Musings

MUSINGS

Tears freely flow

From puddles to gulleys;

Grooves etched into the tree...

Inner torments,

Conflicting thoughts;

Nobody really sees "me"

Dutiful daughter, beloved friend

Words, but what do they mean?

Mother, teacher, encourager...

Now that's a pretty fine scene.

More designations, marring the canvas...

Painting an odd shade of gray,

Selfish, ugly, controlling, unkind

Even abusive, "they" say.

Do labels define me? I wonder anew,

As contradictory words are spoken...

And if they do, which ones are true?

Surely some are broken...

How can I be each of these?

"I don't understand," I sigh

I just want to be happy and free

But life simply will not comply...

"You bring it on yourself," they say;

Those who "know" more than I...

"Change your attitude, Fix your behavior"

"I would...," is my reply;

I would, but how? I silently muse,

Feeling more trapped by the day...

"You're unfixable, a mess," my mind screams to me;

Everyone else knows "the way."

More pain wells up, futility leers,

My thoughts are filled with deep shame ~

My soul turns to winter, cutting off life;

I'm surely no match for this game...

Numbing winds howl, chilling my bones

As ice slowly forms in my heart;

The cracks in the path have frozen somehow,

Roughly resembling fine art.

But oh, as they freeze, something happens inside;

With pressure that's too strong to bear...

I had forgotten how water expands

Each time it's mixed with cold air ~

Those cracks, they get wider, and light starts to shine,

Exposing what lies below ~

Rigid exterior, atop pliant fields

A tender voice beckons, "Let go."

Let go of the lies, the voice seems to say,

Ever so softly and kind

You've hurt far enough and struggled so hard,

It's time for a fresh change of mind.

This voice carries wisdom, authority,

And palpable presence, to boot...

Much firmer and clearer than any I've heard,

Quite passionate with its pursuit ~

Its tenderness ministers a new type of thought;

Whispering words, "Oh child, I have seen"

You may think you are all that they say,

But they really know not what they mean.

The other reality, behind the veil

Holds so much more than you've heard

How glorious its colors and sweet its sounds ~

How remarkable it's Word..

Not meant to be depicted by others,

Nor constrained by false words of man...

I am your Master, Creator and Friend ~

I'm in all, I'm glorious, I AM

As to the failings that you perceive,

Oh daughter, it delights me so ~

You see my child, you weren't meant to be

All that's needed to manage your show...

No, precious one, you're intended for more

Oh, so much more than you know...

You were fashioned to climb a mountain so high

And run races some choose to forego...

You were made to reflect My beauty and joy

Far beyond your external shell;

Sharing love deeper than man's understanding

A love only I know so well ~

Temperance and virtue for your resting place,

Joy and delight in your play...

Peace is your gift to My precious world

Oh Child, let Me light the way...

Lift high your head and raise up your eyes,

Know My pleasure, and dance

Rejoice as you see, you really are free;

Released from all happenstance.

Released of the burdens your labels have brought

Unconstrained by non-entity

No longer imprisoned by shackles and chains

Apprised of identity...

I Am here, I Am real, and I love you so

Stop believing the lies and the mocking...

You are precious beloved, blessed and assured,

Oh why can you not hear Me knocking?

Don't let the world deceive your sweet mind,

Don't let "them" drive you down ~

You are a daughter of the King of Kings

And within you, My heart is your crown.

Be free, my child, walk proudly in Me,

Knowing that all this is true

For I am not a man who can lie,

And I purposefully created you ~

Know you are loved, Know I am near

Find rest in Me each new day ~

Walk in My Spirit, drink of My fountain

To Me all of life is play ~

Be pleased to frolic, take delight in joy ~

You need shed not one tear;

I gave My only Son for you,

That I might draw you near.

I gave Him for you,

That you could live;

I gave to conquer lies...

I gave Him that

We might share life;

And this is no surprise...

For Artists love their handiwork;

They revel in it so;

And I love you, sweet daughter

I truly want you to know.

Know in your heart, and in your mind...

Discern from head to toe~

So when the storms of life appear,

Your tears will have new flow;

They'll flow of life,

And flow of hope,

They'll flow in peaceful joy~

For in your trials and sufferings

You'll come to know

My Boy ~



Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude

     Isn't it funny that sometimes we don't realize how much has changed in our lives or spirit until we look back and review where we once were, as compared to where we are now? 2 Corinthians 3:18 We all, with unveiled faces, are looking as in a mirror at the glory of the Lord and are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory; this is from the Lord who is the Spirit. 


    For instance, recent efforts at signing in to my blogger dashboard took me an inordinate amount of time. I didn't realize I had somehow created two different sign-ins for my Google accounts, and couldn't figure out why the dashboard I was logged into did not have my blog accessible.  The last time I posted on this page, save for the most recent posting on surrender, it was still affiliated with BlogSpot; Google had not yet assimilated the program. It probably would have been easy for another person to discover the glitch, but, because of my limited clarity with computer information and ease of confusion, it took me quite a bit longer.




  I was talking with a dear friend about the many changes in life, and how we are able to walk through them even when they were not just confusing, but produce deep feelings that can be difficult to bear, let alone understand... This man is a friend who has many verses committed to memory from his years in bible study and walking with the Navigators, so I had followed up by texting him, asking for a verse that he might share with me that I could find rest in...one that would speak to my particular need we had been discussing.  I was finding it challenging with the vacillation between being 100% at peace some days, and then walking in the dark places on others ~ forgetting "who" I was and to Whom I belonged. We were at odds in opinion about my desire for scripture to draw me back to truth, and his belief that we need to not limit ourselves with scripture in and of itself, which many people do, but to go beyond that into Whom is being expressed, and to what the verses are pointing - that being relationship with our Lord...the deep things of the Spirit ...




He expressed to me something I found quite encouraging, so wanted to share it here ~




You see, my dear, once those "goads" have settled into the region of the heart - we receive "eyes to see" with ...eyes to see things too wonderful to put to words ...and one day, when we've grown accustomed to seeing His words show up illustrated in a moment that wows us, we just keep looking for more...He never ever ceases. But then, we forget now and again, don't we - all of us. And in that place we're in need of reminding. It comes back to us in special ways and in special moments, fitted for our unique soul's pining and our need in that particular space of time. And when we realize - are reminded of - can once again see - He becomes all the more precious to us. We are either light or impediments to the light for others, aye, even we, to see His heart for us and a love so deep. We are drowning in it at any moment...if we stop long enough to listen, to see His heart for us.

 
"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you - For I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you - surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 
Isaiah 41:10                            


The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles.  The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit 
Psalm 34:17-18                                                       

 "The Lords loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassion never fails. They are new every morning. How great is Thy faithfulness.          

Lam. 3.22-23

 "Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you. And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of Justice, how blessed are all those who long for Him"          

 Isaiah 30.18

 These are a few of the apples of gold on settings of silver tucked away in my heart, to remind me "He ain't a gonna  go no where's"   

I hope these bring encouragement to anybody reading as well - they sure did to me in that moment, and continue to as I read them again right now.


Not too many years ago I would not have considered looking to the Word for my source of value, security, adequacy, love and acceptance.  Nor would I have sought encouragement from friends who walked so closely with God.  When I was hurting or confused. I would have turned to other things to answer my heart's cries.  However, I have come to discover that those things were always, ultimately, empty vessels providing "peace in moment" or assurance as long as they were present, but they didn't answer the deep longings of my heart... I was seeking the One who provides all answers, and fills our every need.


