As I have continued to recognize my impurities (see prior post) and seek more deeply to listen to the incredible joys the Lord desires to share with us, I have been coming out of my fogginess. I am still fatigued,but seeking ways to combat that more consistenly (more vitamins, going to bed earlier when possible, getting going more slowly on the mornings I can do so...). In the process, our loving Lord and Daddy has been bringing some great things to my attention...things He began in me long ago that had been shelved for lack of pressing~ness in my life. I have been really enjoying recognizing His hand and His work in me as He has unveiled a few mysteries...

Years ago (likely twelve or thirteen), I was taking a 9 week class that used a 12 circuit labyrinth for meditation and focus ~ the church I belonged to at the time had a labyrinth on their grounds and it was a very peaceful place to wander. Learning to wander along the path, praying "to God" in in the form of questions or musings as the circuitous directions took me away from center more times than toward (e.g. no quick prayer or ability to focus upon the end), then resting in the middle, while standing or kneeling in one of the clover leaves, supplicating myself and trusting Him to respond...eternally grateful that He even cared, let alone specifically for me...then returning on the path while "listening" for inner promptings of His Spirit's response ~ was good discipline for me regarding not just talking to God in prayer, but waiting on Him as well.

One of our weekly lessons focused upon what God's name for us might be. In the Bible, God often renames His people when he imparts His breath ~ His very purpose for creating them ~ more directly their lives - Abram, Sarai, Jacob, Simon, Paul... We were studying this aspect of God and then given the opportunity to explore that with Him in the labyrinth. I was at a difficult time in life related to my marriage and I really wanted to matter to God. I was hoping for something that would illumine me and make me feel good (of course, this was not God's plan, but I thought He might indulge me). God did respond to my prayers that day ~ and He gave me the word "Honor." While I argued with Him about this (it didn't make sense to my limited mind and didn't seem "important" related to my life and the great things I wanted to do for Him). I know that sounds silly to anybody reading this, as it is an amazing word ~ but at that time, given my circumstances, it was not what I wanted to hear.

However, I did take it to heart (somewhat reluctantly) and began exploring the "what" about Honor; how to honor others more fully with His heart, and how I might be dishonoring Him with choices, activities, and thoughts. That experience soon worked its way out of my perceptual lens as life went on and I continued to treat our precious Savior as if he were my co-pilot more often than I thought about Him as Lord.

In my desperate pursuit to understand what He has been working in my life ~ for what purposes and why...as well as what I am missing in my learning (it seems I keep coming to the same darn areas of sin and challenge) and what I can be doing to grow faster and better embrace what He is trying to teach me (ha ha, I am way too intellectual often and just really want to get off this roller coaster at times)...He has recently blessed me beyond measure. My season of wilderness is coming to a close (Hallelujah!!) and I am seeing the fruit He has been forming as I look back over the years of struggle ~

God has shown me that He still wants me to learn "honor" toward everyone in my life. He worked honor through me as a child ~ toward parents, friends, those in authority and those whom others did not consider "worthy" of respect or attention. I had many instances in my younger years where I was the lone person standing up for the spark of goodness in others. I went to bat for the "underdog" so often, and saw the possibilities rather than the failures in the lives of those around me. It was as natural to me as breathing and I really couldn't jump in with the alternatives. I just didn't know then that it was God working through me creating and allowing this vision of my heart. And I didn't understand why others couldn't see things this way.

As I progressed toward independence and into adulthood, I continued to see the good in everyone. I honored where they were, where they had come from, and the divine in their spirit. I trusted that everyone had a purpose and nobody was better than anybody else. I had such a wide variety of friends, many of whom would not be caught in the same location let alone the same room. People were so interesting to me, and there was so much wonder to capture when choosing to see through their eyes for a moment. I loved the many experiences I had and things I discovered during that time. I didn't embrace the realities of all of my friends, by any means, but I enjoyed learning about them.

In the last fourteen years, I have been challenged to honor those who dishonor me by their choices and actions as well as have been challenged to step up and honor those who dishonor themselves either flagrantly or more passively. As I grew in God's strength with this very important talent, He continued to refine me and take me deeper into awareness of His sufferings for His very own who live such dishonoring lives (myself included) as well as His great and incredible love and forgiveness for them. He has given me new opportunities in the last few years to learn how to honor, with His love, those who actively seek to hurt and dishonor me. He has shown me how He was preparing me for a "time such as this." I am still ill-equipped and highly imperfect, but He is showing me a deeper place of intimacy with His heart for us...a place that loves us completely despite our imperfections, hatreds, evil thoughts and disputes with His purity and holiness. He is working with me in learning how to reflect this to everyone in our world. What an incredible privilege ~ to share the heart of God ~ isn't that what we are all called to do? Thanks be to God, our Father and Lord...Glory to Him on high.