Thank You, LORD ~

This month has been a long and frustrating one for me, by many accounts. No need for details, here ~ no earth shattering challenges (honestly, I sometimes do better during those ~ does anybody else experience this??), not many specific "I can put my finger on it" problems...normal everyday challenges more than anything. Lack of sleep many nights, troubled sleeping without clear causes (I have sought the Lord and found little much of the time, clarity at other times), body aches and pains and fatigue, disheartening episodes with children, adjustment to some of the inevitable disappointment in daily desires. You know ~ Life ~ but God always responds when we start to get to our end (well, what we call our end, I have been so much further "down" than currently, that I know I am not even close to really "in a bad place," but it sounds good when I am mired in self) ;-)

The other day God woke me early in the morning and I could tell He had an agenda as my usual "hello God, I am too tired, can I go to sleep again ~ I really am short on sleep...can we just talk in the morning" was ignored not only by Him, but even by me. His Spirit was definitely in charge. I got up and began praying; I use my journal to pray during these times because it keeps me connected to Him. While I was praying, He brought a specific person to mind who lives in another state, and whom I had not prayed for in awhile. I lifted her up and submitted her life to His tender hand, when He began speaking words to her, through me (if you have not experienced this, I cannot explain it, but He does this with me sometimes...). I began writing what I was "hearing" in my spirit. When finished, I was compelled to go to my computer and type her a note, sharing my prayers and then His words through me. I then prayed in my mind that she would not think I was nuts, and was released to go back to sleep.

A few days later, I recieved an email back from her. She thanked me for my prayers and the perfect timing of the message. She then relayed a beautiful message about how God had really met her and blessed her through the words I had relayed. The words I transcribed were word for word, in many parts, what she had been praying for three months for her mother. As I wrote what He spoke, it didn't make sense to my natural mind from what I knew of her, and I figured she must be going through a very odd and difficult time given what she was seeking, but I trusted what I heard...when she shared with me a bit about what had been going on, and how God had assured her with His words, I was so incredibly blessed! God is so good it is beyond understanding or measure.

The kicker was ~ not only was she assured and comforted, but I was, too. At that time this month, I was in a place of self-doubt, questioning the validity of my connection with Him and my faith (basically, questioning my value and usefulness to His kingdom...I so want to be His ~ to magnify and glorify His name!) I had been judged and condemned by several in the recent years as not true or faithful in my love for our LORD, and this past month the inaccuracies had come to a point of grief in my heart. God spoke volumes through very little, allowing me to be used as His servant in the process. I am so incredibly humbled and grateful that He is such an awesome God who loves us so incredibly much. I can't fathom the depth of His love and mercy ~ His tenderness is such a comfort and joy. I pray that each time any of us are in a "dark" area of our life, we recall His compassion and faithfulness to us ~ and that we experience that assurance that only He can provide. Bless you all.

A Tribute to Laura...

I have a very dear friend from college, whose sister struggled her entire life with the limitations of cystic fibrosis. She wrote a book about her journey while an adult which was incredibly inspiring and transparent. She passed on last November after nearly 40 years of life. She lived fruitfully in many senses of the word, and loved to experience her life versus be a bystander as many of us tend to be. My girlfriend had much to carry as a sister who loved deeply and sacrificed, as well, on many levels. Following the funeral, I wrote this poem ~ I had not looked at it and edited it until recently. It is my heart for my girlfriend Julianne, her brother Sean, and their sister, Laura. Bless all who have ever lost a family member to a slow progressing illness...

The burden falls on family
of children “born to die,”
encumbered with their suffering ~
Helpless, yet close by

The heaviness of dis-ease
is but for One to bear.
Heavy-laden, tortured hearts
haunt all close by who care.

Joyousness loses ground;
Walls are built up high
Somehow it isn’t fair to live;
One loved will surely die.