 I am ever so grateful for the changes He has wrought in me, as I walk from glory to glory in His presence, surrounded by His love, guided by His Spirit within who continues to speak ever so tenderly to me in a moment...."this is the way, walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)


May the Lord bless you
    and protect you.
²⁵ May the Lord smile on you
    and be gracious to you.
²⁶ May the Lord show you his favor
    and give you his peace.’ (Numbers 6:24-26)

Walking in Surrender

I have been really seeking to understand "surrender" the past few months...and what that really means in light of life in Christ...

So many truths have resonated within me ... truths that I am not my own...I was bought with a price ... God has purpose for me that is beyond my comprehension, and He desires to do more than I could ask or imagine...

But I don't always like the path

I don't always enjoy the plan...

His ways are definitely not my ways, and when He is doing a work in my life, as I place it in His hands, it can be a difficult process...for both of us.  For me because of the struggle to let go and yield, for Him because I know He doesn't desire the pain I end up creating in my own life when I struggle with the choices ~

As I have grown in my ability to hear God (through consecration, intimacy, time in the Word and prayer journaling), my willingness to surrender my life and desires to Him has expanded...but I have discovered something ~ God always wants more.  He is jealous for us.  He desires ALL of me...not just what I desire to give, not just what I am "willing" to do, but ALL...

This is a steep request.

It is one I rail against at times...

Especially when it is making me vulnerable and open to things I would rather avoid walking through; I often ask if there is a different way.  Surely, it would seem, there is an easier path...

Some days I want to go back to how it was before my heart got so deeply connected with His.

Some days I wish I could return to being the child of God who lived in love and trusted fully in His grace, but didn't know what I now know...so I could live a more self-absorbed life...

He holds us accountable to what He has revealed; the higher the willingness, the more is asked (of course, the more we are given as well)...

I asked to be One with Him.

I called out "Whatever Thy will is, Lord, may my will be Thine ~ Thy will be done..." Over and over during my last marriage and beyond...I said this to God day after day, year after year...

And, I have had some wonderful times celebrating Life in Him. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I have had some difficult times choosing to remain faithful to the call to love beyond understanding, thought His Spirit, versus retaliating, turning bitter, staying angry, retreating into self-protection or self-indulgence.  I wouldn't trade these either, for what I have learned and the intimacy that learning has afforded...

Oh, I have succumbed to times of retreat; days or months of falling off the path of "holiness" and indulging in sinful living, self-serving and self-comforting behaviors that felt good for a time and kept my mind off pain or hidden heart issues that threatened to knock me down...

But I always end up turning back to what is real ~ the source of Life; God.  He is the only One who brings true joy and true peace...and even when I am wrapped up in my self-indulgence and serving my own appetites and desires, there is a part of me that is not at rest.  Ultimately, I choose again to surrender.

It is at these times that I then have to walk through making the decisions being called for; the consequences of my running ~ peeling away from whatever choices I had been making, and re-submitting myself to His ways.  The process can be so painful ~ memories of previous times have kept me from falling as often in the recent years, the more I have grown in my understanding.

God really DOES have our best interests at heart.

Recently, I had asked Him to relieve me of a calling He had placed upon me.  What was once a wonderful thing that I had celebrated with Him and been tremendously blessed by became muddied.  The enemy of our souls got involved...began derailing my partner, and then myself.  God allowed this; I am sure for some type of training, though it really was NOT okay with me...

He told me to trust Him.

I wanted to run.

He said "No, abide in Me and I will give you the peace. I will give you the love. I will walk you through."

STEEP challenge...My heart was ripped out so many times, but each time He mended it back and covered me in His amazing Love. 

I re-submitted over and over rather than stepping my own way ~ I can imagine it was like trying to keep a hot-headed horse tethered; every couple of days, sometimes daily or hourly, I would cry, "No, Lord ~ Please let me avoid this path...I can't do it," and then a few breaths and prayers later ~"But You can ~  I don't really want to, please give me another way...but not my will, Lord, Thine."

It was a dance of intimacy and trust ~ I chose to believe His Words and visions (both scripture and Rhema He continued to provide) while walking in constant prayer, battling fear and hurt regularly, and barely making it in the natural some days...

His will actually began manifesting in early December ~ I was astounded that what He had shown and spoken to me was actually coming to pass.  What looked impossible in the natural, what I doubted and often asked Him to let me be free from, began to take shape. 

Chains were broken.

Captives set free.

Truth began to come forth ~ Light...

I began to breathe a bit less strenuously again, believing this season was finally coming to a close and I could resume an "easier" path once more, whatever that might look like.  No longer would I have to travail in intercession for this situation, daily placing my heart on the alter of His will, trusting God for all things and allowing Him to have His way in me ...His way appeared to be complete.

However, free will is real.

We all have choices.

Though He won the battle, He did not "win" the heart He was fighting for... As He fought, using myself and a friend as His instruments, the skirmish victorious, or so it appeared ~ but then darkness returned in greater measure.

God kept me on the path for a bit longer. I prayed for changes, I prayed for release, I prayed He would bring another to take my place ~ that His will would still be accomplished for each of our lives, but that I would not have to walk in the pain any more ~ it was just too much...

He would not release me.

He has recently changed His mind ~ not only releasing me from where He was holding me, but calling me to a 180 from where I was ~

I am grateful to be out of the midst of torment, but also extremely saddened by the cost and the outcomes.  I can only imagine how broken-hearted God must feel when we choose to not surrender to Him, as I am deeply and sorrowfully grieved for what has transpired.

 I known HE is the God of redemption.

He is the God of the impossible.

It isn't even His plan for me that is not being fulfilled ~ There is always a plan B for those who are submitted to Him...and, as a friend reminded me once, if plan A does not work because people choose not to get on board, He does not give us a steak knife in exchange for a Cadillac, He brings us the next "Best" thing ~

He can do anything ~ and will work all things together for good in my life, no matter others' choices, for I am wholly submitted to His purposes.

But surrender is hard.  So is resting in knowing that my friend has walked away from a calling, and will not be able to fulfill it in the direction they are headed

I am fighting against the desire for self-indulgence; for running and assuaging my grief and hurt in ways that would bring blessed relief for a time ... respite ...  There are many options presented before me. 

I was discussing them with God this afternoon while out in my yard collecting sticks for my wood stove.  I was kind of trying to coerce Him into seeing things my way, asking for a time of self-indulgence; after all, what could it hurt?...

I railed a bit when He impressed upon me the call to holiness and consecration, asking why others could do certain things yet I was not allowed to.

He reminded me that I was allowed to do anything I desired...He was not going to control me, nor stop me, if I would rather walk away...

I knew this was truth.

BUT, I also knew it was not His desire for me.  I got angry at the feeling of injustice. I got angry that He wouldn't make my life easier (I knew He could), and then I submitted to truth.

I LOVE GOD.  He has provided my life with so much meaning...Every day is much richer, more beautiful, more hopeful, and more joyful because God is my Father and King...

And I love serving ~ it brings joy to my heart.  It brings satisfaction to my life.  We are called to be servants; true and meaningful life is discovered in the many interruptions of pouring out for others...  As we yield our lives to giving sacrificially of ourselves, we discover Christ's love...our hearts become more like His.  It is an amazing transaction of grace.  

So, again I choose to surrender.  It isn't easy. The changes offered before me are not what I had anticipated, nor what I had hoped.  They are not what God had planned, either ~ but He will not force others, and I have learned not to manipulate situations or people to suit my preferences. 

God does not coerce, manipulate, nor control.  Any time there is time pressure, urgency, or a sense of coercion, we can know it is not of the Lord.  He is a gentleman in every sense.  His gentle whisper can be ignored, or it can be allowed to influence us to press in and trust more; to follow and see where He leads ~ no matter the cost.

I choose to follow, to walk surrendered...   How about you? 

When God Shows Up

Found this in my drafts...didn't realize it hadn't published...

