I was attending a lecture series on Revelation this weekend (which was fascinating and engaging, btw), and found this entry in my flip journal while I was taking notes. I had written it late one night after struggling with some things a few months ago. As I scanned it, I thought I would share to see if anybody else ever felt this way...
Everyone is not a master of their own world, though we often strive to be. I need to stop reacting to the externals as if I am the master, and responding to the internals, fully knowing that I am not ~ trusting the Lord to lead and have perfect timing for all things...
I so desperately hurt when hearing from others how much I have let them down...where I have fallen short of their expectations which somehow I feel obligated to meet. Why am I not good enough to be valued just as I am?...
Why me, Lord? Do I let You down, as well, when I disappoint or hurt or confuse others? Am I really supposed to meet their percieved needs as I am supposed to have a heart of compassion and love toward them...? We are called to consider others as more important than ourselves, forgive 70 times 7, turn the other cheek, pray for those who persecute, bless our enemies, etc. The taunting ringing in my ears says "yes, God knew I would fail Him, God knew I would never measure up to His holy standards no matter how desperately I desired to..." ...
but that is a mockery of truth, from the father of lies himself ~ the father of pride and self-absorption. A mockery of the reality that we were NEVER supposed to even try to measure up ~ we are designed to recieve that we might give ~ the enemy of our souls would have us reverse this...
A still small voice presses in; gracious and encouraging ~ Hush, my child. Be still. You are loved. You are forgiven. I have loved you with an everlasting love ~ the depth of which knows no bounds. I expected your 'failing' ~ you weren't leaning on Me. You see, you can do nothing apart from Me, but with Me and in Me All things are possible...When will you understand, my child, what true love and rest really mean? When will you see yourself through My eyes? My masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made.
I can do no wrong ~ was I wrong in creating you? Not at all. Did I somehow create you with dysfunction? No - I gave you exactly what I intended to do. Your heart, your mind, your very breath came from Me. I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were, I Am.
How then, child, can you not see the beauty that lies before Me, in you? Your eyes, your heart toward Me ~ such joy and pleasure. I delight in these things. You have been made perfect in Me. Fret not, my dear, for you truly are forgiven of your failings. They are but human error, I am divine.
I love you just as you are ~ I in thee, thee in Me. We can do all things. Trust Me, abide in Me, draw closer to Me, rest. I am Love.
And then the truth hits me more profoundly. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak. The truth screams to me ~ I am often unwilling to give up my life....Why? "I Want...."
Lord, until YOU become more than "I want," my life will not be a powerful witness to you. May I grow in stature of love for You that I lose the I in that statement and transform it to YOU. Amen.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A Story I Read This Morning ~
I have two husbands: A polygamist’s diary
A polygamist on her ‘non-traditional’ lifestyle — and why ‘Big Love’ is silly
"Non-traditional" is a popular catchall phrase that seems, in common usage, to mean anything that differs from the mainstream. It also describes a large portion of my life.
My upbringing was entirely unremarkable, and certainly included nothing of this sort. I was first introduced to such alternative relationships in college when a female friend of mine and I knowingly decided to share the same boyfriend.
No, not a threesome, just going out with the same guy. It was partially a matter of convenience, and partially the fact that we were close friends. We both liked him very much, didn't want to fight over him, and he wasn't anxious to choose between us. As this was my first intimate relationship and it became polyamorous, it is hardly surprising that I ended up in a polygamist marriage. My first husband was Alan.
We fell together like a couple of old shoes, somehow instantly comfortable with each other. We had similar opinions about plural relationships, and neither of us was averse to the idea. Around a year and a half after we were married, we met Eric. He and I were instantly attracted to each other and, as Alan had no objection, we began getting to know each other better. Over time, I found myself falling in love with Eric. Alan certainly wasn't blind to this, so we all got together to discuss it. This turned out to be one of the most important conversations of my life, and led to an increase in my family’s size.
Alan and Eric let me make the sleeping arrangements, and I worked to make sure I spent time with both of them. To all outward appearances we were a married couple with a male friend living with us. While some found it awkward when the three of us occasionally attended parties and such together, very few people attempted to pry. To avoid legal troubles, I remained legally married to Alan, and we all decided a larger house was in order when we met Leslie.