Sharing, laughing, fun together,
Always finding time…
Within our hearts; constant thoughts
What is purposed, Thine?…

Then the “what if” dreams of joy,
so many thoughts of trade…
Gladly we’d give a day, or more
to see our sister saved…

How fair is it for one to struggle ~
So young and innocent.
How fair is God, who says He’s love,
Yet allows such pain, we vent…

But God knows best, His mighty plan,
that we aren’t blessed to see…
The way our sister touches those
whose lives are not in He…

Dear Laura lit a way for some
who never would have known…
Our Savior died to rescue us,
and now sits on the throne.

Spirit tells us He is real;
He wields a mighty hand.
The days we live are not for us,
His love has greater plan.

He seeks redemption of all men,
He seeks our hearts for His.
If more were saved by Laura’s grace,
than this is why she lived.

Unsettled...

Does anybody else feel somewhat neurotic with pain when their children are floundering in the wrong directions??! I am broken down and resting in God's mighty hands daily right now with my heart heavy with the burden my children are walking through. It is not my walk, of this I am aware, but my heart hurts with their hurts. I long to take them in my arms and will away their struggles...I pray God comforts, convicts, supports, and empowers them each day...which I am most certain He does in His own way and plan, but I see and hear their pain and my heart grieves.

My three oldest children have walks of challenge ~ different, yet similar. Each struggling to find his or her identity, each struggling to feel valued and competent. I PRAY (oh, how I pray) that they will find their El Shaddai...and turn to Him for restoration and renewal, but they linger at the waters of the world, and fall into the pits of frantic behaviors alternating with anger and acting out. My step children, I cannot help physically but can always pray (and I KNOW how powerfully God's Spirit can move, so I don't feel hopeless)...I just long to comfort them and be more continually supportive to their needs. But, they live in another state, with another set of parents and a different set of circumstances than we live with here. I am deeply sad that I grew up with such wonderful family life and can't share that with children I love on a daily basis...I know it makes a great difference in the willingness to trust our hearts to our Maker...El Roi...The One who sees all...It feels so unfair for them my heart breaks at times...I long for them to know family the way I do...

My oldest daughter from my first marriage is struggling with her own set of anger issues related to a multitude of things; I am not quite sure she even understands them or knows from whence they came. We have prayed together and sought the Lord's understanding and comfort, but this is such a process, and I can't walk it for her as it is her learning for His glory...His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Of His plan for her, I know little. She stuggles with learning many conceptual type things ~ My husband and I are convinced she has a learning disability of sorts, but it isn't something the school would test for since she functions competently (e.g. A's and B's on report cards mostly). However, she is my brightest child; quick mind and fast learner since birth , but cannot synthesize and process information quickly nor grasp concepts without a lot of help and varied learning approaches (most of which we do at home after school each day).

What takes most kids twenty minutes to learn often takes her an hour or more ~ she feels frustrated and "dumb" ~ she "knows" she should know how to do it as her mind is quick but confused. I wish I could find that magic button for her. She has struggled with ADHD since birth. Organization, planning, sitting still, listening...all require tremendous energy for her. The higher she goes in school, the more exhausted she is when she gets home (and the more homework she must embrace after school). We can't even let her play before working because she gets too tired to think by after dinner...it is a catch 22.

So, I work with her ~ try to encourage, get frustrated at the fights to focus and apply to homework (she'd rather forget it exists most of the time), get frustrated that I can't just agree with her and send her outside with her sisters, wish I could do more, and at the same time wish I didn't have to do so much. A fine tightrope we walk...

This week with my children's struggles in Florida to stay focused, want to apply themselves to learning and to feel like their life really matters, coupled with some really bad days my gal here had in school late last week and again last night and this morning (lots of acting out last night and this morning), I am tired.

Lord, I trust You with my children. I know You alone can raise them the way you have laid out for them. Lead me Oh Lord, in my walk alongside each child. Prompt and guide me in what I should say and do... direct my spirit and quiet my heart as I seek to love my children Your way, in Your power, with Your tenderness and mercy...and also Your strength and discipline. Bless you, Yeshua ~ the Anointed One...anoint me in this journey of motherhood. Amen.

Crock Pot Mom...

A few people have asked me "What on earth does 'crock pot mom' mean?" I had one gal tell me she visited my site because she thought it would have recipes. I guess I could post recipes, but my crock pot ones that I use when at work are not that exciting...