Over and over lately the LORD has been dropping little notes of love into my lap as I walk through daily life.  So very many things have "gone wrong" in my home, with my car, in struggles with children, financially, emotionally...I can easily see that if I were the person whom I was a few years ago, life right now would be a very different reflection from my home ~

But, God has shown up again and again and again in my world. HE is so very faithful and true. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful...

Let me tell you about the most recent time ~ this weekend. I went out of town this weekend on a Ladies' retreat with some friends from a nearby church.  The teaching was on Isaiah 61: 1-3


1THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,


2To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] [a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,

3To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

It was a wonderful weekend; the speaker, Judi Rossi was a wonderful testimony of what God can do with a willing and submitted heart. She blesses women from coast to coast with her "Enhancing Your Marriage" ministries and Bible studies that she has written.  The worship leader was a young gal from Arizona who had a sweet and tender heart that just ushered God's Spirit into the room each time that she lifted her voice in prayerful petition...it was beautiful. 

I wasn't sure I could go on this retreat; things at home were pretty overloaded and chaotic, I was behind with my work tasks, and well beyond my need for sleep ~ but the LORD allowed me to complete some of my work on Friday through a series of unexpected events, and He encouraged me to travel. 

I left later than I was supposed to (the main group left at 11:30 a.m.; I was supposed to leave by 4 in order to arrive in time to check in and get set up for the first teaching session, I didn't depart my home until well after four and needed to stop by my office, which was on the way, before continuing the journey).  Because I was late, I didn't want to stop and gas up; I figured I had enough (nearly half a tank) to get me to the location and would worry about gasoline for the trip home. I even debated just quitting all together as I began to drive and hit some slow traffic; I thought my best bet would be to hole up at home and "pretend" to have gone so that I could get things accomplished without interruption...

God had other plans, so I continued onward on my journey.  My GPS did not register the town where the retreat was being held, so I programmed an intersection about ten miles from my destination and started on my way.  As I was nearing the intersection, my gas light went on in the car.  There were no other gas stations to be found at that point, and as I entered the last leg (after the intersection) I was on unlit, windy, mountainous roads ~ and not at all sure I was heading 100% in the right direction.  I phoned the facility but their telephones had been turned off for the night, and then I lost service to my cell...so I pressed on and prayed for God's provision.

When I arrived at the correct road, I discovered that the "camp" I was headed to was six miles up the road (I discovered this about 1/4 of the way up the mountain).  I prayed that the LORD would give my car good bearings (there was a beautiful drop off, with a peaceful river flowing below, to my right) and my gasoline would last long enough to get me there, as well as to bring me back to the nearest town the following day.

God brought me straight to the door of the retreat center. Check-in was amazingly easy, I was well in time for the session, and very blessed all evening.  I also discovered we had some free time scheduled for Saturday afternoon in which I could run the car down the mountain, find a gas station, and fill up (in case things in that area were not open on Sunday morning). 

Lunchtime Saturday - thus far a very meaningful encounter with the LORD in the teachings and fellowship and small groups, as well as a blessing of fellowship and relaxation....I asked the cafeteria staff about the nearest gas station. As they were discussing it, they decided upon a place called "The Junction" (which had recently begun taking credit cards so I wouldn't need cash, which was a praise).  However, within seconds, the gentleman whom I was speaking with shifted the topic and said to me ~ "You are really on empty?" I told him the story of the prior evening and how I just wanted to get there and then worry about it in the daylight, and he then offered to give me gas from their small tank that was used to fill the small vehicles they used around the facility...in thirty minutes (after he finished his chores), he was leading me to this small garage where he proceeded to fill my tank with 3 1/2 gallons of gas...I was blessed beyond measure and delighted with God's loving provision ~

Because of HIS provision I was also able to participate in the loosely structured afternoon activities (and witness an AMAZING testimony of God's faithfulness and love) as well as rest...the gas I received was actually enough to get me completely out of the mountains and back into a smaller town (about sixty miles) before I stopped at a "regular" station to fill the tank. I probably could have gotten almost home, but wanted to be more diligent on my return trip :-) 

He is just so good to us...and we miss it if we don't pay attention ~ I am so very thankful to have the LORD as my Savior, provider, and friend ~

Put You High Beams On

The past couple of months have been a bit overwhelming for me ~ I had long-term houseguests, repairs inside my home, extra work that impacted my already tight schedule, and several losses that have been emotionally draining...putting one foot in front of the other and keeping faith that the Lord is in control of all things has been my approach to each morning's greeting of sunrise ~ .  Needless to say, I have not been able to keep that mindset 100% of the time, and have found myself drifting off many a day into mulling ~

One evening a few weeks ago, when I was particularly tired and over-extended, I found myself driving very cautiously along a narrow, two lane road not far from my home.  My eyes were straining to monitor the edge of the road as I was feeling anxious about keeping the car from going too close (it drops off pretty sharply a few inches and can cut a tire or cause other challenges to safety). I do not always feel this way, on this particular road, though I do keep note of the boundaries, but that evening I was constrained in spirit.  My body was tighter and my eyes were straining as I was on severe energy drain. This posture was adding to my fatigue and causing more mental exertion which I was noticing from a somewhat secondary perspective ~

As the Spirit continued to prompt me to recognize what I was doing, and how it was actually making things worse instead of better, I was struck with the thought ~ "Put your high beams on" (I had avoided this earlier because I had met several other cars on the road when I had begun that stretch of driving)...as I flipped my high beams on, I found myself following the light ~  looking up and ahead, rather than just to the  front of my van.  My posture instantly relaxed as my hands loosened upon the wheel, and tension melted away. I found it much easier to drive again. 

Given the immediate change in perspective, I sensed the Lord's gentle whisper in my mind, carving a point out in the moment ~ "See, when you keep your eyes fixed on Me ~ looking up from your problems and allowing Me to show you the bigger picture, you are freed from the binding and tensions that come when you catch yourself fixated on things that are right front of you; tunnel vision is limited...take My perspective and Trust Me." 

What a blessed relief it was to be reminded that our Lord is always there, and He is larger than everything we face daily.  He delights in overseeing our lives, desiring to guide and direct at all times for our good and His glory.  If we would just choose to take our eyes off what is binding us down, in our limited vision, and look up, seeking for a fresh point of view ~ broader and more encompassing vision of what is truth around us, we would be much more able to face each day's challenges with relaxation and open focus.  How wonderful is our God!

In His Grip

So, I have been on an incredible faith-building portion of my journey over the past several months of life...and I must say, God has been alongside of me every step of the way; giving strength for the weary, shelter from the storms, supply and provision, and comfort as well as joy ~

Now, this may not come as a surprise to anybody, it certainly does not really "surprise" me - but it surely blesses my socks off..in so many tangible ways.  I can't even begin to list the number of things that have been thrown my way in a curve ~ and the Lord has been one step ahead of every single one; when I have turned my face toward Him, He was always already there :-)

"...I am not alone because the Father is with me."  John 16:32

"...The Lord is the strength of my life"  Psalm 27:1

"...The joy of the Lord is my strength"  Nehemiah 8:10

"...Be gentle to all, able to teach, patient..."  2 Timothy 2: 24

He Will Not Forsake His Saints

A Psalm of David

37:1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
2 For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. [2]
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
11 But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.

12 The wicked plots against the righteous
and gnashes his teeth at him,
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that his day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose way is upright;
15 their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.

16 Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
19 they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.

20 But the wicked will perish;
the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
but the righteous is generous and gives;
22 for those blessed by the Lord [3] shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.

25 I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread.
26 He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.

27 Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
29 The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.

30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks justice.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip.

32 The wicked watches for the righteous
and seeks to put him to death.
33 The Lord will not abandon him to his power
or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

35 I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
spreading himself like a green laurel tree. [4]
36 But he passed away, [5] and behold, he was no more;
though I sought him, he could not be found.

