Wanted to share ~

I recieved this email today, and found it particularly touching. I think I am tender these days toward many things, but still was blessed by the Spirit of love and good that still dwells in our world.

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service. Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died
yesterday and is with you in Heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog, even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to
play with balls and to swim. I am sending you a picture of her so that when you see her, you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, "To Meredith," in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,



Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me, just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter, and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day, and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am easy to find, I am wherever there is love.


Love,
God

Be Still My Anxious Thoughts...

I am currently in one of those "zones" ~ feeling disjointed from most things in my life, not sure what my role is, what my purpose is, what value I possess in my daily routine for God...what I am supposed to be doing for and with my children, what I am supposed to be doing for the next school year (I have to make decisions in the next couple of weeks)...it is a sad time, though not scary as it may have been years ago ~ just strangely empty. He is dissolving ties to all things but Himself.

I know God is preparing a new thing ~ I wish I had a handle on which direction I should face (yes, I am facing Him, but He is not sharing right now re: His plan). I continue to amble along in my daily routine, seeking the Lord's joy in each moment. Seeking to rest in Him and hold thought and speech until it is necessary (I do this better at home, when I get around people I find that I talk more; I am feeling pretty lonely/disconnected from other women in this season).

I am finding more and more passion for reading my Bible. I am finding more more time devoted in prayer. These are wonderful changes that God has wrought which I have been praying for for some time, but am still experiencing anxiety and shifting heart thoughts. I know this is a growth process; God creating in me availability for Himself to fill those spaces I used to fill with other things, but it is not comfortable. I pray He moves quickly, but then again, I know that when He has transformed my moments, I will scarcely remember how "long" it took. He is so gracious to us.

My greatest stumbling block right now has to do with my children. For years I have wanted to be a stay at home mom. God has been moving me closer and closer to that ideal in the recent years; shifting me from 25 hours per week to 18 to 9 this year. It has been my heart's desire since I was a child. My mom stayed home and it blessed me so. Though I am working only during the hours my kids are in school (and I am so grateful for this), I find that it pulls me in so many directions. With the schedule demands I am more tapped out than I prefer, and cannot be the home mom I experience desire to be, nor the worker I could fully be...a bit of me for everywhere. This year has been best at home, though most confusing at work, with the changes. I have enjoyed voluteering at my kids' schools, and bible study time with other ladies ~ as well as keeping our home a bit better and beginning to bake and experiment more in the kitchen.

Christmas break was such a joy that this is hitting me more strongly now. I did not want to go back to work after the holidays; it felt like a foreign imposition. It was like pouring ice water on my routine and comforts. I have been giving that back to God to find His purpose in my work, as He called me to it this year ~ but I am even feeling an outsider at my job as well. Because of the limited time there, I am not connected nor fully engaged in what is happening and what is needed. It is a bit confusing, though I have found some ways that work.

The biggest challenge I face right now is planning for next fall. My almost four year old will be in her last year of preschool. We have the option of keeping her where she is, adding Fridays to her routine. This would continue to allow me a day at home by myself for devotional time, errands, and housework. Her preschool runs 9-2 and I work roughly 9:15 - 1:45. I take her to school shortly after my older kids get on their bus, and then try to leave work in time to get her (often I am late picking up, even if I leave right on time; it is about 1o miles). If she attended there next year, I could still be income providing, working three or four days per week, but would have at least one day at home available for volunteering with the other girls, house stuff, etc. The only problem with this option is that we are not certain it is the best spiritual environment for her, and the programs locally which we like only run 9-12 which does not allow me to work (not that I mind that, but economically this would be a stretch; right now half of what I earn pays for preschool).

