Walking in Surrender

I have been really seeking to understand "surrender" the past few months...and what that really means in light of life in Christ...

So many truths have resonated within me ... truths that I am not my own...I was bought with a price ... God has purpose for me that is beyond my comprehension, and He desires to do more than I could ask or imagine...

But I don't always like the path

I don't always enjoy the plan...

His ways are definitely not my ways, and when He is doing a work in my life, as I place it in His hands, it can be a difficult process...for both of us.  For me because of the struggle to let go and yield, for Him because I know He doesn't desire the pain I end up creating in my own life when I struggle with the choices ~

As I have grown in my ability to hear God (through consecration, intimacy, time in the Word and prayer journaling), my willingness to surrender my life and desires to Him has expanded...but I have discovered something ~ God always wants more.  He is jealous for us.  He desires ALL of me...not just what I desire to give, not just what I am "willing" to do, but ALL...

This is a steep request.

It is one I rail against at times...

Especially when it is making me vulnerable and open to things I would rather avoid walking through; I often ask if there is a different way.  Surely, it would seem, there is an easier path...

Some days I want to go back to how it was before my heart got so deeply connected with His.

Some days I wish I could return to being the child of God who lived in love and trusted fully in His grace, but didn't know what I now know...so I could live a more self-absorbed life...

He holds us accountable to what He has revealed; the higher the willingness, the more is asked (of course, the more we are given as well)...

I asked to be One with Him.

I called out "Whatever Thy will is, Lord, may my will be Thine ~ Thy will be done..." Over and over during my last marriage and beyond...I said this to God day after day, year after year...

And, I have had some wonderful times celebrating Life in Him. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I have had some difficult times choosing to remain faithful to the call to love beyond understanding, thought His Spirit, versus retaliating, turning bitter, staying angry, retreating into self-protection or self-indulgence.  I wouldn't trade these either, for what I have learned and the intimacy that learning has afforded...

Oh, I have succumbed to times of retreat; days or months of falling off the path of "holiness" and indulging in sinful living, self-serving and self-comforting behaviors that felt good for a time and kept my mind off pain or hidden heart issues that threatened to knock me down...

But I always end up turning back to what is real ~ the source of Life; God.  He is the only One who brings true joy and true peace...and even when I am wrapped up in my self-indulgence and serving my own appetites and desires, there is a part of me that is not at rest.  Ultimately, I choose again to surrender.

It is at these times that I then have to walk through making the decisions being called for; the consequences of my running ~ peeling away from whatever choices I had been making, and re-submitting myself to His ways.  The process can be so painful ~ memories of previous times have kept me from falling as often in the recent years, the more I have grown in my understanding.

God really DOES have our best interests at heart.

Recently, I had asked Him to relieve me of a calling He had placed upon me.  What was once a wonderful thing that I had celebrated with Him and been tremendously blessed by became muddied.  The enemy of our souls got involved...began derailing my partner, and then myself.  God allowed this; I am sure for some type of training, though it really was NOT okay with me...

He told me to trust Him.

I wanted to run.

He said "No, abide in Me and I will give you the peace. I will give you the love. I will walk you through."

STEEP challenge...My heart was ripped out so many times, but each time He mended it back and covered me in His amazing Love. 

I re-submitted over and over rather than stepping my own way ~ I can imagine it was like trying to keep a hot-headed horse tethered; every couple of days, sometimes daily or hourly, I would cry, "No, Lord ~ Please let me avoid this path...I can't do it," and then a few breaths and prayers later ~"But You can ~  I don't really want to, please give me another way...but not my will, Lord, Thine."

It was a dance of intimacy and trust ~ I chose to believe His Words and visions (both scripture and Rhema He continued to provide) while walking in constant prayer, battling fear and hurt regularly, and barely making it in the natural some days...

His will actually began manifesting in early December ~ I was astounded that what He had shown and spoken to me was actually coming to pass.  What looked impossible in the natural, what I doubted and often asked Him to let me be free from, began to take shape. 

