convict me of changes He was seeking in my life, that I might repent and He might transform. At that time I was driving myself crazy trying to be what I understood He wanted (from His Word) rather than resting in Him. However, there are many things that we could do to stay on path with God, "continuing to work out our salvation with fear and trembling."

The main thing God has shown me is that we must learn what it means to really REVERE HIM. He alone is Holy and He alone is Worthy. We often take for granted that He has given us His Holy Spirit, to dwell within us under the New Covenant in Christ (rather than His dwelling in the Tabernacle or Temple). Our bodies are now each His temple...but are we actually preparing a place where Holiness can reside? In the Old Testament, God's glory never descended until the locations He chose were ordered by His design, and prepared Holy to His specification - down to the last detail. I have to ask myself, am I choosing to live a holy and obedient life in my mind and heart? Do I make sure to consecrate my temple so that the Holy Spirit can dwell within? What fellowship has darkness with light? And holiness with that which is unholy? The Israelites feared speaking to God face to face for the understanding that they would die due to their unholiness. Are we missing the power of the Lord in our lives in this day because we have made common what is holy ~ reverence and worship for our Creator and King? How often do we recall that not only is Jesus our Savior, but also our LORD? How set apart are we?

Each choice I make will either draw me closer to God, or closer to the world. We are called to be in the world, but not of it. How often I become of the world while walking within it. How often I excuse simple sins and assume that it is okay because I am forgiven by Christ and I truly Love the Lord. Is this right?? I just bought a book about this very issue, I can't recall the title but it has something to do with "acceptable sins." But is any sin acceptable in light of God's holiness?

I have been learning to ask myself, do I love Christ as Logos ~ an intellectual pursuit and understanding of His Word, or do I love Him because of Rhema ~ a heart rendered divinely revealed understanding of who He is...the great I AM. I believe we need to love Him as both, but I also equally believe that we cannot truly say that we love Him without having experienced divine revelation of Him in our hearts. And, if we don't have divine revelation in our hearts, is He really our Lord and Savior?

This comes to me as this vision; Have we come to stand at the foot of the cross, where the blood Christ shed for us has dripped down upon us, covering us as it had been sprinkled on the mercy seat each year in the Holy, Holy, Holy? Have we seen the agony and love in His precious face and understood how broken and fallen we are in this world, ever grateful and thankful for His incredible gift of love and mercy ~ despite our darkness...or, do we continue to stand at a distance and watch Him upon that cross, understanding the sacrifice but not being close enough to have our hearts pierced by the truth and depth of what has been given...unable to fall upon our faces for lack of understanding...

When I was a younger Christian, a lady told me that people were either for God or for Satan. She said it was black and white. I argued with her about this ~ it really angered and offended me at that time. As I have come to understand the spiritual battle that rages, and the search God has on earth for men he can use who will be completely for Him, I understand that the words she spoke were truth. Am I for God, or am I for myself? It is a tough question. Intellectually and in my heart I am absolutely, unequivocably, FOR God with all that I am. I pray this in earnest daily. However, as I continue my journey of refinement and renewal, I realize how far I am from living this truth. I see how this is not acted out in all of my choices, thoughts and actions. I am shown how often I am not for Him in how I choose to behave, react, or think. It is so clear how desperately we truly need our Savior. Blessedly, He knows me better than I know myself, and understands this aspect of my life. However, the choice to will it is entirely my own. God is a gentleman and will never go where He is not invited, nor will He overpower my will, even if I ask Him to, if something is really not yet released "for Him."

I pray this year, 2008, I may grow more and more FOR our precious Lord with each and every thought, action, and step forward in my life. I pray all who read this post grow more and more in their own intimacy with God and that His Rhema may pierce their souls ~ May He Bless you all through this New Year.