Our second option, which my husband prefers, is to have her attend preschool at the private school where I work. While the curriculum and environment are good, the cost is very high. If I were to work Monday through Friday, within the hours of their preschool program (8:45-1:15), I could be qualified as "full time" and then she would get a 75% tuition break. We would then be paying roughly what we are paying now for her school. The only major challenge would be on my emotional and physical stress in increasing my work hours so dramatically. God can fill me where I am challenged, I know...I just don't really want to be on this type of demanding schedule. It is very selfish of me, and I am working on letting my desires go.

The looming issue that colors these decisions is my oldest daughter's need for more support and structure. She currently struggles with many things. Next fall she has to change elementary schools due to rezoning, then middle school begins in the fall 2009. I am strongly inclined to home school her through these years of insecurity and incredible challenge in order to respond to her needs, let God build her back up and help her stabilize. Her dad (my former husband), though not for home schooling, has not refused the idea when I have mentioned it to him. This, in and of itself, is amazing. But, I don't know if this is God's plan.

I guess I really just want to be home full time, and this is where I am stumbling. I am double minded, which God calls us not to be. I feel obligated to my work, and do know how helpful the talents and wisdom God has given me are in this environment. I serve and support many children and families. I do enjoy my job when I am actively working in it...but I enjoy my family so much as well. I have sought His face, but hear little about next year (which isn't surprising, as He tends to give me today or perhaps next week at the most when I ask).

This anxiety began when my boss called me last Tuesday evening to ask if my youngest could be tested at school on Wednesday for the preschool entry. I had been praying for God's direction. I had discussed the possibility with my boss (she has been trying to get me to come full time, full hours, and bring all three kids for awhile), but hadn't been pushing the issue. Now the decision time is near. I am wondering if this is God working, or if it is not. Discernment eludes me.

While I have full faith in our awesome Creator, and trust Him to fix anything I might choose to do out of His will (as He promises in Romans 8:28) I am too close to this issue to hear well (or perhaps too wishful for what I want to listen). I have asked my husband to bear the burden of decision. I have let him know how that I have not been able to discern anything because of my emotionality and would prefer if he would just tell me what he believes God is calling us to do. This has taken the burden off of my mind, but not my heart. I pray for God's peace in my heart. I still struggle at times about this, confused as to what desires God placed in my heart, and what desires I came up with on my own. I know He desires us to be mothers and help mates first, but each of us are on a differing journey tailored to share His light and glory with others. His plan may be for me to work. I am okay with this if I can just find the peace of knowing it is Him...I will absolutely fully embrace whatever is decided, but in the time of preparing and seeking guidance. I so desperately don't want to miss hearing His call.

If you have the mind to pray for me, please pray that my mind and heart be available to His will in this situation, and for clarity, truth, and peace to resound. I want to be a servant to my Lord alone, and not to the wills of my heart. Thank you, may He bless you abundantly ~

The Nativity Story

I was blessed to finally watch "The Nativity Story" on New Year's Day. I had purchased it before Christmas, with visions of snuggling in with all five kids and my husband to view it Christmas Eve. Since we opted to attend a Church service that evening, I had it on anticipatory hold. Next year I hope we can all watch it together for Christmas...it is worthwhile.

What an incredibly touching visual commentary. To know the story of Christ's descent into humanity through Mary, as recorded in Luke's gospel primarily, is good head knowledge. To see the characters in light of ourselves, and bear witness to their possible struggles, fears, emotions and thoughts... it was deeply moving.

While I don't know that the writer's words and emotional typecasts were fully accurate, they certainly could not have been too far from real. In the birthing scene, after Joseph had searched frantically for a room, there lay Mary in agonizing pain amidst hard rocks, animals and darkness...the cry of life and light entered ~ my whole being was touched by the simplicity, yet sacredness of it all. What humility and grace ~ knowing that God did this for me. Knowing that Mary bore this for me (her words in the movie to Joseph after Jesuse was born went something like "how do you think we will know when it is time? Will it be a word, a certain look in His eyes..."). I have often pondered what may have been her heart's thoughts and cries, this movie gave light to many angles I had never considered. Joseph's comment "I don't know if there will be anything I can teach Him"...speaks to the wonder and helplessness of us all in light of God's magnificence and holiness.