37 Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
for there is a future for the man of peace.
38 But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

39 The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
He is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
~Amen

Footnotes
[1] 37:1 This psalm is an acrostic poem, each stanza beginning with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet

God's Faithful Provision...in odd ways

In my last post I mentioned that I would share some of the ways God provided for me (and, I should say, looked out for my best) this summer ~ showing me over and over that HE is available and in control.

Two days before our annual trip to Hilton Head, SC, my contract was approved to begin working part-time as an independently contracted Occupational Therapist with a local Parent-Infant program.  The beauty of this is that God provided this opportunity/lead the day after I discovered I needed to start working again, and might have to give up homeschooling.  This job supports my need for income while allowing flexibility for me to continue to homeschool my daughters.  He provided the window of opportunity for this in May, and I followed - despite having to work double time within my then current busy schedule, taking five state regulated classes for agency requirements, and three national regulated classes for my license renewal, as well as renewing my CPR and First Aid certification....With HIS help, I was able to complete all of the classes and process the stacks of paper requirements (license, knowledge, request for proposal, liability insurance, etc.) by the mid-June deadline to submit it to the County for approval.  Because the approval came two days before our trip, and I had one child "waiting in the wings" - despite there not being an official contract, the company allowed me to see that one child and then plan for the rest when I returned from the beach (my contract would be mailed by that time).   This process could have been very daunting (needed money, had to pay out a lot to get the job, uncertain about how the job would work out with my schedule and needs, etc.) but I trusted the LORD and followed...and it has worked out beyond my best expectations at this point in all areas ~ even the delayed contracting worked out best because I was just TOO BUSY in July with family needs to be running for work and it would have had a negative effect on my kids...HE knew this and provided funds for that month, and the time I needed with family :-)

Forward on to my visit with the one child I was approved for (kind of getting my feet wet) the morning before we left for Hilton Head.  After the visit was completed, I got in my car, mind flipping through all of the "to do" things on my list for firm up prior to departure...and my van would not start.  I was at a relative "stranger's" house, my children were at a temporary sitter (who had very little time available), and I was stranded...as I looked at this and wanted to cry from stress, I decided instead to thank the LORD for HIS provision ~ as I knew He had a purpose and this was an opportunity I had not yet recognized.  A few phone calls later, and I was on my way to a friend's auto-body shop, my car was awaiting a tow, and my kids were being picked up by a neighbor from the sitter and brought to another home...which was amazing in itself since the timing of my call to my neighbor was right when she had left for work (her husband works from home, they share a car) so she was able to turn around, return home, and have him drive her to work (on time) so he could go pick up my kids.

As I sat in the auto body shop for several hours, kids safe and no major obligations, I was able to read Max Lucado's book John 3:16 and visit some with my girlfriend from homeschool who ran the inside of the shop her husband owned.  It was a lovely visit, and when noontime came he fed me one of the best homemade burgers I had ever had...I almost cried then in gratitude for all the help and love I had recieved that morning.  God is so very good!  The best part of the day was recognizing that HE allowed this to happen when I was able to get the help I needed, from people who loved Him and would care for me well, BEFORE I was driving ten hours down the road with four young girls in the car.  Imagining how it would have been if the battery had gone (which is what ended up being the case) when I had come out of a McDonald's "somewhere" on the interstate the next day was all I needed to praise Him again for His faithful care.

So, when I arrive home that day my oldest daughter tells me that her ear hurts...badly.  I was able to get her in to see her doctor (amazing),  to discover she had swimmer's ear AND an inner ear infection...again, praises that this was taken care of before our departure as she was heading straight from Hilton Head to Nags Head with her dad.  We were able to get her medicine, get packed, and get the animals squared away before her swim team end of year party that evening as well ~ and all I could do was sit in amazement at God's faithfulness to pay attention to even the little things that are important to us...

Next day, we are about 1 1/2 hours into our trip when my youngest daughter suddenly feels ill and within seconds throws up ~ as I dump my bag of "snacks" on the seat next to me and reach back to hand her the grocery bag to use for her "second" heave, she misses and gets sick again...BUT this is not a terrible thing as I had just been looking for a place to stop for breakfast and found one that was only 1 mile away.  Also, because she had a blanket over her, still somewhat sleepy, I was able to fold the blanket up from the bottom and trap the fluids versus having them continue to spread in the car.  We went in to McDonald's and while the girls were eating I washed out the blanket in the bathroom, wiped down her seat and seat belt, and was able to pretty much clear the car of all traces of the incident...WHAT A BLESSING~ we still had eight hours of driving to go. :-)  Rose was able to rest through the remainder of the day without feeling sick again; eating bland foods and sprite ~ I thought then, and still believe, it was related to her taking her liquid antibiotic on a fairly empty stomach that morning (for her ear infection, that was almost healed) so wasn't concerned that it was going to happen all day, and was very grateful that it did not :-)

Finally, when we arrived in Hilton Head, as we were driving the last 10 miles, I noticed that I had lost one of the crosses from my necklace.  I have a necklace that is pretty special to me, which I have been wearing for about a year.  I consisted of three crosses I had been given at various times in my life ~ one was larger and fairly ornate/filigree (gold), the next was slightly smaller and simple, the third was very small and had a tiny diamond chip in it (I had recieved it from my aunt at my college graduation). This was the one that had disappeared...I was so very sad ~ but I trusted that God knew even about this and what it meant to me, so I believe that there is purpose even in this...not sure if it is because HE has expanded so much in my life since that time that the tiny sparkle did not reflect the power of His light and Spirit as much as He deserved, or if it was time to move on with the necklace, or if I was going to recieve another cross that was perfect for the trio...either way, I know it is okay. I still have my "Father and Son" crosses, and may leave the necklace as it is, return to single crosses, or find the "perfect" representation for the Holy Spirit as He is at this point on my journey to add back to the necklace.  Either way, I know HE has me covered, and that is all I need to know. :-)

Blessings From Our Father

I have had so much going on the past few months...not all in the worldly sense "good" ~ yet God has been blessing me BIG TIME with His faithful presence and reminders of His love ~

I will be writing about some of these things soon (have not had a moment to sit and type, though have had many, many thoughts to share) ~

Today, I just wanted to share one of my daily devotions I receive - it was both interesting about the facts (e.g. what "Ararat" means, the dates that were the same), as well as a blessing to me about how wonderfully perfect and loving our LORD is ~ I pray it blesses you, too. It is from Joseph Prince Ministries. :-)

Standing On No-Curse Ground


Genesis 8:4


4Then the ark rested in the seventh month, the seventeenth day of the month, on the mountains of Ararat.

For 40 days and nights, it rained so hard that the whole world perished, except for Noah and those who were with him in the ark. At the end of 150 days, on the 17th day of the seventh month, the ark rested on the mountains of Ararat.

In Hebrew, the word “Ararat” means “the curse is reversed”. The waters of judgment receded, causing the ark to rest on the mountains of Ararat, on new ground where the curse is reversed. And it happened on the 17th day of the seventh month on the Feast of Firstfruits — the exact date that Jesus rose from the dead 4,000 years later!

When Christ rose from the dead, we were raised together with Him. (Colossians 2:12). We who are in Christ our true ark stand on resurrection ground where the curse has been reversed (Galatians 3:13), where diseases, poverty and failures have no right to operate!

A church member shared how God delivered him from cervical spondylosis, a medical condition which causes the neck section of the spinal cord to deteriorate. An X-ray taken four to five years back showed that that area of his spinal cord was deteriorating fast. He was in pain and had to take medicine to manage the condition. And whenever he had a relapse, he would get depressed.

