On Death...

Our pastor's mother died recently, having been unexpectedly diagnosed with stage IV cancer this fall. God was gracious to her, taking her to His kingdom before she had to endure the agonizing aspects of the cancer battle, but it was still, from many a human perspective, untimely and unexpected. She was a true warrior for Christ, from what our Pastor shared in his blog . Doesn't it feel "wrong" with most who dies this way, save the death of one who has been languishing in a Nursing Home for years. When I worked in the nursing home, death seemed a blessing for many of the residents. Somehow it seems "right" to die at the end of our lives, but "wrong" when we are still in our younger years (which, in and of itself, is open to familial interpretation ~ my family lives to late nineties and 100's, my former husband's family felt "old" at 70).

In the past few months I have been witness to grief of several friends and acquaintances ~ it would seem that at my middle age status, this is the cycle we are entering. Rather than births, we are seeing deaths of parents and grandparents. Each death has been uniquely reflective of the sanctity of life, as well as the brevity. We are humans living in mortal bodies ~ only our Spirits are eternal.

It has been said that death is no respector of persons. All the circle of influence of the deceased are affected. Even if just a portion of their heart is affected, which only God can see, they are changed by the finality of passing. We cannot speak to our loved ones again. No more can we find them where we expect to see them. No more can we pick up the phone or write and expect an answer from any but our Maker. We are all on the same page. Void of one special to us in some way. I remember when my mother died quite unexpectedly 11 or so years ago ~ it was a time of many emotions and feelings. My father, being fairly young, remarried within the year. A year later, my best friend's mother died; my "second mom." Her father, in similar status, too remarried fairly quickly.

However, my mom's best friend lost her husband when they were in their forties. She never felt she could replace him., nor wanted to. She continued to live a beautiful life, raising competent and loving daugthers, managing a home business, and spreading love wherever she went. She found her purpose outside of the intimacy of marriage. Perhaps she was intimate with our Savior ~ I believe so but didn't see her much after my mom's funeral. She passed on the week my best friends' mother died ~ a blessing for her to finally return to her husband ~ but, because she was still young (middle aged) she left behind two daughters, who, though in their twenties, felt a great void in their lives. That same week, my grandmother died as well. Three funerals in three different locations in the U.S. I made it to the two closest to me family ones, my sister attended for "us" the third. I had several opportunities to smile that week, though. It was Valentine's week, and I thought this was appropriate that God would call His sweethearts home...

I have found my grief often mixed with frustrated anger when death comes to the young versus adult. I used to think how unfair it was that this child did not have the opportunity to grow and experience all that life can offer. I experience deep compassion for the parents who face such a difficult loss. Some never recover ~ others recover by the grace of God alone. Even Christians can lose their joy, and their faith, over something as devastating as loss of a child. If they continue to pour out to God, pressing in with all their hearts and raw emotions, I have seem amazing things over time ~ but it takes a willful desire to let go. That can be so hard.

One summer, as I left the third funeral for a child under two in a six month period of time, I was experiencing a variety of emotions. The funeral was amazing; very vocal and worshipful, adoring God. I was humbled and blessed having been a part, touched by the celebration and reverence. I was also angry for this young mother' s loss, and fatigued from the emotional drain that connection in times of grief can bring. I made the decision that I could not keep participating in life and death so close, so frequently. I decided to change jobs and begin working with children over three who were more physically stable in their various bodily challenges. I believed that would relieve me of the frequency of tragedy and emotional pulls. In many ways it did ~ though my heart for families and kids did not change.

God has allowed me to experience so many forms of grief as an adult. He spared me from so much as a child. He gave me a cocoon of safety and security in my family ~ to build absolute trust in Him, I suppose, before opening my mind and eyes to the difficulties of life. I recall one fall in my early thirties; first a dear friend, 36, died of a massive heart attack in his best friend's arms. He had just been sitting on the back of his pick up truck after finishing a a soccer game. He left behind four children who were no older than 12. We all thought he was fit as a fiddle. Apparently God knew otherwise. A few weeks later, another soccer friend of ours (who coached as well as played) died in his sleep at the tender age of 42, leaving behind two young sons and several cousins whom he mentored to become more than his culture had encouraged when they were young. Following these two eerie experiences (you really feel your mortality when friends are dying in succession), the colleague of a young gal I was mentoring in my profession, died in front of her at work ~ early forties, heart attack as well. This string of deaths occured just prior to my grandmother, best friend's mom, and mom's best friend dying that February. My lesson that year was on trusting God in unexpected death. I never forgot it.

I guess what He has shown me is that we must always be ready. We must always "know" what our future holds in death. We must know Him first and foremost as our time is limited on earth and He is the only one who holds the keys. We should strive to keep a short list so that, should we pass, there is no unfinished business. I have seen so much heartache in families who didn't have things resolved, didn't have assurance of our Lord, or didn't have a sense of worth separate from the loved one they lost. I have seen healthy grief, and wonderful tributes, celebrations, and memories in the families who knew their loved one was with the Lord, and had no unfinished issues to reconcile. Grief is real for all of us, but how it plays out is between us and God.

Blessed be our God and King ~ He is the author and perfector of our faith. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. If He takes a child, He spares that child the strife that life on earth begets ~ blessed be His name. If He takes me soon, I pray that my house is in order, that my children know how much I love Him, and that they know He is the only way. If He gives me many more years, I pray that they are filled with my service to Him, in His plan and His way, that the fruit might be longstanding whether I am here or not. I pray that no matter what may come, My heart and my actions will bring blessing to our Lord. Praise Be to God Most High. Hallelujah. Amen.