When the movie ended, I was deeply humbled. I went into my bedroom, fell onto my knees, and wept profusely. There I remained for many minutes continuing to cry while pouring out prayers of supplication, gratitude, and adoration for all that our Lord is and all that He has done for me ~ Oh, that I could only be blessed to be called His servant ~ may I be all that He intends...

If You Are Not For Me...

You are against me...

This has been resonating in my mind and heart so much lately. Not so much about myself, though I do see parallels in my own life that suggest this may be true in many arenas...but in God's domain it absolutely carries weight.

I have been taken on an ever deepening journey these past few weeks. I have been led to read many books by prophets, visionaries and intellectuals (books of the Bible as well as Christian books interlaced with much scripture). I am finding more and more that there really is only One Truth. On top of that, I am clearly seeing God's justice and mercy as the two edged sword of His Word. As I am coming to a clearer undestanding of His truths, I am sensing how easily we can grieve His Spirit; we are in constant rebellion - especially in the little things. I find myself seeking God all day long, much more naturally and without cognizant planning, but as I draw nearer, I am finding more clearly how quickly some of my choices can take me away from hearing, or even desiring to listen and obey. Even simple choices, like when to stop eating the sweets and treats that have surrounded me during the holidays. I am a sucker for junk food, and tend to be quite disciplined by the grace of God alone. When I start eating sweets, I lose that discipline so quickly; once I begin to feed my fleshly appetites, they rear up with boldness.

God has been speaking to me about His Majesty ~ His Almighty, Everlasting, Beyond our Imagining, POWER, GRACE, LOVE, MERCY. I have become saddened by how we so often fail to give Him the reverence He desires and deserves. We so quickly limit who God is and box Him in to fit our own vision or understanding. HE is so much more than we can grasp! We are often complacent, even as faithful Christians, in our faith journey...picking and choosing what we will listen to from His Word rather than seeking His Word for all things in our lives. Before I sound legalistic, I want to say that I do understand that we are called to listen and follow God's plan for our inner transformation as He has the timing and purpose of each step; this is not what I am speaking about. I learned my lesson long ago that He needed to convict me of changes He was seeking in my life, that I might repent and He might transform. At that time I was driving myself crazy trying to be what I understood He wanted (from His Word) rather than resting in Him. However, there are many things that we could do to stay on path with God, "continuing to work out our salvation with fear and trembling."

The main thing God has shown me is that we must learn what it means to really REVERE HIM. He alone is Holy and He alone is Worthy. We often take for granted that He has given us His Holy Spirit, to dwell within us under the New Covenant in Christ (rather than His dwelling in the Tabernacle or Temple). Our bodies are now each His temple...but are we actually preparing a place where Holiness can reside? In the Old Testament, God's glory never descended until the locations He chose were ordered by His design, and prepared Holy to His specification - down to the last detail. I have to ask myself, am I choosing to live a holy and obedient life in my mind and heart? Do I make sure to consecrate my temple so that the Holy Spirit can dwell within? What fellowship has darkness with light? And holiness with that which is unholy? The Israelites feared speaking to God face to face for the understanding that they would die due to their unholiness. Are we missing the power of the Lord in our lives in this day because we have made common what is holy ~ reverence and worship for our Creator and King? How often do we recall that not only is Jesus our Savior, but also our LORD? How set apart are we?

Each choice I make will either draw me closer to God, or closer to the world. We are called to be in the world, but not of it. How often I become of the world while walking within it. How often I excuse simple sins and assume that it is okay because I am forgiven by Christ and I truly Love the Lord. Is this right?? I just bought a book about this very issue, I can't recall the title but it has something to do with "acceptable sins." But is any sin acceptable in light of God's holiness?