When I was deciding upon an "identity" and had been given so many warnings about not posting names online (this was a couple of years ago when I first began blogging), I tried to find a name that best reflected who I was ~ as God would name us. Honor is the name God gave me years ago when I was meditating upon what He would rename me. That one is a tough one, and I am not yet walking fully within it, plus I struggle with being judged still and don't want to add to the ammunition possible by people who float on by...

Regardless, at the time I selected the name, I was fairly immersed in major struggles with blending families with my husband. We were in the fiery furnace and didn't see freedom anywhere close...but I trusted God with all of my heart that in the midst of the heat, something fabulous would emerge, glorifying HIM fully.

When merging families, often the blender effect is chosen - all pieces get thrown together and shaken, sliced/diced and forced into a creamy mixture that resembles a wonderfully smooth drink. Any who have made smoothies know that sometimes what it appears to taste like (e.g. good, sweet, refreshing) is quite the opposite once all the parts have disappeared into "oneness." That is not the best answer for families. I believe this can lead to a sour mixture as well ~ though surface may look great. Microwaving is also an option - just put everything in and cook from the inside out. That is when we expect everyone to change their interiors to match what we want to be outside...but it is forced and harsh. Leaving a bit of a rubbery stamp upon the full effect...tougher to chew on and drier to taste...

In the crock pot, all parts are placed in and allowed to stew together slowly, simmering at the rate required for each piece...slowly, over time, a wonderful blend of indgredients emerges into a satifsying meal ~ with each piece playing a specific part. As the cooking is happening, things are added or subtracted easily to adjust the "flavor" and "texture" for a dilectable final masterpiece. I believe that God has our family in His crock pot...tendering us each in our own time, knitting us together in His master plan ~ adjusting flavors and amounts as needed ~ for a divine creation. I trust Him as Creator of all the best things, and I believe as we submit to his loving "cooking" we can become far more than we would have imagined.

Bless you all as you undergo the fires of purifying our Lord provides...enjoy the ride ~ it is an awesome privelege and experience~

The Rain Has Been Good To My Yard...

My absolute favorite flowers are Shasta Daisies. They have such joy, purity and brightness about them. :0) I wish I could grow them; these in the pic are ones I bought. I have yet to be successful with this type of plant. However, my other plants are doing well. I have returned today to continue to share the beautiful photos of my flowers. I took some more yesterday after the rain. Everything is so vivid after rainshowers. God is AWESOME.

Because these each stand alone so well, and I took several different angle pics of my morning glories (which have a really neat/unique center design), I am going to post a "morning glory day" in the future. Be prepared for more joy. Below include a zinnia, tiny blue and purple flowers whom I cannot name at the moment (I have forgotten; they are new this year), blackeyed susan, coleus, and purple coneflower.

In my previous post, because the pics are mid-sized, you can't quite see the spider at the center of my cosmos. However, it is a neat shot - a white spider on the inside left...see if you can find it. :-) If you click on the cosmos, you can get it up close (and even see the neat star design of some of the pistils). Be blessed today in His creation!

Beauty Unveiling...

Okay folks, here they are...as promised...actual photos of my current flowers, in bloom...

The rosebud is first, as they are still budding and blooming thankfully. :-) Next the bachelor buttons and cosmos...

Okay, my kids need me now so I will have to finish this post later. Enjoy the starter pics. :-)

Ray of sunshine

I love the centers of flowers, so I take many pictures of them ~ there is something beautiful about the way a flower is developed from bud to blossom. This pic was taken awhile ago and as I was sifting through some pics trying to find a blank disc to take some photos thsi morning, I decided to post it ~to remind myself that even the delicate flowers grow in our area. I am currently reworking my garden, cutting many dead flowers and nurturing what remains, hoping to eke out a few more weeeks of color. We are in the difficult time in Virginia; plants are either scorched for a couple of days by indian summer heat, or covered in frost through the night never to recover from the cold...I pray as the plants adjust to the varying temperatures, their growing time returns a bit. What blessing it always is to sit and visit Creation in one's own front (or back) yard. Be blessed today. ;-)