The Wall

I hit a wall this past weekend. I can't even put it to words. It was an abrupt, screeching halt to continuing on in life as it has been. I could not muster the desire, nor strength, to move forward ~ I was completely exhausted. Not spiritually exhausted, Praise Him...but mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. Nothing left to pour out. Desperate for refueling. Desperate for change.

I know how this happened, I have been under every form of stress imaginable for several years. With my pollyanna heart challenges (I tend to live in denial of truth about hurt, ugliness, and evil ~ preferring to see the good in everyone and all things), I had gone over the top of taking things on and letting them roll. God has been so good to me, teaching me so much and carrying me through many events as well as filling my heart and mind with renewal over and over again, but sometimes the speed of depletion overtakes the ability to sit with Him and refill (though I sit with Him every day, refilling has often been just enough for the next hour/day/week)...

It was, and has been, an empty place. I have not lost my contentment in God, nor my peace (if I fall away from it for a moment, I can easily find it again) ~ but my joy and simple faith have been deeply challenged, and my body's ability to withstand pressure has been severely strained. I went to sleep Sunday night in my socks, jeans, turtleck and cardigan ~ almost too tired to get up and shut off the bathroom light before tucking in ~ and I slept all night. It was deep and nearly comatose. It spoke to my level of fatigue; not once did I experience any discomfort from, or even awareness of, my clothes. I didn't want to get out of bed Monday. I wanted to stay right where I was for another day...but, my older girls had dentist appt.s and my youngest had a birthday. It turned in to a fun day ~ I got away with minimal effort with lots of happy moments for the family. God has provided me this often lately as well (minimal effort, with great impact). Less is more in many ways, especially for keeping me healthy.

For those who have also suffered the pain of unrequited abuse, betrayal, deception, bullying, loss, rejection, hatred, contempt, and slander, I can affirm to you that God is still good. He LOVES us fully and completely ~ no matter what it appears or feels like, He is in control. He has the master plan. He will bring all things to victory in Christ. AMEN! However, I can also say that, unless we turn to Him daily, seeking His face and His heart toward us and those who are hurting us, we can easily fall into traps of deception and even become, at times, like those persons being used against us. It has been an incredibly difficult learning curve for me ~ discovering things in myself that never became evident during past challenges.

Again, I believe God protected me during childhood to provide the foundation that would be necessary for me to grow through some incredibly horrible things in adulthood. Each classroom has been more fiery as the heat has been turned up in many ways to purify my inner being. Despite the immense pain, I have been blessed with some incredibly deep and tender moments of connection and communion with God. I have grown in my faith journey by leaps and bounds as I have persisted to trust Him and seek Him. I had been studying and reading the bible weekly, but did not have the depth of illumination God desires for us. It was an intellectual understanding of the Word, though a heartfelt faith in Jesus. Over the past few years, I have searched the corners of God's letter to me ~ seeking assurances, promises, and truths to hold me intact when I thought I couldn't bear it any more. I have become "sold out" for Christ as I have learned over and over again that He is the only One whom I can trust will never be used against me. He is the only One who will always be there with waiting arms to provide rest, stability, and loving assurance. It is an amazing lesson.

I wouldn't wish my journey upon anybody. I would be quick to state that I haven't always walked with faith that was needed to succeed through trials; I have often cried out to God for deliverance from the evil. My attacks have come from those whom I have trusted deeply, from those whom I have loved completely, and from those who have known me very little...I have been allowed to experience so many facets of evil. A couple of times I have sat on the edge of my bathtub, depleted and despairing, asking God to take me home if He was going to continue to allow the persecution. He never did, :0) but always did He respond in love. Once when I asked Him "why" about some really awful experiences I was going through, He told me "you were willing." Oh, to be so bold before we know ourselves. Much like Peter, I had a gift of faith that was real, but not yet tested and refined. God has allowed the testing to bring me to a much more mature faith in His truth.

I still don't like the hurt. I still struggle with much of what I have been allowed to experience, longing for someone to "know" and understand the "unfairness" of it all. However, God is so good to me. He reminds me that it really doesn't matter except in the "feeling" and self-pity part of my heart. One of the things He has been working with me on for years is to let go of my desire to be liked by those I am close to. That, too, must be erased if I am to truly serve God with all I have and all I am. I am willing to let go of self-pity and a desire to be known, but it is so hard to stay relinquished all the time. We were designed for relationship, and somehow this feels like it goes against all my heart rightfully desires...but the relationship that we were truly designed for is our relationship with Him. I know He loves me, and I know He knows my heart ~ I pray that He will give me the strength and ability to fully submit in this area. He is so able, and so pleased to answer such a humble request. I must always remember; of myself, I can do nothing that is godly and pure. It is not expected of me apart from Him.

I must also remember that I am physically human, and my body can become burnt out, even when seeking God each day. I must do better with rest and find more balance. I have dissolved many commitments, but the emotional challenges of recent months have evidently not yet been healed. I think that I must not have given it all to Him as I had believed I had done. I sense I am fearful to give total forgiveness, desiring not to be set up for hurt again and again...but I must forgive, as I have been forgiven. I am seeking God for conviction and guidance. He is my hope, in Him I have not shame nor sorrow. I have learned yet another lesson ~ sometimes when we truly believe that we have given it all to Him, we may have missed some pieces which continue to leak His Spirit out, rather than shine from within. Praise God for His faithful walk with us, growing us in Him as we allow and desire. He is so good, so incredibly tender ~ Bless Him, Almighty God. Amen.

An aside; I just reread the above. I found that I used the word "must" quite a bit. I looked it up in the dictionary to see if I was using it incorrectly, sounding as if I was condeming myself inadvertantly. One of the definitions I found is "new wine, fresh"...Amazing!
He will pour new wine into new wineskins ~ Glory to God on High!