I have been learning to ask myself, do I love Christ as Logos ~ an intellectual pursuit and understanding of His Word, or do I love Him because of Rhema ~ a heart rendered divinely revealed understanding of who He is...the great I AM. I believe we need to love Him as both, but I also equally believe that we cannot truly say that we love Him without having experienced divine revelation of Him in our hearts. And, if we don't have divine revelation in our hearts, is He really our Lord and Savior?

This comes to me as this vision; Have we come to stand at the foot of the cross, where the blood Christ shed for us has dripped down upon us, covering us as it had been sprinkled on the mercy seat each year in the Holy, Holy, Holy? Have we seen the agony and love in His precious face and understood how broken and fallen we are in this world, ever grateful and thankful for His incredible gift of love and mercy ~ despite our darkness...or, do we continue to stand at a distance and watch Him upon that cross, understanding the sacrifice but not being close enough to have our hearts pierced by the truth and depth of what has been given...unable to fall upon our faces for lack of understanding...

When I was a younger Christian, a lady told me that people were either for God or for Satan. She said it was black and white. I argued with her about this ~ it really angered and offended me at that time. As I have come to understand the spiritual battle that rages, and the search God has on earth for men he can use who will be completely for Him, I understand that the words she spoke were truth. Am I for God, or am I for myself? It is a tough question. Intellectually and in my heart I am absolutely, unequivocably, FOR God with all that I am. I pray this in earnest daily. However, as I continue my journey of refinement and renewal, I realize how far I am from living this truth. I see how this is not acted out in all of my choices, thoughts and actions. I am shown how often I am not for Him in how I choose to behave, react, or think. It is so clear how desperately we truly need our Savior. Blessedly, He knows me better than I know myself, and understands this aspect of my life. However, the choice to will it is entirely my own. God is a gentleman and will never go where He is not invited, nor will He overpower my will, even if I ask Him to, if something is really not yet released "for Him."

I pray this year, 2008, I may grow more and more FOR our precious Lord with each and every thought, action, and step forward in my life. I pray all who read this post grow more and more in their own intimacy with God and that His Rhema may pierce their souls ~ May He Bless you all through this New Year.

A Wonderful Night

On Sunday night this past weekend, we took the kids to see "The Living Christmas Tree. "This event is put on by the church my husband and I met at in town. It is the seventh season; and surely was the "perfect" production this year.

This is a very tall (several stories high) board, garland and light, tree which has tiers of persons standing within, singing the story of Christ's birth. The music and lights were phenomenal. This year's musical selection was my favorite thus far (we have been several times). In the past, the pastor of the church had read from Luke throughout the performance, accentuating the songs and carols. This year, the scripture was put to music and taken from not only Luke but also John, Isaiah, Psalms and others. What an incredible blessing of praise and joy and thanksgiving to our Lord.

I am so grateful that the Methodist Church in our community has offered this each year. I was working at the church the year the idea was pitched and the costs were discussed. It involved tremendous investment up front, but the fruits have more than been worth it. What a blessing to our Lord ~ orchestra, band and song all wrapped up in praising Him hour after hour, day after day. Thank you, dear sweet participants, for your gift of time and love. We were blessed.

Star or Angel??

Growing up, we had a tinsel star atop of our Christmas tree. I remember the anticipation each year after we had finished dressing the tree, my dad would get out the star topper and place it up high. We then would turn all the tree lights on and ooh and aah at our masterpiece. As we children got older, my dad continued to be the one to place the star upon the tree ~ pointing the way to Bethlehem (well, at least that is how I like to see it now, back then it was just "the star").

When I was single, I couldn't find a star I liked as well as the one I had growing up. They had become plastic and commercialized in such a way they didn't feel right to me. I decided to go wtih an angel, who held in her hands a string of white lights on garland. She was beautiful and I truly enjoyed her - especially as she lit up and matched the other lights on our tree. During my first marriage, we continued to use this little angel. She was simple in a world of over the top, and I loved that.