Fast forward to today, and our family is now composed of Alan, Eric, Leslie, Amber, and myself, plus our children: Todd, Steve, Jennifer, Lisa, and Amber is currently pregnant. Eric and Leslie are legally married, and we've added a few rooms to the house. We have two family meetings a week, one of which is for adults only, both of which can get lively and loud. We've had our arguments over money, people monopolizing other people's time, dealing with children's issues, and so forth — like any other family — but we just have more voices in the discussion.
As far as finances are concerned, Alan, Eric and Leslie all work, and Amber intends to go back to work after the baby is born. I kind of became the head Mom and housekeeper, and we all take turns at cooking except for Eric. (We all try to keep him out of the kitchen. We've decided we like the house, and we don't want him to burn it down.) We have main household accounts for bills and home improvements, and we all have our own personal accounts as well. Alan keeps all the books balanced, as he's best at it. Amber and I both receive a kind of salary for what we do around the house.
Our respective families are aware that Alan and I are married, that Eric and Leslie are married, and that Amber is living with us. If they are suspicious of anything else, they've never mentioned it. Fascinating how people avoid asking uncomfortable questions.
When ‘Big Love’ came out, we all thought it was pretty silly. To start with, we all consider ourselves to be one family, not three separate but connected families. The ideas that plural marriage is restricted to the one man and several wives model — and that it has to have a religious basis — are both ridiculous. We also don't consider the political jockeying, the backbiting, and the attempts to get more of the husband's attention or money, to be loving behavior. If the youngest wife is so insecure, she should go find herself a nice monogamous man.
This lifestyle really isn't for everybody. We are all here because we love each other and we choose to be together. Those who think it is all about sex really don't understand. Those who think something kinky must be going on seriously don't understand. Incidentally, for those who insist on knowing, we are all straight. This did not keep me from sleeping in Leslie's bed for a few nights and holding her as we cried after she had a miscarriage. We all love and support each other, and try to see that everyone's needs are met. And, as most eventually discover, people's needs extend beyond sex.
With all the traditions we have coming from other cultures and various parts of the country, who's to say what is or isn't mainstream? Kind of makes "non-traditional" lose its meaning.
Your turn!
What’s your take on polygamy?
Mine is *UGH, WRONG* (though somewhat fascinating in a curious sense), and to agree with any form of "non-traditional" marriage certainly would be cheating myself out of the delight and challenge of really growing into an intimate relationship with someone, that ultimately not only chisels and refines us if we persist in love, but also has potential to reflect God's love to a dying world...How sad if I were just to "play house" with a bunch of friends and swap partners sometimes...something about that just doesn't seem right...and how do the kids manage to get it all straight?? What do they tell people at the school when their mom and another mom's dad had them?? Waaaay too messed up for my book. I am amazed this exists, shows how "sheltered" I am. Praise God for that! :-)
A polygamist on her ‘non-traditional’ lifestyle — and why ‘Big Love’ is silly
"Non-traditional" is a popular catchall phrase that seems, in common usage, to mean anything that differs from the mainstream. It also describes a large portion of my life.
My upbringing was entirely unremarkable, and certainly included nothing of this sort. I was first introduced to such alternative relationships in college when a female friend of mine and I knowingly decided to share the same boyfriend.
No, not a threesome, just going out with the same guy. It was partially a matter of convenience, and partially the fact that we were close friends. We both liked him very much, didn't want to fight over him, and he wasn't anxious to choose between us. As this was my first intimate relationship and it became polyamorous, it is hardly surprising that I ended up in a polygamist marriage. My first husband was Alan.
We fell together like a couple of old shoes, somehow instantly comfortable with each other. We had similar opinions about plural relationships, and neither of us was averse to the idea. Around a year and a half after we were married, we met Eric. He and I were instantly attracted to each other and, as Alan had no objection, we began getting to know each other better. Over time, I found myself falling in love with Eric. Alan certainly wasn't blind to this, so we all got together to discuss it. This turned out to be one of the most important conversations of my life, and led to an increase in my family’s size.
Alan and Eric let me make the sleeping arrangements, and I worked to make sure I spent time with both of them. To all outward appearances we were a married couple with a male friend living with us. While some found it awkward when the three of us occasionally attended parties and such together, very few people attempted to pry. To avoid legal troubles, I remained legally married to Alan, and we all decided a larger house was in order when we met Leslie.
