I've been spending much time lately growing in places once left unchecked. I have come to understand how much of a good thing this is (though it feels to be an unbearable experience while walking it out). Psalm 51:17 reminds me "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise"...I am in the best company I could possibly have ~ I can remember this if I keep my eyes upward.
A couple of weeks ago, I "lost" my faith/hope/trust in my ability to walk the path God has me on. Deep inside, I knew that He could walk me through anything He allowed, but I chose to look at my outer circumstances. In my anguish and tribulation I felt desperate for escape and frightened for myself. Once again, "me" was rising with vengeance. I spent an entire evening crying while praying ~ pouring out heartbreak and despair to God. I knew that He was lovingly listening to every thought and heart cry, but I was not ready to accept that He would allow me to experience this suffering over such a prolonged period of time. After sitting with Him and spending much time resting in His graceful mercy, reading a Psalm aloud over and over with a choking voice and heart, I fell asleep peacefully. Thinking I was coming out of the abyss, I awoke refreshed and ready to embrace a new day ~ only to discover that my heartache was still very much present.
I started my day with my devotional time, I played my favorite worship cd while getting the kids ready for school, and was feeling peaceful when a wave of sadness overtook me again. It was darker than the night prior. I was knocked off my feet. Praise flew out the window of my mind ~ "I" took center stage. My needs, what I deserved, what I didn't deserve, and the unfairness of my condition. I succumbed to the pity party and complaining ~ this time dumping all of my heartache on God; seeking to have Him miraculously transform my feelings into gratitude, joy and peace.
A couple of weeks ago, I "lost" my faith/hope/trust in my ability to walk the path God has me on. Deep inside, I knew that He could walk me through anything He allowed, but I chose to look at my outer circumstances. In my anguish and tribulation I felt desperate for escape and frightened for myself. Once again, "me" was rising with vengeance. I spent an entire evening crying while praying ~ pouring out heartbreak and despair to God. I knew that He was lovingly listening to every thought and heart cry, but I was not ready to accept that He would allow me to experience this suffering over such a prolonged period of time. After sitting with Him and spending much time resting in His graceful mercy, reading a Psalm aloud over and over with a choking voice and heart, I fell asleep peacefully. Thinking I was coming out of the abyss, I awoke refreshed and ready to embrace a new day ~ only to discover that my heartache was still very much present.
I started my day with my devotional time, I played my favorite worship cd while getting the kids ready for school, and was feeling peaceful when a wave of sadness overtook me again. It was darker than the night prior. I was knocked off my feet. Praise flew out the window of my mind ~ "I" took center stage. My needs, what I deserved, what I didn't deserve, and the unfairness of my condition. I succumbed to the pity party and complaining ~ this time dumping all of my heartache on God; seeking to have Him miraculously transform my feelings into gratitude, joy and peace.
It is times like this when I kick myself to pray actively for more faith as well ~ where below all the mental chatter I KNOW God is real and with me and I KNOW this blip on my map will be used to His glory if I will just Submit and Be Still. I just don't want to submit to the experience. There, that's the truth...who in their own mind would want to submit to such pain?
ME, ME, ME...that is all that was on my mind at that moment. "What about Me??!"
Blessedly, our Savior will not leave us in this state of unrest. He so kindly took my hand that day and walked me forward in one of the most tremendously gentle and caring ways. He uplifted me and showed me a glimpse of the incredible love He has for us all. As I sought to join myself with Him and allow Him to help me out of the pit, for a brief moment I experienced "one Spirit;" it was indescribably AWESOME..."The one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17
God then showed me that the power of sin is equal to the power of unbelief. When I am being pushed to despair by our enemy, things will be magnified and problems will be falsely interpreted which makes the burden appear too heavy to bear. But if I am empathizing with others or myself, and holding that burden in my own heart, I am in sin. No form of compassion ~ for self or others ~ is helpful if not translated to God's Spirit support versus our self (get that? Self again...). We are the subject of God's great compassion, but we must not choose to subject ourselves to our own compassion ~ or to hold compassion for others in pain without seeking God to carry that burden. I must choose to walk in complete assurance that God knows all, sees all, and has the matter fully under control.
When I began to ask God to frame things for me, from His point of view, He blessed me by reminding me that the more I suffer, the deeper my opportunity to really experience true fellowship with Christ's heart. It briefly allowed my heart to experience a glimpse of understanding of the INCREDIBLE love that was poured out for us...how He chose to suffer voluntarily in so many horrific and longsuffering ways...so that we, sinners and enemies of God, might be saved and redeemed. It was too moving and deeply convicting for my helpless words to describe here.
So, as I was singing "Jesus, Thank You" with all of my heart, I burst into tears...
"The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end
Lover of my soul
I want to live for You"
(by Pat Sczebel)
Praise God!~ He restored me; bringing me back to the only reality I need focus on. I got the "me" out for the moment and the "He" back in to right relation...I am so incredibly blessed.
ME, ME, ME...that is all that was on my mind at that moment. "What about Me??!"
Blessedly, our Savior will not leave us in this state of unrest. He so kindly took my hand that day and walked me forward in one of the most tremendously gentle and caring ways. He uplifted me and showed me a glimpse of the incredible love He has for us all. As I sought to join myself with Him and allow Him to help me out of the pit, for a brief moment I experienced "one Spirit;" it was indescribably AWESOME..."The one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17
God then showed me that the power of sin is equal to the power of unbelief. When I am being pushed to despair by our enemy, things will be magnified and problems will be falsely interpreted which makes the burden appear too heavy to bear. But if I am empathizing with others or myself, and holding that burden in my own heart, I am in sin. No form of compassion ~ for self or others ~ is helpful if not translated to God's Spirit support versus our self (get that? Self again...). We are the subject of God's great compassion, but we must not choose to subject ourselves to our own compassion ~ or to hold compassion for others in pain without seeking God to carry that burden. I must choose to walk in complete assurance that God knows all, sees all, and has the matter fully under control.
When I began to ask God to frame things for me, from His point of view, He blessed me by reminding me that the more I suffer, the deeper my opportunity to really experience true fellowship with Christ's heart. It briefly allowed my heart to experience a glimpse of understanding of the INCREDIBLE love that was poured out for us...how He chose to suffer voluntarily in so many horrific and longsuffering ways...so that we, sinners and enemies of God, might be saved and redeemed. It was too moving and deeply convicting for my helpless words to describe here.
So, as I was singing "Jesus, Thank You" with all of my heart, I burst into tears...
"The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end
Lover of my soul
I want to live for You"
(by Pat Sczebel)
Praise God!~ He restored me; bringing me back to the only reality I need focus on. I got the "me" out for the moment and the "He" back in to right relation...I am so incredibly blessed.
No comments:
Post a Comment