Fast forward to marriage number two. My husband did not have a tree separate from his mother's house or girlfriends prior to our marriage ~ he did not take any of the ornaments from his first marriage and his kids did not know of any specific traditions that they needed to maintain. He had used angels in the past, but was not bent upon this tradition. We used my angel the first two years, but I began to sense it was time for a change. With new marriage, there should be new traditions. Our blended family needed to have something special that reflected us ~ something that was new for us and unifying.

Two years ago (we are now celebrating our fifth Christmas together), we stopped using my angel. We considered many options but none really jumped out as "the one." That year the tree top remained bare, though the tree was still lovely and filled with ornaments that have such meaning and are treasures. The topper was not missed; as personal as our tree is, using something "just because" would have been wrong. We left it for that year.

Last year, I again went seeking angels or stars to see what might fit our family tree. I brought a few home, only to be returned as not quite right. My husband was not as worried about this as I was, but I just wanted something to top our tree. I finally took a large purple bow (I had bows throughout the house), ribbed in gold, and placed it atop the tree. To me the bow represented the gift of Christ, His royalty and His Majesty. The gift we can unwrap whenever we so choose. It was pleasing to me then. It fit last year's theme in our home ~ unwrapping Christ in our lives.

This year, as we decorated the tree ~ I again was seeking that perfect star or angel that we could use. I had forgotten the bow in the time between seasons. As I looked at our completed tree which the kids did most of the decorating on this year, it was beautiful. I even enjoy the three ornament per branch surrounding the base of the tree, courtesy of our youngest two. I was touched again by the simple beauty of things that last ~ family ornaments, kid made ornaments, nativities and crosses, angels and white house ornaments ~ a beautiful arrangement of blessing. While I was enjoying the tree, my husband went seeking ~ he pulled out the purple bow and placed it at the top of the tree. He reminded me that we had done that last year and he had liked it ~ Praise God...a new tradition. Who would have thought a simple inspiration would bring blessing year after year.

From our home to yours, Merry Christmas ~ May the gift of our Savior, His incredible sacrifice of emptying Himself of godliness to take the form of child in a world of sin and ugliness, warm your heart and bring peace and joy to your spirit through this season.

The Power of Prayer~

God has been taking me on an incredible journey over the past few years, increasing His wisdom in my life related to the awesome privelege and power of intercession and prayers of the saints. He has been growing me in understanding and using me in many ways that have been so incredible to witness. He has called me deeper into Him that I might understand the source of power in our lives, the truth of His vision (versus ours which is oh so limited), and the incredible LOVE He has for each one of us, wherever we are upon the path toward accepting His gift of righteousness....I have witnessed healing miracles following prayer, I have seen incredible transformation and redemption drivin by the Holy Spirit for those whom I thought may never know Him...it has been breathtaking and awe inspiring.

Over Thanksgiving, He gave me the privilege of sharing this experience with my husband. My daughter had awoken Thanksgiving morning with a stomachache and a fever that was spiking to 103.2. She had come barreling into our bedroom crying; she was supposed to go to her dad's that morning and hated feeling so sick. I immediately began praying for her healing and God prompted me to go get my husband (he was tending to the other ten people who were living in our home that week). Wherever two or more are gathered, in agreement with God, amazing things can happen ~ (I believe amazing things happen, anyway, but God was teaching me this day about his power of two) ~ I told my husband what God had spoken and he came and began praying over his stepdaughter. As we laid hands on her in prayer, the fever began to break. We sang a couple of praise songs over her (He always gives me a song after prayer for healing; I am not sure why, but I love it) and in a few moments, she was transformed to health again. Praise Him for His mighty works!

Of course, the great ending was my husband experienced such grace and amazement, and her father was given the truth of the morning (he is not a believer). May the seed He has sown continue to work in my former husband's heart and not be cast away. Amen? Hallelujah. God is so good! To Him be the Glory forever and ever ~