Stirrings

I have been recieving stirrings in my heart - stirrings calling me to a deeper intimacy with our LORD, stirrings calling me to a deeper faith and trust, stirrings calling me to release even more than what I had done ~ I love the stirrings as they show me how wonderful and true God is, and how much He desires our total selves, they are often bittersweet, as there is frequently pain involved in the surrender of our desires and hearts.

I am struggling right now with my desire to support my girlfriend. Her husband is dying ~ Cancer is the culprit. (ooh, God just gave me such beautiful sunlight streaming in through the window in front of me as I typed that...). I have walked side by side with friends as they have cared for dying parents and then gone to the graveside ~ that was hard but not such a challenge (relatively speaking, here). I have had the unfortunate privilege to comfort and care for friends who unexpectedly lost a child to tragedy...that was much more difficult, but somehow I had a comfort/understanding with how I could be of support and surround them with God's love. Today I continue to sit in abject helplessness as I watch one of my dearest friends continue to nurse her husband through his unexpected, rapid downhill progression. Though this is, in many respects, the epitome of God's grace and mercy (to not drag out the pain and illness), my heart rails against the unfairness of it all in human eyes. It breaks for my girlfriend, for her children, and for her husband as well.

Glory to God that this is a bitter-sweet time, as he has recently embraced the Lord wholeheartedly after years of riding the fence (in April he shifted, it was evident). My girlfriend is at peace in many ways, Praise the Lord for the peace that passes understanding, but she is also struggling with her grief and overwhelment. She longs to make things better for him, even as she understands and accepts that she cannot ~ to get back to the "normal" that once was between them. She seeks God desperately to not be crushed by the emerging dementia when, at times, he cannot communicate with nor recognize his loved ones...once a strong mountain of a man, now reduced to dependency, meekness, and discomfort ~ but oh, the love he is showing and recieving is worth far more than gold...

His oldest daughter, now 23, is one whom I loved and encouraged through high school and whom I continue to be quite close with; she often came to me for another sounding board when mom "didn't get it," (though she is very close with her mom I actually pray that my kids and I will have such a close relationship through their lives). She has allowed herself to be pulled away from the Lord over the past several years; once quite passionate about her beliefs, and convicted in God's Love, she has become eroded with our culture, and though still loving the Lord and trusts Him with her dad, is missing the intimacy of trusting Him with herself. Oh, how I wish I could give her the words to prompt her to turn back to be with Him...to let go of the lies of our world and embrace the truth of His heavenly realm. Her mom called her in Georgia last Wednesday and told her that unexpectedly her dad, barring a miracle, would not be around for Thanksgiving (they were expecting him to live through the holidays, at the very least, according to the prognosis given in August when he was diagnosed). She drove home the next day - took a leave of absence from work for 11 days, and dropped all of her college classes except the two she could take online. What do you say to a child who is still not fully reconciled with her needs from her father (either father...earthly or God)....She is avoiding dealing with her feelings and thoughts and "taking charge" as is her tendency...who can blame her...how do we give comfort to a child who cannot recieve it...Oh, Lord, hold her close to You and draw her heart into yours that hers might be comforted and at peace.

Their other child is a son ~ born of other parents, fostered from the age of 3 to 4 1/2, then adopted into the family. He has many special needs which have been loved through and dealt with over the years. He desperately needs a dad's love ~ I know that Abba/Daddy is our all sufficient One, I also know that He can mend all hearts and work all things for His glory ~ but I am so heartbroken for this young man, my daughter's dear friend, who was beginning to thrive under the love and care of such a kind and giving family. My mind asks "Why?" This summer as they were pursuing diagnosis and struggling to find out what exactly was going on (the illness all began in May), I was certain that God in His infinite love and mercy would not be allowing a terminal illness of the father into the life of this tender and broken young man...I was wrong, and continue to struggle with reconciling my belief that God will heal the Cancer because He would not allow so much tragedy into one person's life so young with the obvious direction of his illness..Nothing wrong with believing for a miracle, but how do I support this family in the face of grim and difficult reality?...Love ~ this is the answer, and there are so many faces to share...

Oh, Lord, most Sovereign and Holy God. Anoint me with Your Oil of gladness, may I overflow with Your lovingkindness and compassion...make me Your hands and feet for this family whom I love. Show me Your way, illumine to me their needs and how I can be Your hands to meet them. Oh, Lord, lift this sadness from my spirit that I might bless those whose sadness is immeasurable. Show me how to be a friend in a circumstance where I feel helpless ~ and in your tender mercy, please give light to their path, rest to their spirits, and divine timing to this process that none should suffer too long ~ in His name, I pray. Amen.