Be Still My Anxious Thoughts...

I am currently in one of those "zones" ~ feeling disjointed from most things in my life, not sure what my role is, what my purpose is, what value I possess in my daily routine for God...what I am supposed to be doing for and with my children, what I am supposed to be doing for the next school year (I have to make decisions in the next couple of weeks)...it is a sad time, though not scary as it may have been years ago ~ just strangely empty. He is dissolving ties to all things but Himself.

I know God is preparing a new thing ~ I wish I had a handle on which direction I should face (yes, I am facing Him, but He is not sharing right now re: His plan). I continue to amble along in my daily routine, seeking the Lord's joy in each moment. Seeking to rest in Him and hold thought and speech until it is necessary (I do this better at home, when I get around people I find that I talk more; I am feeling pretty lonely/disconnected from other women in this season).

I am finding more and more passion for reading my Bible. I am finding more more time devoted in prayer. These are wonderful changes that God has wrought which I have been praying for for some time, but am still experiencing anxiety and shifting heart thoughts. I know this is a growth process; God creating in me availability for Himself to fill those spaces I used to fill with other things, but it is not comfortable. I pray He moves quickly, but then again, I know that when He has transformed my moments, I will scarcely remember how "long" it took. He is so gracious to us.

My greatest stumbling block right now has to do with my children. For years I have wanted to be a stay at home mom. God has been moving me closer and closer to that ideal in the recent years; shifting me from 25 hours per week to 18 to 9 this year. It has been my heart's desire since I was a child. My mom stayed home and it blessed me so. Though I am working only during the hours my kids are in school (and I am so grateful for this), I find that it pulls me in so many directions. With the schedule demands I am more tapped out than I prefer, and cannot be the home mom I experience desire to be, nor the worker I could fully be...a bit of me for everywhere. This year has been best at home, though most confusing at work, with the changes. I have enjoyed voluteering at my kids' schools, and bible study time with other ladies ~ as well as keeping our home a bit better and beginning to bake and experiment more in the kitchen.

Christmas break was such a joy that this is hitting me more strongly now. I did not want to go back to work after the holidays; it felt like a foreign imposition. It was like pouring ice water on my routine and comforts. I have been giving that back to God to find His purpose in my work, as He called me to it this year ~ but I am even feeling an outsider at my job as well. Because of the limited time there, I am not connected nor fully engaged in what is happening and what is needed. It is a bit confusing, though I have found some ways that work.

The biggest challenge I face right now is planning for next fall. My almost four year old will be in her last year of preschool. We have the option of keeping her where she is, adding Fridays to her routine. This would continue to allow me a day at home by myself for devotional time, errands, and housework. Her preschool runs 9-2 and I work roughly 9:15 - 1:45. I take her to school shortly after my older kids get on their bus, and then try to leave work in time to get her (often I am late picking up, even if I leave right on time; it is about 1o miles). If she attended there next year, I could still be income providing, working three or four days per week, but would have at least one day at home available for volunteering with the other girls, house stuff, etc. The only problem with this option is that we are not certain it is the best spiritual environment for her, and the programs locally which we like only run 9-12 which does not allow me to work (not that I mind that, but economically this would be a stretch; right now half of what I earn pays for preschool).

Our second option, which my husband prefers, is to have her attend preschool at the private school where I work. While the curriculum and environment are good, the cost is very high. If I were to work Monday through Friday, within the hours of their preschool program (8:45-1:15), I could be qualified as "full time" and then she would get a 75% tuition break. We would then be paying roughly what we are paying now for her school. The only major challenge would be on my emotional and physical stress in increasing my work hours so dramatically. God can fill me where I am challenged, I know...I just don't really want to be on this type of demanding schedule. It is very selfish of me, and I am working on letting my desires go.

The looming issue that colors these decisions is my oldest daughter's need for more support and structure. She currently struggles with many things. Next fall she has to change elementary schools due to rezoning, then middle school begins in the fall 2009. I am strongly inclined to home school her through these years of insecurity and incredible challenge in order to respond to her needs, let God build her back up and help her stabilize. Her dad (my former husband), though not for home schooling, has not refused the idea when I have mentioned it to him. This, in and of itself, is amazing. But, I don't know if this is God's plan.

I guess I really just want to be home full time, and this is where I am stumbling. I am double minded, which God calls us not to be. I feel obligated to my work, and do know how helpful the talents and wisdom God has given me are in this environment. I serve and support many children and families. I do enjoy my job when I am actively working in it...but I enjoy my family so much as well. I have sought His face, but hear little about next year (which isn't surprising, as He tends to give me today or perhaps next week at the most when I ask).

This anxiety began when my boss called me last Tuesday evening to ask if my youngest could be tested at school on Wednesday for the preschool entry. I had been praying for God's direction. I had discussed the possibility with my boss (she has been trying to get me to come full time, full hours, and bring all three kids for awhile), but hadn't been pushing the issue. Now the decision time is near. I am wondering if this is God working, or if it is not. Discernment eludes me.

While I have full faith in our awesome Creator, and trust Him to fix anything I might choose to do out of His will (as He promises in Romans 8:28) I am too close to this issue to hear well (or perhaps too wishful for what I want to listen). I have asked my husband to bear the burden of decision. I have let him know how that I have not been able to discern anything because of my emotionality and would prefer if he would just tell me what he believes God is calling us to do. This has taken the burden off of my mind, but not my heart. I pray for God's peace in my heart. I still struggle at times about this, confused as to what desires God placed in my heart, and what desires I came up with on my own. I know He desires us to be mothers and help mates first, but each of us are on a differing journey tailored to share His light and glory with others. His plan may be for me to work. I am okay with this if I can just find the peace of knowing it is Him...I will absolutely fully embrace whatever is decided, but in the time of preparing and seeking guidance. I so desperately don't want to miss hearing His call.

If you have the mind to pray for me, please pray that my mind and heart be available to His will in this situation, and for clarity, truth, and peace to resound. I want to be a servant to my Lord alone, and not to the wills of my heart. Thank you, may He bless you abundantly ~