During his last relapse, he went to the doctor, trusting God that he was already healed, had another X-ray taken and was given some medication. He took the medication, still believing God that he was healed. The following morning, the pain in his neck was gone and he was able to turn his head. When he finally collected his X-ray results a week later, his doctor actually told him that his spinal cord looked better than the doctor’s own! The doctor was very surprised because patients with this condition usually don’t get better. God had reversed the curse of cervical spondylosis for him!

My friend, as a believer, you are on no-curse ground. You stand in the blessings zone where it is very easy for God’s blessings to rain all over you!

The Growth Process

God has been pruning my life...I rejoice in this, knowing that He loves me and since I desire to be more like His son, He has willingly and happily obliged to propel me in that direction. However, it is a painful, sometimes confusing, process.

When I embarked upon the "do anything, Lord! I want to serve YOU" stage of my fellowship with our Father (this absolutly heartfelt statement came from me nearly ten years ago), little did I know how far off "Holy" I was.  While I do believe God was delighted with my heart posture, and continues to be pleased that I desire His best for my life, I had no idea how far apart "my thoughts" were from His thoughts...I didn't even come close to understanding what absolute dependence and complete surrender meant.  Of these things I am learning...

This summer, our Lord challenged me with this scripture..."He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth." Isaiah 53:7...I got the sense that God was asking me to stop responding to the oppressors and stand in silence, completely trusting in His goodness.  This is by far one of the least of my developed skills; I often speak against injustice, find myself frustrated when falsely accused, and frequently want to explain situations when I feel that there is significant misunderstanding.  Of course, each of these three responses tends to result in further evil being stirred up ~ either in myself or in the one with whom I am speaking; especially when not sifted through the eyes of prayer. Compassion is a gift, but it should be exercised prayerfully, versus through other means when standing for self or others ~ I am learning this lesson the hard way...again and again.

Hurting people hurt people. How many times have I heard this stated, yet have not fully understood that I will always be one who is hurt by others if I do not grasp this concept clearly and hold it in a posture of quiet submission, seeking the lovingkindness of Christ to fill me rather than my "self" perceptions and feelings.  I have heard the story about the blind men and the elephant ~ and how each describes something significantly different when stumbling upon the elephant and feeling what they are touching (tusk, foot, tail, ear...) ~ but I still misunderstand that when three people are in the same room, listening to and discussing the same information, there will be three different ways of percieving what has been said and why.  That just doesn't make sense to my way of filtering the world (through rose colored glasses, I have been told).  I have discovered that looking outside of the lens of simple reality, coupled with the lens of TRUTH (God alone) is the only way we should strive to perceive the world if we are going to not only stand strong amidst the challenges, but also be a healing agent for those who don't know the love and grace we have been so blessed to recieve.

Pray for me to grow in these areas - I would be most blessed ~

Precious Time

I have been blessed to be allowed to homeschool my 11 year old daughter again this year.  She is the child whom God gave me specifically ~ to both reach her heart when it would crumple, and to work in me more patience, understanding and temperance as I strive to understand her way of thinking and relating to the world, which is so very foreign to mine.

Today we are in another time of push and pull, though it is more peaceful.  The rebellion of youth came to a head a few weeks ago ~ with backtalk, eye rolling and the like coming at me in response to nearly every word I spoke.  While I have often been willing to understand her impulsive speech challenges (as I have some of those, myself), I cannot allow blatant disrespect nor habitual independence from instructions given by mom (aka: authority that is loving, therefore to be ignored in her mind). 

I hate having to "parent hard."  I would much prefer talking to my kids and having them "get it." Why can't we all just get along and be loving is a persistent thought in my head.  However, with this one ~ when I give an inch of concession, a yard is most often stolen.  When I crack down lightly, obedience is not maintained. So, once again I needed to get tough and play bad guy; *sigh* staying tight, firm, and consistent (anyone with kids knows how incredibly tough that task can be). 

What a joy it has been to see her starting to "get it" this time around.  After consistent discipline (aka: loss of many privileges for about three weeks stemming from correction for every incident of "backtalk," regardless  of how strong or slight) I have seen some improvements. Today we lost the privilege of attending a birthday party tomorrow because of lack of willingness to do what we were supposed to related to morning school work (half-way approach versus diligence)...that was a tough one...however, once the tears were finished, and she knew I wasn't budging, she complied with the need to call and cancel her participation.

Oh, the trials of shaping character in children ~ I often wonder if the parents hurt as much (if not more) as the children during this process.  I am thankful that not all of my children are the same, and likely I will not have to resort to such extremes with the other two, but I am also prayerful that my eldest will soon rise up to grasp the full picture, that she might integrate it into her spirit and become the beautiful lady God created her to be. Still a pistol, still uniquely creative and gregarious, but obedient and blessed by boundaries that provide us a cocoon from which to live.

Although I am sure we have much more to accomplish in this current pre-teen behavior, I am certain that without the opportunity to be home with her each day, this growing period would have been so much harder to nip in the bud. For that, I say a hearty Thank You, Lord, for the daily lessons You provide, and the opportunities to grow as we nurture and train our children.

As I have continued to recognize my impurities (see prior post) and seek more deeply to listen to the incredible joys the Lord desires to share with us, I have been coming out of my fogginess. I am still fatigued,but seeking ways to combat that more consistenly (more vitamins, going to bed earlier when possible, getting going more slowly on the mornings I can do so...). In the process, our loving Lord and Daddy has been bringing some great things to my attention...things He began in me long ago that had been shelved for lack of pressing~ness in my life. I have been really enjoying recognizing His hand and His work in me as He has unveiled a few mysteries...

Years ago (likely twelve or thirteen), I was taking a 9 week class that used a 12 circuit labyrinth for meditation and focus ~ the church I belonged to at the time had a labyrinth on their grounds and it was a very peaceful place to wander. Learning to wander along the path, praying "to God" in in the form of questions or musings as the circuitous directions took me away from center more times than toward (e.g. no quick prayer or ability to focus upon the end), then resting in the middle, while standing or kneeling in one of the clover leaves, supplicating myself and trusting Him to respond...eternally grateful that He even cared, let alone specifically for me...then returning on the path while "listening" for inner promptings of His Spirit's response ~ was good discipline for me regarding not just talking to God in prayer, but waiting on Him as well.

One of our weekly lessons focused upon what God's name for us might be. In the Bible, God often renames His people when he imparts His breath ~ His very purpose for creating them ~ more directly their lives - Abram, Sarai, Jacob, Simon, Paul... We were studying this aspect of God and then given the opportunity to explore that with Him in the labyrinth. I was at a difficult time in life related to my marriage and I really wanted to matter to God. I was hoping for something that would illumine me and make me feel good (of course, this was not God's plan, but I thought He might indulge me). God did respond to my prayers that day ~ and He gave me the word "Honor." While I argued with Him about this (it didn't make sense to my limited mind and didn't seem "important" related to my life and the great things I wanted to do for Him). I know that sounds silly to anybody reading this, as it is an amazing word ~ but at that time, given my circumstances, it was not what I wanted to hear.

However, I did take it to heart (somewhat reluctantly) and began exploring the "what" about Honor; how to honor others more fully with His heart, and how I might be dishonoring Him with choices, activities, and thoughts. That experience soon worked its way out of my perceptual lens as life went on and I continued to treat our precious Savior as if he were my co-pilot more often than I thought about Him as Lord.

