Unsettled...

Does anybody else feel somewhat neurotic with pain when their children are floundering in the wrong directions??! I am broken down and resting in God's mighty hands daily right now with my heart heavy with the burden my children are walking through. It is not my walk, of this I am aware, but my heart hurts with their hurts. I long to take them in my arms and will away their struggles...I pray God comforts, convicts, supports, and empowers them each day...which I am most certain He does in His own way and plan, but I see and hear their pain and my heart grieves.

My three oldest children have walks of challenge ~ different, yet similar. Each struggling to find his or her identity, each struggling to feel valued and competent. I PRAY (oh, how I pray) that they will find their El Shaddai...and turn to Him for restoration and renewal, but they linger at the waters of the world, and fall into the pits of frantic behaviors alternating with anger and acting out. My step children, I cannot help physically but can always pray (and I KNOW how powerfully God's Spirit can move, so I don't feel hopeless)...I just long to comfort them and be more continually supportive to their needs. But, they live in another state, with another set of parents and a different set of circumstances than we live with here. I am deeply sad that I grew up with such wonderful family life and can't share that with children I love on a daily basis...I know it makes a great difference in the willingness to trust our hearts to our Maker...El Roi...The One who sees all...It feels so unfair for them my heart breaks at times...I long for them to know family the way I do...

My oldest daughter from my first marriage is struggling with her own set of anger issues related to a multitude of things; I am not quite sure she even understands them or knows from whence they came. We have prayed together and sought the Lord's understanding and comfort, but this is such a process, and I can't walk it for her as it is her learning for His glory...His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Of His plan for her, I know little. She stuggles with learning many conceptual type things ~ My husband and I are convinced she has a learning disability of sorts, but it isn't something the school would test for since she functions competently (e.g. A's and B's on report cards mostly). However, she is my brightest child; quick mind and fast learner since birth , but cannot synthesize and process information quickly nor grasp concepts without a lot of help and varied learning approaches (most of which we do at home after school each day).

What takes most kids twenty minutes to learn often takes her an hour or more ~ she feels frustrated and "dumb" ~ she "knows" she should know how to do it as her mind is quick but confused. I wish I could find that magic button for her. She has struggled with ADHD since birth. Organization, planning, sitting still, listening...all require tremendous energy for her. The higher she goes in school, the more exhausted she is when she gets home (and the more homework she must embrace after school). We can't even let her play before working because she gets too tired to think by after dinner...it is a catch 22.

So, I work with her ~ try to encourage, get frustrated at the fights to focus and apply to homework (she'd rather forget it exists most of the time), get frustrated that I can't just agree with her and send her outside with her sisters, wish I could do more, and at the same time wish I didn't have to do so much. A fine tightrope we walk...

This week with my children's struggles in Florida to stay focused, want to apply themselves to learning and to feel like their life really matters, coupled with some really bad days my gal here had in school late last week and again last night and this morning (lots of acting out last night and this morning), I am tired.

Lord, I trust You with my children. I know You alone can raise them the way you have laid out for them. Lead me Oh Lord, in my walk alongside each child. Prompt and guide me in what I should say and do... direct my spirit and quiet my heart as I seek to love my children Your way, in Your power, with Your tenderness and mercy...and also Your strength and discipline. Bless you, Yeshua ~ the Anointed One...anoint me in this journey of motherhood. Amen.