Chains were broken.

Captives set free.

Truth began to come forth ~ Light...

I began to breathe a bit less strenuously again, believing this season was finally coming to a close and I could resume an "easier" path once more, whatever that might look like.  No longer would I have to travail in intercession for this situation, daily placing my heart on the alter of His will, trusting God for all things and allowing Him to have His way in me ...His way appeared to be complete.

However, free will is real.

We all have choices.

Though He won the battle, He did not "win" the heart He was fighting for... As He fought, using myself and a friend as His instruments, the skirmish victorious, or so it appeared ~ but then darkness returned in greater measure.

God kept me on the path for a bit longer. I prayed for changes, I prayed for release, I prayed He would bring another to take my place ~ that His will would still be accomplished for each of our lives, but that I would not have to walk in the pain any more ~ it was just too much...

He would not release me.

He has recently changed His mind ~ not only releasing me from where He was holding me, but calling me to a 180 from where I was ~

I am grateful to be out of the midst of torment, but also extremely saddened by the cost and the outcomes.  I can only imagine how broken-hearted God must feel when we choose to not surrender to Him, as I am deeply and sorrowfully grieved for what has transpired.

 I known HE is the God of redemption.

He is the God of the impossible.

It isn't even His plan for me that is not being fulfilled ~ There is always a plan B for those who are submitted to Him...and, as a friend reminded me once, if plan A does not work because people choose not to get on board, He does not give us a steak knife in exchange for a Cadillac, He brings us the next "Best" thing ~

He can do anything ~ and will work all things together for good in my life, no matter others' choices, for I am wholly submitted to His purposes.

But surrender is hard.  So is resting in knowing that my friend has walked away from a calling, and will not be able to fulfill it in the direction they are headed

I am fighting against the desire for self-indulgence; for running and assuaging my grief and hurt in ways that would bring blessed relief for a time ... respite ...  There are many options presented before me. 

I was discussing them with God this afternoon while out in my yard collecting sticks for my wood stove.  I was kind of trying to coerce Him into seeing things my way, asking for a time of self-indulgence; after all, what could it hurt?...

I railed a bit when He impressed upon me the call to holiness and consecration, asking why others could do certain things yet I was not allowed to.

He reminded me that I was allowed to do anything I desired...He was not going to control me, nor stop me, if I would rather walk away...

I knew this was truth.

BUT, I also knew it was not His desire for me.  I got angry at the feeling of injustice. I got angry that He wouldn't make my life easier (I knew He could), and then I submitted to truth.

I LOVE GOD.  He has provided my life with so much meaning...Every day is much richer, more beautiful, more hopeful, and more joyful because God is my Father and King...

And I love serving ~ it brings joy to my heart.  It brings satisfaction to my life.  We are called to be servants; true and meaningful life is discovered in the many interruptions of pouring out for others...  As we yield our lives to giving sacrificially of ourselves, we discover Christ's love...our hearts become more like His.  It is an amazing transaction of grace.  

So, again I choose to surrender.  It isn't easy. The changes offered before me are not what I had anticipated, nor what I had hoped.  They are not what God had planned, either ~ but He will not force others, and I have learned not to manipulate situations or people to suit my preferences. 

God does not coerce, manipulate, nor control.  Any time there is time pressure, urgency, or a sense of coercion, we can know it is not of the Lord.  He is a gentleman in every sense.  His gentle whisper can be ignored, or it can be allowed to influence us to press in and trust more; to follow and see where He leads ~ no matter the cost.

I choose to follow, to walk surrendered...   How about you? 

When God Shows Up

Found this in my drafts...didn't realize it hadn't published...

Over and over lately the LORD has been dropping little notes of love into my lap as I walk through daily life.  So very many things have "gone wrong" in my home, with my car, in struggles with children, financially, emotionally...I can easily see that if I were the person whom I was a few years ago, life right now would be a very different reflection from my home ~

But, God has shown up again and again and again in my world. HE is so very faithful and true. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful...