In my desperate pursuit to understand what He has been working in my life ~ for what purposes and why...as well as what I am missing in my learning (it seems I keep coming to the same darn areas of sin and challenge) and what I can be doing to grow faster and better embrace what He is trying to teach me (ha ha, I am way too intellectual often and just really want to get off this roller coaster at times)...He has recently blessed me beyond measure. My season of wilderness is coming to a close (Hallelujah!!) and I am seeing the fruit He has been forming as I look back over the years of struggle ~

God has shown me that He still wants me to learn "honor" toward everyone in my life. He worked honor through me as a child ~ toward parents, friends, those in authority and those whom others did not consider "worthy" of respect or attention. I had many instances in my younger years where I was the lone person standing up for the spark of goodness in others. I went to bat for the "underdog" so often, and saw the possibilities rather than the failures in the lives of those around me. It was as natural to me as breathing and I really couldn't jump in with the alternatives. I just didn't know then that it was God working through me creating and allowing this vision of my heart. And I didn't understand why others couldn't see things this way.

As I progressed toward independence and into adulthood, I continued to see the good in everyone. I honored where they were, where they had come from, and the divine in their spirit. I trusted that everyone had a purpose and nobody was better than anybody else. I had such a wide variety of friends, many of whom would not be caught in the same location let alone the same room. People were so interesting to me, and there was so much wonder to capture when choosing to see through their eyes for a moment. I loved the many experiences I had and things I discovered during that time. I didn't embrace the realities of all of my friends, by any means, but I enjoyed learning about them.

In the last fourteen years, I have been challenged to honor those who dishonor me by their choices and actions as well as have been challenged to step up and honor those who dishonor themselves either flagrantly or more passively. As I grew in God's strength with this very important talent, He continued to refine me and take me deeper into awareness of His sufferings for His very own who live such dishonoring lives (myself included) as well as His great and incredible love and forgiveness for them. He has given me new opportunities in the last few years to learn how to honor, with His love, those who actively seek to hurt and dishonor me. He has shown me how He was preparing me for a "time such as this." I am still ill-equipped and highly imperfect, but He is showing me a deeper place of intimacy with His heart for us...a place that loves us completely despite our imperfections, hatreds, evil thoughts and disputes with His purity and holiness. He is working with me in learning how to reflect this to everyone in our world. What an incredible privilege ~ to share the heart of God ~ isn't that what we are all called to do? Thanks be to God, our Father and Lord...Glory to Him on high.

Going Deeper

I have been in a bog (kind of like "blah" and "fog" combined) over the past several months and struggling in my relationship with God ~ I experienced a feeling almost like a big wet blanket has been laying on me, keeping me somewhat inert, and I had not been able to find the source to remove it...I had many times where I felt connected and in sync, but just as many more where I felt almost beaten down...I think the over-arching experience I have been having is one of pure and deep bone weariness, and when I am tired, I tend to not spend as much time in prayer or Bible reading...I tend to be more of a drifter from idea to idea, option to option, book to book. I pray ~ but not as consistently nor as deeply. I read, but not as long, nor as focused. Boy, does that mess with hearing clearly and knowing God's will...I also experienced my first year since 1999 where I was not involved in a formal bible study ~ I really missed it, but wasn't able to work one into my schedule as I embraced home schooling and other kids' activities and needs. That probably had something to do with my sense of detachment ~

However, lately I have been getting glimmers of that sweet fellowship again. Boy have I missed it deeply. I want to sit and drink it in, alternating with begging for more and praying not to lose it again. Last night God took me to two different dates in "My Utmost for His Highest" to read. I think it showed me a bigger work that has been in effect in my life ~ it was really cool. I wanted to share that here ~ I figured if I typed it, I would recall it even better and be able to look back and read it in another six months as well :-)

The first was:

July 26 The Account with Purity

"Out of the heart proceed..." Matthew 15:19

We begin by trusting our ignorance and calling it innocence, by trusting our innocence and calling it purity; and when we hear these rugged statements of Our Lord's, we shrink and say - But I never felt any of those awful things in my heart. We resent what Jesus Christ reveals. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme Authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust His penetration, or do I prefer to trust my innocent ignorance? If I make conscious innocence the test, I am likely to come to a place where I find with a shuddering awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I shall be appalled at the possibility of evil and wrong in me. As long as I remain under the refuge of innocence I am living in a fool's paradise. If I have never been a blackguard, the reason is a mixture of cowardice adn the protection of a civilized life; but when I am underessed before God, I find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis.

The only thing that safeguards is the Redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will hand myself over to Him, I need never experience the terrible possibilities that are in my heart. Purity is too deep down for me to get to naturally: but when the Holy Spirit comes in, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was manifested in the life of Jesus Christ, viz., Holy Spirit, which is unsullied purity.

Right after, He led me to June 3:

The Secret of the Lord

"The secret (friendship, RV) of the Lord is with them that fear Him" Psalm 25:14

What is the sign of a friend? That he tells you secret sorrows? No, that he tells you secret joys. Many will confide to you their secret sorrows, but the last mark of intimacy is to confide secret joys. Have we ever let God tell usany of His joys, or are we telling God our secrets so continually that we leave no room for Him to talk to us? At the beginning of our Christian life we are full of requests to God, then we find that God wants to get us into relationship with Himself, to get us in touch with His purposes. Are we so wedded to Jesus Christ's idea of prayer-"Thy will be done" - that we catch the secrets of God? The things that make God dear to us are not so much His great big blessings as the tiny things, because they show His amazing intimacy with us; He knows every detail of our individual lives.

"...Him shall He teach in the way the He shall choose." At first we want the consciousness of being guided by God; then as we go on we live so much in the consciousness of God that we do not need to ask what His will is, be3cause the thought of choosing any other will never occur to us. If we are saved and sanctified God guides us by our ordinary choices, and if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check, and we must heed. Whenever the is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say "I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying- "Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"

God is reminding me that He is working all things for good in My life ~ He is with me, He is guiding me, and I don't need to keep worrying about every little step I take or move I make (I was beginning to be bogged down by fear that I was not walking in His will, or would miss His prompts by stepping forward, but it has been all that my heart has cried out for for so long that I realize I shouldn't fear this as I am not giving Him enough credit in communication :-)) He first had to break me free from my ignorance of innocence to place me firmly on His path, and not my own. Praise Him that He loves us so ~

Contentment

I have not posted in awhile - have had many great ideas and events to share, but never got organized enough to download them from my mind and heart to the keypad...and then they were gone ~ whoosh ~ as happens frequently in my life. God gives me such glimmers of wonder and delight so often (I thank Him for that!!!) and insights or revelations that are really neat or meaningful...I would like to get back in the habit of writing them down. I have been out of journaling for awhile, among other things that have fallen out of practice ~ I am striving to return to self-discipline for these things...had some *moments* of return this summer, but overall still way off. Ah, but I digress...

So last weekend I was attending a planning meeting for an upcoming event, and after arriving about an hour late based upon some unexpected and distressing "turbulence" in my home that morning, I settled in to participate in the day (I had listened to a terrific CD from Integrity, given to me by a dear friend, Lorna, a couple of years ago ~ it got me right back into a better state of mind and heart as I was driving to my meeting place) :-)

Anyway, a question was asked (as an ice-breaker) "If you had a day, and money was no object, how would you spend it?" (or something to that effect)...My mind first went to the orphans in Haiti ~ they are found in the gutters sometimes, mere infants without hope ~ and I had a desire to serve them. My husband and I know a couple who own/run an orphanage in Haiti and are always looking for help as they live here and eke by while traveling there and doing what they can when they can. My own family of origin also has ties to Haiti with medical missionaries and some pastors who had hearts for there ~ but, here is the kicker, I hadn't anticipated this being what would come to mind.

So, as others were talking about some GREAT escapes (believe me, many of them sounded terrific!) ;-) I kept searching my heart for a different idea for me (one that was more fun and lighthearted), but this persisted. Each time I thought about alternatives (e.g. taking my family to Norway to see my relatives and travel around the country visiting all of my cousins and viewing the incredible scenery...or going to a tropical island and having a pampered vacation...or paying off my home ~ or even purchasing a home that is more typical of what I am familiar from childhood and family...)...I couldn't experience them as *important* to me, really.

