Are We the Master??

I was attending a lecture series on Revelation this weekend (which was fascinating and engaging, btw), and found this entry in my flip journal while I was taking notes. I had written it late one night after struggling with some things a few months ago. As I scanned it, I thought I would share to see if anybody else ever felt this way...

Everyone is not a master of their own world, though we often strive to be. I need to stop reacting to the externals as if I am the master, and responding to the internals, fully knowing that I am not ~ trusting the Lord to lead and have perfect timing for all things...

I so desperately hurt when hearing from others how much I have let them down...where I have fallen short of their expectations which somehow I feel obligated to meet. Why am I not good enough to be valued just as I am?...

Why me, Lord? Do I let You down, as well, when I disappoint or hurt or confuse others? Am I really supposed to meet their percieved needs as I am supposed to have a heart of compassion and love toward them...? We are called to consider others as more important than ourselves, forgive 70 times 7, turn the other cheek, pray for those who persecute, bless our enemies, etc. The taunting ringing in my ears says "yes, God knew I would fail Him, God knew I would never measure up to His holy standards no matter how desperately I desired to..." ...
but that is a mockery of truth, from the father of lies himself ~ the father of pride and self-absorption. A mockery of the reality that we were NEVER supposed to even try to measure up ~ we are designed to recieve that we might give ~ the enemy of our souls would have us reverse this...

A still small voice presses in; gracious and encouraging ~ Hush, my child. Be still. You are loved. You are forgiven. I have loved you with an everlasting love ~ the depth of which knows no bounds. I expected your 'failing' ~ you weren't leaning on Me. You see, you can do nothing apart from Me, but with Me and in Me All things are possible...When will you understand, my child, what true love and rest really mean? When will you see yourself through My eyes? My masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made.

I can do no wrong ~ was I wrong in creating you? Not at all. Did I somehow create you with dysfunction? No - I gave you exactly what I intended to do. Your heart, your mind, your very breath came from Me. I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were, I Am.

How then, child, can you not see the beauty that lies before Me, in you? Your eyes, your heart toward Me ~ such joy and pleasure. I delight in these things. You have been made perfect in Me. Fret not, my dear, for you truly are forgiven of your failings. They are but human error, I am divine.

I love you just as you are ~ I in thee, thee in Me. We can do all things. Trust Me, abide in Me, draw closer to Me, rest. I am Love.

And then the truth hits me more profoundly. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak. The truth screams to me ~ I am often unwilling to give up my life....Why? "I Want...."

Lord, until YOU become more than "I want," my life will not be a powerful witness to you. May I grow in stature of love for You that I lose the I in that statement and transform it to YOU. Amen.