Workings and stirrings

Have you ever had a sense that God was working out a lot of "things" in your life, but you weren't sure about always wanting to be on the ride ~ I have days where I am so totally in love with our Lord and Saviour that I cannot even begin to see anything that I mind with the challenges I face as my faith is strong and sure. Other days I can doubt my very belief structure, thinking "surely I have missed something here" (regarding what God wants me to be doing or not doing) as I press in and seek Him.

God has been training me; a proving ground of faith and trusting. I am growing in my peace and joy despite outward circumstances, but also questioning Him many steps along the way. I sense Him letting me stay in the desert at times to see if I trust His presence despite the lack of constant assurances - to build me for another time (perhaps where there are even more challenges?...)

I have a great heart for my friends, and it goes out to them often when they are struggling. I can awaken in prayer need, and often have different people come to mind throughout the day. I currently have many close to me who are suffering from the effects of significant illness in their families ~ one whose husband has been given very little hope for lviing beyond six months (and truly will take a miracle in the next few months if God intends him to live on), one who has a sister who is dying of brain CA (with two small kids at home, single parent) and again has been given "20% chance" at survival...my dad has prostate cancer (though not aggressive); God has given me assurance here, but still it calls for prayer and some attention, one whose daughter is struggling with health issues the doctors are trying to discern (she is my "first born" god daughter; fourteen now), a nephew who continues with challenges that are not yet resolved in his mind/body and my sister is drained, a friend having exploratory surgery this week for some possible heart concerns...I have found myself remarkably peaceful during this time and not worried about the outcomes, though I continue to pray. It is such a sense of freedom and definite shows my growth in trust.

Additionally, we have been stretched to a very deep level with our finances, and at this time of stretching, things keep breaking that could use replacement (tires on the car, electronics in the house...). I was going through a significant time of heartache on Sunday when trying to catch up the bills (and looking at how to pay some licensure fees, car taxes, etc. when I wasn't sure we had enough to pay our normal bills). We have had some recent decrease in income as well as unexpected high bills well beyond where we prefer to spend which also required stretching of our credit card in a way we don't usually do (as we prefer to use it only for airlines and such); but as I pressed in and pressed on, I was filled with peaceful assurance and realized again that God, as always, is faithful. He even showed me how Awesome He was by working out the car taxes ~ as if our budget were different ~ and I was able to creatively pay both sets from our checking account. Unbelievable by most standards (and could have easily been missed had He not shown me)...Our God is an Awesome God...

Yes, we are in debt, but not beyond what He foreknew and expected. He has a plan for us to recover, it is just not easily visible as to how it will work, but I KNOW without a doubt we will be debt free again within a few months. We are so much better off than the feelings I experienced as I started to allow my mind to wander. I have a tendency to want to give to so many things, (which I continued to do freely this month, when I felt God leading me to) but am much more aware of where we must remain in discipline right now. God provides for all things, and I submit to Him for knowing what and when. When I look at what is "real" and "true" in our lives, I recognize that I am nuts to even have any doubt or concern; He is in control of our needs. I took my eyes off the truth and placed them upon the world once more; gratefully, He has restored my vision.

My behaviors toward my kids have been a good ground for training as well; I have been convicted so much lately when acting in ways that are "ungodly" toward them; the question about whether I will let things go, esolve to not become frustrated with certain provocations, disrespectful behaviors, slovenly approaches to things, etc looms clear during my days interactions...I was encouraged when a new friend stated to me the other day "You are remarkably uncontrolling, I love it! I want to live here as a kid" when she observed an interaction that apparently would have driven her nuts and been an "immediate no" in her mind...I thank God that He was answering my call for assurance that I was loving my kids with a heart postured toward His. I thank God that He continues to work in me to mold me to a more grace-filled exhorting parent who maintains boundaries but not wrong expectations (after all, I still don't get it right with God, right??!). I need His help in this big time.

Oh, I am so blessed to know a Creator who loves me enough to not leave me as I am...who knows me so well that He knows how to bring the mud up from my heart and continue to cleanse me from the impurities of idolatry...and I am so incredibly humbled to see how far I have come, and yet how far I still have to go. Praise God for His patience with me! I am every so grateful.