For instance, the trip to Norway is something I have wanted to do as it is too expensive to travel with the seven of us, in general, that far. Last time I visited was in the summer of 1997, which is a long time ago considering I used to spend much of my summers there while growing up. One would think this would be my priority ~ but I figured that the Lord could provide for that opportunity again one day, as well as for the other things I mused about such as beaches and other travels ~ and the orphanage I would NEVER be able to do for it what I would like...not on my own or with the lifestyle I currently lead, as it stands now (I shouldn't say Never as God IS the God of amazing things). God has always provided for the daily, with a bit extra thrown in for fun ~ I imagine HE will continue to do so :-)

So then I began musing ~ I have had SO many incredible opportunities and experiences that many don't get to enjoy. I have traveled all over the world, been independent since the age of 16 and have had a adventurous streak since I was a child. I am as at home at a formal event with black tie and gowns (you know the kind; appetizer, salad, soup, lemon sorbet to cleanse the palat, main course, dessert, coffee...lots of chit chat and such, some dancing...) as I am hanging out with my old redneck friends in their garage, chit chatting over a barrel filled with fire for warmth (here's the picture - cowboy hats and worn jeans, women in tight tank tops, men in plaid shirts...cans of Budweiser abundant in sight, all working together to build an ultralight airplane that will have its maiden voyage the owner's tree farm in Charlottesville).

I have been to plays in New York and Washington DC, concerts, benefit events, art shows, etc. I have played on boats and watercraft on all kinds in rivers, oceans and waterways in many different places - even cruising the intercoastals in Florida's neat, amazingly expensive areas in a fun and fancy speedboat (with a male friend who promised me he would buy me this INCREDIBLE house there if I married him...hahaha). I got to ride the railways and travel Europe via the Eurarail passes as a teen living in Belgium ~ spent the night in a bar on a table with girlfriends while returning to Belgium from touring Amsterdam and Holland...I also skied the alps (and took lessons from a really good swiss skier) among other locations while living overseas.

I have seen sunsets and sunrises on both Pacific and Atlantic coasts, alone as well as with friends and loved ones...I even drove up to see the sunrise over Mt. Rushmore one day (another VERY interesting adventure I chose to partake in). I have traveled through or in most of the States, and lived in several ~ enjoying many different parks, rivers, lakes, beaches, mountains, etc. I have been to stock car races, horse races and hound races (dressed a bit differently for each one ;-) ), I have visited many beaches, been scuba diving, snorkeling, swam with dolphin and took pictures of some incredible sea life (I used to want to be a marine biologist). I have fished, been to rodeos, flown in a twin engine plane with a friend who had a ranch in Colorado, and hiked amazing mountains. I have even rappelled and rock climbed (limited) as well as shot rifles and pistols. I have attended a variety of outdoor concerts and dance events (Riverdance is amazing), as well as indoor rock concerts and garage band events. I have written songs for friends garage bands, published poems and even had one put to music and produced...

What more could I ask for? There is so much more I have experienced - it just came back to me in snippets as I sat there musing at the meeting. God has been so good to me. I grew up with so many opportunities, had great support for schooling and extra-curricular events, got to travel with my family and visit many theme parks, historic monuments, etc...what more could I really want?? Since college (which I started at barely 17 since I couldn't wait to move on to independence, and graduated a year early so I could get out and know more of the world) I have been allowed so much more as well. I have experienced the position of director for a few companies, as well as worked as the lowest man on the totem pole. I have also served in pizza joints at night to pay bills while working forty hours per week as an intern post college to complete my training...I have gotten many neat alternate work experiences than what I have been privileged with during my cool career. I have worked as a vet assistant, a dispatcher, a movie theater employee (at a tiny theater), a Wendy's employee (back in the day of "try our hot and juicy" - ugh), an adminstrative assistant for a college summer school dean (that was very busy), a paper girl, an editor, and a church youth director... Whatever it is to be, I follow that lead as has been my way...

As for extra curricular through high school and college, I have enjoyed cheerleading, soccer (men's team in high school as they didn't have a girls team overseas), basketball, volleyball, student council, sorority participation (and several offices with that), and many clubs. I have taken ballroom dance lessons by myself (fun when you get to learn with the instructor!), household maintenance classes, auto mechanic classes, and was working toward a PhD in two areas before quitting my studies while my current marriage got underway. Now I study when I can, read voraciously, and love spending time with my kids as well as retreating to aloneness in my gardens or on the back deck in the mornings...something about the sound of birds and quiet is so peaceful and amazing. :-)

So, I have been given so much - so incredibly much...that to even ask for more that is frivolous seems unnecessary and so incredibly selfish. I am so grateful for my life thus far as I have experienced just about everything I have ever wanted to try. Giving to those who have had nothing but struggle seems like such a blessing, and is incredibly freeing to my spirit to consider. Overall, though some things are not as I would desire in my life, I am wholly content with all that God has provided me over the years...and I trust fully that He will continue to provide. Praise Him ~

Why God Made Moms

I had some fun this year for Mother's Day, and had my kids fill out a questionnaire that I had found in an email that was circulating. I wanted to share, some of their answers are downright funny :-)

M is 11, K is 8 and R is 5 ~

1) Why did God make mothers?
M - To take care of us
K - So we could be born
R - So the kids could listen to their moms and listen to the Lord, the Christ

2) How did God make mothers?
M- Through a rib of a man
K - He took the rib out of the man and made a woman
R - With His powers

3) What ingredients are mothers made of?
M - Love, warmth, sadness, happiness, much much more
K - a rib
R - bones and hair

4) Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
M- because she was meant for me
K - So we could be born and love on her and so we could have a mom
R - Cause He thought she was Christ-ly

5) What kind of little girl was your mom?
M - Quiet, shy, pretty, sensible, Christian
K - nice one
R - I don't know cuz I was the last to grow up, Max did cuz he was the first one! (Max is 15)

6) What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
M - About him, example: his history and what he was like
K - what he likes
R - that he was Christ-ly

7) Why did your mom marry your dad?
M - Because #1 she thought God had picked him out, and #2 God actually picked the 2nd one
out
K - so she could have a child
R - cause he was Christ-ly

8) Who's the boss at your house?
M - Daddy Bo, mommy
K - Mom and Dad
R - Jesus and Mom and Dad

9) What's the difference between moms and dads?
M- well, one's a man and one's a woman (when queried further...) dads play different, moms
do more at home
K - one is a boy and one is a girl
R - that dads are tall and moms are a little bit shorter

10) What does your mom do in her spare time?
M - read bible, pay bills, get disturbed (when asked what she meant by this, she reminded
me that she or someone else was always interrupting me with needing something) :-)
K - read, rest, get on computer
R - Enjoys reading her Bible

11) What would it take to make your mom perfect?
M - Nothing she already is!
K - Powers
R - wearing a dress and a skirt and telling me what to do, doing everything

12) If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
M - I wouldn't change a hair on her head
K - Make us get everything we want
R - Changing her to not ever be angry...or my dad either

Blessings to all, I am laughing again as I type this. Children are such delightful joys! :-)

My Descent into Hell by Howard Storm

I just finished a really interesting book...I found it randomly when browsing through Amazons vast library of options (getting my summer reading list together) :-) While the book has some parts I question, the overall theme is amazing and compelling...I wanted to share bits and pieces that struck me as I started trying to process the profundity of the author's words.