Let me tell you about the most recent time ~ this weekend. I went out of town this weekend on a Ladies' retreat with some friends from a nearby church.  The teaching was on Isaiah 61: 1-3


1THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,


2To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] [a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,

3To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

It was a wonderful weekend; the speaker, Judi Rossi was a wonderful testimony of what God can do with a willing and submitted heart. She blesses women from coast to coast with her "Enhancing Your Marriage" ministries and Bible studies that she has written.  The worship leader was a young gal from Arizona who had a sweet and tender heart that just ushered God's Spirit into the room each time that she lifted her voice in prayerful petition...it was beautiful. 

I wasn't sure I could go on this retreat; things at home were pretty overloaded and chaotic, I was behind with my work tasks, and well beyond my need for sleep ~ but the LORD allowed me to complete some of my work on Friday through a series of unexpected events, and He encouraged me to travel. 

I left later than I was supposed to (the main group left at 11:30 a.m.; I was supposed to leave by 4 in order to arrive in time to check in and get set up for the first teaching session, I didn't depart my home until well after four and needed to stop by my office, which was on the way, before continuing the journey).  Because I was late, I didn't want to stop and gas up; I figured I had enough (nearly half a tank) to get me to the location and would worry about gasoline for the trip home. I even debated just quitting all together as I began to drive and hit some slow traffic; I thought my best bet would be to hole up at home and "pretend" to have gone so that I could get things accomplished without interruption...

God had other plans, so I continued onward on my journey.  My GPS did not register the town where the retreat was being held, so I programmed an intersection about ten miles from my destination and started on my way.  As I was nearing the intersection, my gas light went on in the car.  There were no other gas stations to be found at that point, and as I entered the last leg (after the intersection) I was on unlit, windy, mountainous roads ~ and not at all sure I was heading 100% in the right direction.  I phoned the facility but their telephones had been turned off for the night, and then I lost service to my cell...so I pressed on and prayed for God's provision.

When I arrived at the correct road, I discovered that the "camp" I was headed to was six miles up the road (I discovered this about 1/4 of the way up the mountain).  I prayed that the LORD would give my car good bearings (there was a beautiful drop off, with a peaceful river flowing below, to my right) and my gasoline would last long enough to get me there, as well as to bring me back to the nearest town the following day.

God brought me straight to the door of the retreat center. Check-in was amazingly easy, I was well in time for the session, and very blessed all evening.  I also discovered we had some free time scheduled for Saturday afternoon in which I could run the car down the mountain, find a gas station, and fill up (in case things in that area were not open on Sunday morning). 

Lunchtime Saturday - thus far a very meaningful encounter with the LORD in the teachings and fellowship and small groups, as well as a blessing of fellowship and relaxation....I asked the cafeteria staff about the nearest gas station. As they were discussing it, they decided upon a place called "The Junction" (which had recently begun taking credit cards so I wouldn't need cash, which was a praise).  However, within seconds, the gentleman whom I was speaking with shifted the topic and said to me ~ "You are really on empty?" I told him the story of the prior evening and how I just wanted to get there and then worry about it in the daylight, and he then offered to give me gas from their small tank that was used to fill the small vehicles they used around the facility...in thirty minutes (after he finished his chores), he was leading me to this small garage where he proceeded to fill my tank with 3 1/2 gallons of gas...I was blessed beyond measure and delighted with God's loving provision ~

Because of HIS provision I was also able to participate in the loosely structured afternoon activities (and witness an AMAZING testimony of God's faithfulness and love) as well as rest...the gas I received was actually enough to get me completely out of the mountains and back into a smaller town (about sixty miles) before I stopped at a "regular" station to fill the tank. I probably could have gotten almost home, but wanted to be more diligent on my return trip :-) 

He is just so good to us...and we miss it if we don't pay attention ~ I am so very thankful to have the LORD as my Savior, provider, and friend ~