Fast forward to today, and our family is now composed of Alan, Eric, Leslie, Amber, and myself, plus our children: Todd, Steve, Jennifer, Lisa, and Amber is currently pregnant. Eric and Leslie are legally married, and we've added a few rooms to the house. We have two family meetings a week, one of which is for adults only, both of which can get lively and loud. We've had our arguments over money, people monopolizing other people's time, dealing with children's issues, and so forth — like any other family — but we just have more voices in the discussion.
As far as finances are concerned, Alan, Eric and Leslie all work, and Amber intends to go back to work after the baby is born. I kind of became the head Mom and housekeeper, and we all take turns at cooking except for Eric. (We all try to keep him out of the kitchen. We've decided we like the house, and we don't want him to burn it down.) We have main household accounts for bills and home improvements, and we all have our own personal accounts as well. Alan keeps all the books balanced, as he's best at it. Amber and I both receive a kind of salary for what we do around the house.
Our respective families are aware that Alan and I are married, that Eric and Leslie are married, and that Amber is living with us. If they are suspicious of anything else, they've never mentioned it. Fascinating how people avoid asking uncomfortable questions.
When ‘Big Love’ came out, we all thought it was pretty silly. To start with, we all consider ourselves to be one family, not three separate but connected families. The ideas that plural marriage is restricted to the one man and several wives model — and that it has to have a religious basis — are both ridiculous. We also don't consider the political jockeying, the backbiting, and the attempts to get more of the husband's attention or money, to be loving behavior. If the youngest wife is so insecure, she should go find herself a nice monogamous man.
This lifestyle really isn't for everybody. We are all here because we love each other and we choose to be together. Those who think it is all about sex really don't understand. Those who think something kinky must be going on seriously don't understand. Incidentally, for those who insist on knowing, we are all straight. This did not keep me from sleeping in Leslie's bed for a few nights and holding her as we cried after she had a miscarriage. We all love and support each other, and try to see that everyone's needs are met. And, as most eventually discover, people's needs extend beyond sex.
With all the traditions we have coming from other cultures and various parts of the country, who's to say what is or isn't mainstream? Kind of makes "non-traditional" lose its meaning.
Your turn!
What’s your take on polygamy?
Mine is *UGH, WRONG* (though somewhat fascinating in a curious sense), and to agree with any form of "non-traditional" marriage certainly would be cheating myself out of the delight and challenge of really growing into an intimate relationship with someone, that ultimately not only chisels and refines us if we persist in love, but also has potential to reflect God's love to a dying world...How sad if I were just to "play house" with a bunch of friends and swap partners sometimes...something about that just doesn't seem right...and how do the kids manage to get it all straight?? What do they tell people at the school when their mom and another mom's dad had them?? Waaaay too messed up for my book. I am amazed this exists, shows how "sheltered" I am. Praise God for that! :-)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Fun Comparisons
I was in a really neat place with God last night, and this song from Air Supply (remember them?) began running through my head ~ well, the main chorus did...so, this morning I looked it up. I thought it was an appropriate love song to our LORD ~
I can't fight this feeling any longer
I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
I tell myself, that I can't hold out forever
I say there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction, you make everything so clear
And even as I wonder I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shoreand throw away the oars forever
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running around in circles in my mind
Baby it always seems that I'm following you
Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find
And even as I wonder I'm keeping you sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting forIt's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore
Friday, February 6, 2009
A Poem from Last night
As I was praying last night and getting ready for bed, this came to me...I wanted to share.
From the depth of darkness
the beam of light
penetrates
Illumining all in its path
casting glow to the shadows...
Shinmering fresh and pure, it emerges
freely traveling
through the fleeing darkness.
Possessing powerful simplicity;
quiet, yet determined
inch by inch it reaches the corners~
None can change its path...
steady and true from its origin
Inviting, beckoning...
seeking to expand and fill the space.
Formless blobs take on shape and meaning;
as the glow gets brighter and brighter
revealing all with its gentle caress ~
these long forgotten things...
bumps, etchings, scratches, boulders~
illumining hidden beauty
and tarnished treasures...
giving freedom
and hope
for new life.
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