Going Deeper

I have been in a bog (kind of like "blah" and "fog" combined) over the past several months and struggling in my relationship with God ~ I experienced a feeling almost like a big wet blanket has been laying on me, keeping me somewhat inert, and I had not been able to find the source to remove it...I had many times where I felt connected and in sync, but just as many more where I felt almost beaten down...I think the over-arching experience I have been having is one of pure and deep bone weariness, and when I am tired, I tend to not spend as much time in prayer or Bible reading...I tend to be more of a drifter from idea to idea, option to option, book to book. I pray ~ but not as consistently nor as deeply. I read, but not as long, nor as focused. Boy, does that mess with hearing clearly and knowing God's will...I also experienced my first year since 1999 where I was not involved in a formal bible study ~ I really missed it, but wasn't able to work one into my schedule as I embraced home schooling and other kids' activities and needs. That probably had something to do with my sense of detachment ~

However, lately I have been getting glimmers of that sweet fellowship again. Boy have I missed it deeply. I want to sit and drink it in, alternating with begging for more and praying not to lose it again. Last night God took me to two different dates in "My Utmost for His Highest" to read. I think it showed me a bigger work that has been in effect in my life ~ it was really cool. I wanted to share that here ~ I figured if I typed it, I would recall it even better and be able to look back and read it in another six months as well :-)

The first was:

July 26 The Account with Purity

"Out of the heart proceed..." Matthew 15:19

We begin by trusting our ignorance and calling it innocence, by trusting our innocence and calling it purity; and when we hear these rugged statements of Our Lord's, we shrink and say - But I never felt any of those awful things in my heart. We resent what Jesus Christ reveals. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme Authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust His penetration, or do I prefer to trust my innocent ignorance? If I make conscious innocence the test, I am likely to come to a place where I find with a shuddering awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I shall be appalled at the possibility of evil and wrong in me. As long as I remain under the refuge of innocence I am living in a fool's paradise. If I have never been a blackguard, the reason is a mixture of cowardice adn the protection of a civilized life; but when I am underessed before God, I find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis.

The only thing that safeguards is the Redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will hand myself over to Him, I need never experience the terrible possibilities that are in my heart. Purity is too deep down for me to get to naturally: but when the Holy Spirit comes in, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was manifested in the life of Jesus Christ, viz., Holy Spirit, which is unsullied purity.

Right after, He led me to June 3:

The Secret of the Lord

"The secret (friendship, RV) of the Lord is with them that fear Him" Psalm 25:14

What is the sign of a friend? That he tells you secret sorrows? No, that he tells you secret joys. Many will confide to you their secret sorrows, but the last mark of intimacy is to confide secret joys. Have we ever let God tell usany of His joys, or are we telling God our secrets so continually that we leave no room for Him to talk to us? At the beginning of our Christian life we are full of requests to God, then we find that God wants to get us into relationship with Himself, to get us in touch with His purposes. Are we so wedded to Jesus Christ's idea of prayer-"Thy will be done" - that we catch the secrets of God? The things that make God dear to us are not so much His great big blessings as the tiny things, because they show His amazing intimacy with us; He knows every detail of our individual lives.

"...Him shall He teach in the way the He shall choose." At first we want the consciousness of being guided by God; then as we go on we live so much in the consciousness of God that we do not need to ask what His will is, be3cause the thought of choosing any other will never occur to us. If we are saved and sanctified God guides us by our ordinary choices, and if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check, and we must heed. Whenever the is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say "I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying- "Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"

God is reminding me that He is working all things for good in My life ~ He is with me, He is guiding me, and I don't need to keep worrying about every little step I take or move I make (I was beginning to be bogged down by fear that I was not walking in His will, or would miss His prompts by stepping forward, but it has been all that my heart has cried out for for so long that I realize I shouldn't fear this as I am not giving Him enough credit in communication :-)) He first had to break me free from my ignorance of innocence to place me firmly on His path, and not my own. Praise Him that He loves us so ~