In a chapter about the past and the future (wars and such), he states "the way to prevent war is to love aggressively and care for all people. Sufficient wealth, food and resources exist for every person in the world. Wars result not because there is a scarcity of resources, but because of our desire to possess resources to the exlusion of others. God loves every man, woman, and child on this planet more than we love our own children. God wants all people to have food, shelter, meaningful work, and an opportunity to be creative; to learn the truth, have freedom from fear, have self-esteem, be procreative, live in community, find complete joy, trust in God, and become the wonderful people that God created us to be.
"Our purpose is to know and do God's will in this life, and we do this when we love one another as God loves us. Every person without exception needs to be loved by us. This is the most difficult and most important lesson of our life. this is what has shaped the past and this is what will create the future. We have failed to learn this fundamental lesson that God has been teaching us from most religious traditions since the beginning of human consciousness."

In another chapter..."The love of God, the love of neighbor, and the love of self are inseparable parts of a whole that cannot be divided. Without the love of God, there cannot be true love of another. It is only through the overarching Spirit of God that one can love another person. Love comes from God, and relationships not grounded in the love of God are based on the exploitation of other people. Only through love of God can we see the true value and beauty of another person.
"It is impossible to love another person unless we love ourselves. Without the love of God, it is impossible to love ourselves because every human being is aware of their flawed nature and sinfulness. We can find ourselves truly lovable only by receiving the love that our Creator has for us. When there is no love of God, there is only the counterfeit love of narcissism, which is a gross attempt to prove ourselves lovable. The only authentic love in this world is achieved when there is balance between love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self."

One last thought worth sharing (in the same flow, though much further in the book)..."Jesus Christ commanded his disciples to love one another as he loved us. I don't know how to practice this radical kind of love in a world that exploits love. One who takes Jesus Christ's command seriously must live in constant tension with the world. The fervent desire of the Spirit of God working in and through the church to make the world more loving is thwarted by the passion of the world to undermine the church.
The Bible teaches - from Book of Genesis to the Book of Revelation - that each of us is free to choose whether we are proponents of God's will or opponents of God's will. The question is: Are you seeking God's will or are you not? Knowing and doing God's will is the curriculum in this life. The church, as flawed as it may be, is the instrument to help us know God's will. The church is the closest we will get to God outside of heaven. The secular world is the place where we are sent to do the work of the Spirit of Christ."

I really enjoyed reading Mr. Storm's book...will likely re-read it as it is filled with testimony speaking toward God's love and truths ~

Blessings ~
Christie

An Unexpected Delight

My sister emailed me this time last week (Thursday or Friday) and asked "how would you like some company for Easter?!" Would I?!! Of course!!!

Fast forward - I was delighted to pick she and two of her children up at the airport on Wednesday, her hubby and other two kiddos arrived by car a couple of hours later. My sister and her husband are following God's prompts to decrease material comforts and increase eternal focus, so they have sold their house in Chicago (amazingly fast ~ so they are renting back until June) and are on an avid search for *where* the LORD would have them go.

I have been praying for them that God would lead, while trying to keep my desires out of the picture. God gave me a vision, which I shared with them (which looked like a possible South Carolina perspective, and they did have a head hunter from there contact them) but more recently He has clarified some things from that which suggest it might actually be Virginia which would be awesome to me...I am all the more eager to see what He has in store. Yesterday and today she has been interviewing with five different OB/GYN practices in Fredericksburg, which is not far away. She loves the town and the hospital, but hasn't yet gotten a good feel for her fit. Today was the day she was to speak to the doc that she had sensed a good connection with over the phone. The sense I got in my prayers was the Richmond area, which is further away, but still relatively close (especially compared to Chicago) ~ however, I really just pray the right door will open, and His perfect plan will be illumined in time (they have also had a good sense at a location in Texas)

While she is in Fredericksburg, I have been delighted to have my niece, nephews, and brother-in-law staying with us. I so enjoy their company and really miss them between visits (all of them). This pic was taken Thursday morning (Lexie, their youngest, was still sleeping)

What a blast we have had - I have to share them with my brother this evening and tomorrow before they head back to Illinois, but will get to join all of them Saturday evening for an early Easter celebration. I wish they could join us for church on Sunday as I know they would really appreciate our church family, but they will go with my brother's family which is okay, too (do I sound like I hate sharing?) *smile*

So ~ can't wait to see the plan, delighted to share the time. Florida, Texas or Virginia (all places where family exist for them)...in time we shall know. To God be the Glory ~

Fasting for Lent

Discipline seems to be a non-valued quality in our culture these days. As I was reflecting on the current season of Lent and how many denominations encourage Christians to give something up during the days preceeding Easter (television, chocolate, video games...), I realize that this is a good training ground for some people in the area of self-control and drawing closer to God, while just an exercise in religious games for others.

How often, when participating in a Lenten fast, do we really think about why we are giving things up? I know that before I pursued a deeper relationship with the Lord (versus the one I had growing up, where I heard His Spirit nudging me throughout my life as I "tried" to do what was right), I had a pretty *decent* relationship with religion and religious practices. This included attending church, following rules, and taking notes during sermons as a way of trying to understand God, while being somewhat unaware about how church attendance and following these practices drew me closer to God. I often felt closer to God outside of this Sunday attendance practice ~ during my prayer times and hours spent admiring the beauty of His Creation. I sometimes wondered as to how to related what attending church was for, besides the intellectual pursuit of understanding God coupled with the "good feeling" I got while being there.

During those days, when I fasted from meat,ice cream, chocolate, or whatever (during Lent), it was without true understanding of purpose. I did it to agree with the system ~ to participate with "God", and I did it half-focused. Today, though I am not fasting during this Lenten season, I fast for different reasons, forgoing various things whenever I feel led by the Lord to do so. I have learned so much about God and myself during these times of fasting; so much more than when I gave something up for Lent...It has been a true delight and a period of growing closer to our Lord as well as loving Him more and being more awed by His power and grace and mercy.

I remember my feelings of amazement during the first few times I "fasted for a day" in order to draw closer to God in obedience. Everything suddenly became so much more tempting, my mind would play tricks on me about what I was missing, how I wouldn't have a chance to taste this or that if I didn't have it (e.g. it always seemed that parents would drop off baked goods or candies for the teachers at the school those days when I was working) ~ I had to actively CHOOSE to deny myself, often telling God "no, You are more important and I am going to honor my agreement." It was truly a bittersweet time as I was getting *nothing* out of the fast that served my conscious fleshly body, and at times felt that it was silly to even be pursuing. Gradually, over time, I discovered that it was during this time that I understood the power God gave to us through His Spirit. I understood the cravings of my body, driven by my mind more often than not and how "taking each thought captive to the obedience of Christ" was a powerful tool of victory in pursuit of sacrificial living...even relatively *small* sacrifice.

Stepping stones...each that we step upon can bring us closer to the edge of ourselves, into the arms of our Heavenly Father...or can topple and roll ~ causing us momentarily to lose our balance and/or bearings, until the path is laid clear before us once again...

Praise God for His stabilizing Hands as we cross our river of stones ~ slowly but steadily approximating Christ's control over our own desires

Do You Know What Faith Is?

I liked this simple summary; wanted to share :-)

A Prophetic Exhortation
By Patricia Bankhead

Date: Mar 17, 2009

Do you not know what faith is? Faith has nothing to do with your eyes or what you can see in the natural. Faith is standing on My promises in spite of your circumstances.

Faith is waiting patiently on Me, no matter how long, until I perform My word. Faith is running to Me when your heart has been broken instead of running to the alcohol bottle. Faith is receiving your healing when there is nothing but pain in your body. Faith is knowing I will provide when there is no food on the table. Faith is not worrying when you hear bad news. Faith is when you stand up face-to-face with your problems and say, "I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus."

Faith is walking in My victory; it is believing in an manner that ushers forth the mighty move of My hand that this generation so longs to see.

Abba